King of Hearts

I went to the hospital with my dad and my mom stayed home with Emma. We checked in at the main desk to see if Sam was in a room yet.

"He will be moved to a room this morning. You can visit him in the ICU but in short stints."

We thanked her and walked the long and winding halls to his room.

We walked in and saw that he was awake. He had a bandage on his forehead and a broken arm in a sling. He was crying, staring at the wall. He either didn't notice us walk-in or ignored us.

I touched his leg and he said, "She died, Erica. She's gone."

"We know, Sam. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

He snorted and said, "I'll never be okay again."

"We're here for you, Sam," Dad said. "No matter what—we've got your back, Son."

"How is Emma?" Sam asked.

I frowned and said, "She's fine and with mom. We haven't told her about the accident yet. We wanted you to let us know how you want to handle it."

"I'll be moved to a room later. I'd like to see her after they do that. I'll tell her what happened then."

"What happened last night, Sam?" I asked.

"I don't know. We were driving along Route 59, coming back from Ruth's Chris. All of a sudden the truck swerved in front of us. I tried to turn, but I didn't have enough time. He hit us head-on. I blacked out and when I woke, we were flipped onto our side and they were cutting the car open. Erin was holding my hand, but I could see that she was hurt very badly."

He stopped and sobbed. Dad and I were crying ourselves and stood silent. I hoped Sam would be alright for Emma's sake, he would have to be. I resolved to be there every step of the way.

A nurse walked into the room and said that they had to do some tests and he would be moved to his room after. We made our goodbyes and said we would be back with Emma later.

"He's going to blame himself for this," I said, walking back to the car.

"He already does, Erica. It's going to be very hard for him. With his parents gone, and no other close family, we have to be there for him. We have to help him get through this for Emma's sake."

"We will, Dad."

Sam was surprisingly strong and Emma handled it as well as any three-year-old could. She didn't completely understand that she would never see her mom again, but she knew what angels were and Sam told her that Erin was an angel now, watching over her.

***

Another year passed and I was still spending Sunday nights with Sam and Emma. We had dinner together every week whether at his or my house or an occasional restaurant. He wanted to keep the tradition alive for Emma's sake.

The first few months were rough. My mom basically lived with Sam until his broken arm was well enough to handle all of Emma's needs without help.

After those few months, I stepped in more. Emma was in daycare three days a week and my mom watched her for the other two days. As her fourth birthday passed Sam put her in pre-school. On the days my mom worked her part-time job, I helped Sam in the mornings with Emma.

He was an amazing father, but he was overwhelmed as a single dad. He never once asked for help but I saw the appreciation in his eyes the first morning I showed up at his house. My store didn't open until eleven, so I had no issues with helping out.

I did whatever little things were needed, whether it was brushing her hair, making her breakfast, helping explain why she couldn't wear her Elsa costume to school every day, or sometimes just talking to her while he finished getting ready.

Not once during that first year did I ever think of him as anything other than my brother-in-law. I also never dated. Most of my time was eaten up at the shop, and whatever free time I had was spent with Emma.

As Valentine's Day neared, Sam was getting quieter and more morose. Emma was her normal spunky self and didn't understand that the anniversary of her mother's death was approaching. I was down in the dumps, but I tried not to let it show. I had to be strong for Sam and Emma.

Valentine's Day fell on a Sunday that year and I feared that Sam would try to cancel our weekly dinner. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it but I knew his being alone wasn't a good idea.

As usual, I wasn't dating anyone, so I had no plans for a holiday that my family couldn't celebrate anymore. I never had much luck for Valentine's dates anyway so it wasn't a big deal day for me.

Over the years, I had been dating sporadically. I even had one guy last a couple of months. I just put too much time into work or they didn't meet up to my expectations.

Owning a retail store was a difficult life. I had clerks that worked during business hours, but I always opened in the morning and closed at night. I was pretty flexible during the day and didn't have to be in the store all of the time, but the evenings were pretty busy and I liked to be there.

***

Sam called me on the Friday before Valentine's Day. I was waiting for it and I was ready.

"Hey, Erica."

"What's up, Sam? How's Emma?"

"We're good. Look