Tongue Tied

"But, like, we never talked about it ending. Until, you know, the end."

"That's pretty common," Ahri said. "It's hard to bring up ending a relationship without ending it right there, or using it as a manipulation tactic."

"I guess." I sighed. "So it was obvious it was coming, huh?"

"I didn't say that. I said I think you knew. Whether you wanted to admit it to yourself is another thing."

I hugged a pillow to my chest, seriously considering lying back down again, if only because it made it easier not to look straight at Ahri. "So, what, I should have broken up first? Or I should have fixed things before it got so bad?"

Ahri just looked at me. "What do you think you should have done?"

"That's not fair! Obviously I don't know or I would have done something smarter."

"You aren't dumb because a relationship didn't work, Gwen. You aren't made less by it."

I squirmed. "Well yeah, sure. But...." I trailed off, not really having another point to make.

"Is there anything you would like to have done differently?" Ahri asked.

"I don't know," I said heavily. "Maybe. Maybe I should have dumped him. Or maybe... maybe therapy for both us? Or counseling or something?"

"So you would have liked more control over the result," Ahri said.

"Yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

"Mostly, yes."

I shrugged and toyed with my hair, just fidgeting a bit. "You might be right," I said eventually. "I definitely didn't feel in control of my life when I came home, knowing I needed to stay here a while and regroup. It didn't feel great."

"You think it's a failure?" Ahri asked softly.

"No fair asking hard questions," I pouted. "I mean, it is a little bit, right?"

"Only if you think life is like capitalism, and everything needs to be more and bigger every year."

I opened my mouth, then shut it again just as quickly. I did that a couple more times, trying and failing to respond to Ahri's statement. "I wouldn't put it that way," I finally said.

"But you think you should always be moving forward," she said. "Never what you perceive as backward."

"... yes?"

"And you should be achieving new goals, not feeling like you've lost some that you had already succeeded it."

I narrowed my eyes. "Yeeesss. But it's not the same as... as just wanting to make lots of money."

"It's not," Ahri said. "But it's still the mindset of infinite growth, year after year."

"So this is, what, a bad year for the Gwen stock market?"

"If you want to think of it that way," Ahri said. "What I'm suggesting is our lives don't have to be anything like it if we don't want them to."

"I lost my boyfriend, my apartment, and my job all in a short time span," I said. "I'm worse off than I was before. I don't think you can say otherwise."

"I know the breakup wasn't your choice, but some of the rest of it was," Ahri said.

"Ok, fair, yes." I let out a breath, trying to release some tension with it. "Do you think I shouldn't have abandoned the rest of my life too? That was kind of dumb, wasn't it?"

"I wouldn't say anything of the kind," Ahri said. "I'm saying you made decisions, and some things happened that weren't your decision, and even if it's painful it doesn't make you a lesser person because of it, or a failure."

"Easier said than believed," I grumbled.

"Do you think you're a failure?"

"You asked me that already! No fair repeating."

Ahri tilted her head slightly. "That wasn't an answer."

"Well... well I do a little bit, ok? Yeah."

"I see."

"Like I get what you mean, not everything is going to go ideally all the time," I said. "And it's not, like, a bad thing necessarily. Or maybe it is bad, but it's ok because that's life." I curled myself up tighter around the pillow at my chest. "It's not so bad wanting some control in life, is it?"

Ahri nodded. "That I think is more the issue than success or failure. It's control of our own lives. Agency. We all crave it to greater or lesser degrees. In my experience, it's one of the biggest defining factors in how someone sees and interacts with the world, is whether they felt they had agency growing up, and whether they feel in control of their lives now."

"So... I need more self-control?" I asked slowly.

"Not at all. Control of your life and self-control are not the same thing, though they can be related."

"What does it mean for control of my life if I, just for instance, enjoy being tied up?" I asked, feeling a twisted bit of humour regarding the question.

Ahri looked a touch rueful. "I will admit, I might have jumped too quickly into that," she said.

"I don't think so," I said. "It was what I needed. I don't know how you knew, because I sure didn't."

She coughed in mild embarrassment. "I mean I did suspect, but also I might have been biased. Looking for an excuse to tie someone up."

"Hehe, perv."

"That might be fair," Ahri said. "It's... it's just a bit of a fun hobby sometimes. It's just like an artistic pursuit in its own right."

"Someone's trying to justify themselves," I teased.

"Argh, see, I shouldn't therapize family." She took a deep breath. "Have to keep the lives separate."

I watched her fade back into her calm, stoic therapist role.

"You liked tying me up though," I said.

"I did," Ahri said. "And you liked being tied up. It's a good match."

"Kinda messed up though, isn't it?" I said.

"Well--"

"And it doesn't do a hell of a lot for me controlling my life."

Ahri shrugged. "That I can dispute with conviction. Part of the reason I ever suggested it in the first place, is to help with your sense of agency. You just had a look of someone whose life was a bit too chaotic at the moment, and needed some order established."

"Your control though, not mine," I said.

"In a physical sense, sure. But is was your decision to do it, and your decision when it ended."

"That's... I mean, only if you untied me when I asked," I said.

"Did you ever feel like I wouldn't?" Ahri asked.

"No. But it was a possibility."

"Then why say yes in the first place?"

I thought about it. "I think... I think maybe a feeling of not being in control felt nice at the time. Of being helpless but by...." I stopped, the carried on slower as the realization dawned on me. "Helpless in a way I chose," I finished.

Ahri gave a small smirk. "Precisely. A small decision that you controlled, even if it had a paradoxical feel to it."

"And maybe, also, surrendering myself to someone I knew I could trust," I added quietly.

She nodded, smiling wider. "That too."

"Was that to prove something to myself, you think?" I asked. "I know it wasn't just because I was horny."

Ahri's eyes flashed wider for a second. "Because you were--"

"No! No making fun of that. You're therapist Ahri now, not sister Ahri."

"Right, right." She controlled her expression again. "But you were horny though."

"I was all tied up. How else was I supposed to feel?"

"You tell me."

I rolled my eyes, but then realized I genuinely wanted to tell her. "I felt safe," I admitted. "Protected? Secure, anyway. Like you and Shen would take care of me. And maybe like I was happy not to have to run my life for a little bit. Like it wasn't my responsibility. It hadn't not been my responsibility in a while."

"Such is life," Ahri said. "But again, that is the paradox of it sometimes. Regaining control by surrendering control. Choosing, that's the important thing. Making decisions to attain things you want or need."

"Even if it's choosing not to choose for a while," I said.

"Sometimes especially then."

I threw my head back. "I can't tell if you're wise or full of shit."

"As your therapist, I'm going for wise." Ahri grinned. "As your sister, it could go either way."

"So, ok then, what about...." I paused. "This is only for therapist Ahri, by the way, but what about the horny thing? What does that mean?"

"The horny thing as in...."

"As in you tied me up and it kind of worked for me. That and, you know, some other stuff. Touching and being picked up like an inanimate object. That kind of thing."

Ahri chewed her bottom lip. "Yeah, ok, so as your sister--"

"I said therapy Ahri! I said it!"

"You did," she agreed. "Problem is, therapy Ahri's got nothing. Sister Ahri realizes she made a slight mistake somewhere along the way."

"You didn't think I'd like it in that way?" I asked.

"More like I didn't realize I would," she said. "I mean I thought it'd be fun, and it was, but damn, Gwen, tying you up isn't as far off from tying up someone I'm involved with. Not as different as it should be."

"Why do you like it anyway?" I asked. "I mean I understand being tied up, but what do you get out of tying someone?"

Ahri snickered. "There are those who would understand the exact opposite."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You're a subby little thing, huh?"

I felt my face heat. "Not usually. I don't think so, anyway." I shrugged. "So what, you're gonna tell me you're all domme-y and shit?"

"Kind of. I do like the control aspect from the other side. Because yes, you're right, physically speaking the one tying does ostensibly have control of the situation. There's a fantasy of control, if not actual control when proper consent is observed."

"And you like that part?" I asked, still trying to mine more details from my sister.

"I do. Plus there's something really sexy about a cute girl all tied up. I don't know if I can explain that one any better than it's hot."

"What about tying me up?" I asked softly.

Ahri made direct eye contact, making me shiver with the intensity of it. "I just explained that," she said.

I was sure I was fully blushing by then. "I'm your sister, not a cute girl."

"You can be both."

"That's... that's really what you think?"

"How would you feel about that?" Ahri asked, voice just as soft as mine had been a moment ago.

"Very confused," I said. "No more than I already am, mind you?"

"Not upset though?" Ahri clarified.

"Be kind of hypocritical of me to be upset," I said.

She kept staring at me, searching my eyes. "Well good," she finally said. "At least we're together on it, whatever that means."

I squirmed in my seat. "Wanna talk about Shen a bit now?"

"Absolutely," Ahri said, eyes gleaming. "Less awkward and potentially just as interesting? Don't mind if I do."

"This is for therapist Ahri," I said. "For all the good that will do me. You're not allowed to tease him, anyway."

Her eyes shone brighter and wider. "Juicy is it?"

"No. Not much. I mean maybe? Like, ok, so he was hard this morning. When we were all waking up."

"Mmhm," Ahri said slowly. "And?"

"And he was very close to me," I said.

Her lips scrunched up a bit. "You felt his cock?"

"It poked me," I clarified. "Unintentionally by anyone involved. Probably."

"Damn, not as exciting as I hoped."

I frowned. "What the hell were you hoping for?"

"Good question. Don't have an answer." Ahri shifted her legs, crossing them the opposite way. "There's more to this story somewhere, I take it?"

"Brother cock isn't interesting enough on its own, huh?"

"Not if it's just, you know, a little contact. Like boobs are great, but a little brush of them isn't enough to make a big deal of. Even if it does feel nice."

"Yeah, no, I get that," I said. "I think I'm trying to vaguely lead into how maybe I'm also feeling kind of horny for Shen too, is the point."

"Ohhh," Ahri said. "Because of... reasons?"

"Yes," I said. "But also kind of the same reasons as with you. Just the control game, kind of, and how touch seems to affect me more when I'm tied up." I leaned forward. "And don't you dare tell him, but the way he can throw me around so easily when I can't move on my own is stupidly hot."

She nodded slowly, grinning slyly. "I get ya. I don't know that it would do it for me, but I understand what you're saying."

"How bad is it all put together?" I asked. "One to ten?"

"I dunno. Like a seven?"

"Oof, that seems high," I said with a wince.

"Well it's getting pretty incestuous," Ahri said. "That brings the score up."

"Well you guys are horny and dumb too," I said. "Not just me. That much count for something."

"It does. That made it worse."

"Oh. Right. Still, only a seven. Maybe that's not so bad."

Ahri laughed softly. "I mean, it's not, really. Family stuff is very rarely any less weird than a three or four regularly."

"Oh good," I said. "So not hardly bad at all."

"That's probably the lesson," she agreed absently.

I bit my lip, trying to resist asking the question I wanted to ask, but unable to hold out for long. "Want to tie me up again tonight?" I said, trying to make it casual.

Ahri didn't answer, but the way she smiled at me made me all fluttery inside.

****

I spent the whole rest of my day anticipating what was to come. I felt better after my talk, or session, with Ahri. Like I didn't actually have to hide my full range of emotions regarding being tied up. But mostly I was just looking forward to it happening again.

I didn't really think I was a 'subby little thing' as she'd called me, though admittedly the way I bounced around with nervous energy all afternoon while waiting to be tied up with ropes made it hard to justify my stance even to myself. People who weren't subby probably didn't look forward to such things as the highlight of their day.

Still, I didn't think it actually meant much in that sense. It was just something new and novel to try out. It didn't mean anything as far as my life generally. Not necessarily. An occasional surrendering of control wasn't the same thing as wanting to always be submissive in life or the bedroom. I was quite thankful for Ahri framing our little bondage play that way for me.

Rational or not, I was quite ready for that evening. Ahri made me prepare a little more this time before she tied me up. I got ready for bed, including changing into pyjama bottoms and a loose shirt, before she started her work in the living room.

It was just as much a thrill this time as it had been the day before. Some of the surprise factor was gone, but the excitement of what I knew was coming made up for that.

I found myself holding my breath at times as Ahri's deft hands encircled me over and over, ropes binding me tight to myself, arms pinned behind me and legs held together so that walking was nigh impossible.

Shen watched it unfold at first, and his eyes on me were nearly as much fun as Ahri's light fingertips. They each held a sensuous joy in their own right.

At one point, Shen silently got up and left, and I was really disappointed that he didn't want to stay, even if I was still quite enjoying the process. It cheered me right back up when I heard him returning, though I wasn't sure what to think when I realized he'd come back with a camera.

"What's this about?" I asked, watching sidelong as my brother lined up his camera and snapped a picture of me.

"You know, just been thinking about getting the photography going again," Shen said.

"And you choose now?" I said.

Ahri found it all very amusing, kneeling beside me as she did my hips region.

"Seemed like a good time," Shen said. "I could do some artistic things with this."

I narrowed my eyes in the beginnings of a glare. "You're not putting me on any pervy websites," I said.

Shen scoffed as he snapped another picture. "Well obviously. These are just practice. They aren't for anything."

"Personal use," Ahri chuckled, her words pitched just high enough to make sure we both heard.

"Oh now really," Shen said. "I don't like the implication of that."

"What implication?" Ahri asked sweetly.

"That I'd take pictures of Gwen for the express purpose of masturbating to them," he said, not nearly as fazed by having to say it loud as I felt like he should have been.

Ahri snickered and finished up with my ankles. I stood there blushing, without any idea where to look. It was even more difficult when Shen's camera went off again a couple times.

"I know you won't appreciate this," Shen said, gracefully, circling me to catch me at different angles and in different lights. "But there is something beautiful at times in the erotic, beyond just the obvious and horny parts."

Ahri stood up, giving our brother a quizzical look. "Well sure. But you did just call Gwen erotic. Just so you're aware."

Shen sighed. "You have no appreciation for art."

My blush wouldn't go anywhere at this rate. My tummy was all fluttery, and I was getting a touch concerned about my legs' going weak on me, especially when I had no way to catch myself if I started to fall. I couldn't fully explain my reactions, only that I found I could in fact appreciate Shen's artistic sensibilities. Which is to say I could very much appreciate him appreciating me.

I wasn't sure that I should enjoy my brother thinking of me as an erotic sight of some kind. Well obviously I shouldn't. But it was more complex than the obvious in this case. Mostly, in my mind, the way it made me feel to bask in my siblings' attention, physical or otherwise. Not socially acceptable in any respect, but doing things to me that I wasn't used to feeling, and that I craved more of.

It was worrisome how badly I wanted Ahri's hands back on me, for instance. I already missed her touch while she'd been tying me up. That mixed with Shen's artistic insistence led me to curious musings about what exactly the three of us could get away with in the name of art. Nudes, the tasteful ones, were considered very artful. I didn't think we'd ever want to take it that far, but it did stretch out the bounds of my imagination to consider the possibility.

I shrieked, coming back out of my daydreaming with a sudden jolt as Ahri and Shen worked together to drag me to the couch and toss me onto it like the dead weight I mostly was. They kept bickering lightly back and forth the whole while, Shen occasionally taking the opportunity to snap some more pics of me, even in my lounging and disheveled current pose.

"I gotta get my lights dug back out," Shen mumbled to himself. "With some real lighting...."

He trailed off, clearly getting lost in thought as he contemplated... something. I couldn't be sure what, though it seemed clear that I was continuing to inspire without really doing much of anything.

"You could get photography going as a side hustle," Ahri said supportively.

She was sprawled in a recliner to the side where she could easily watch both Shen and me. She had an odd, lazy smile every time her eyes traveled across my body, despite the fact that there was nothing actually indecent about how I was dressed.

"I'd need a main hustle for it to be a side hustle," Shen said.

"Enh, start small," Ahri advised.

"Right."

"You can add Gwen to your portfolio," Ahri teased. "That might drum up business."

I squirmed and rolled a bit so I didn't have to meet my sister's gaze. I wasn't even sure if she was trying to get a rise out of me or Shen with that one. Maybe it was a two for one special.

Shen, however, actually stopped to think about it. "If we went artsy enough," he mused aloud. "Better lighting. Maybe something less erotically focused."

"This isn't sexual," Ahri said lightly. "You keep trying to--"

"Trying nothing," Shen said. "You framed her tits the exact same way both times you've done this now."

"Not on purpose!" Ahri said. "That's just the way I learned to do it."

"With your ex," Shen said. "While you were doing sexy foreplay and whatnot."

"... do you know it's annoying when you occasionally make a good point?" Ahri grumbled.

Shen flashed a winsome smile. "I'd suspected as much."

He and Ahri kept considering options for a bit, off and on. They even left me mostly out of it, despite the fact that I was still very much in the midst of the conversation, and relevant to some of the details.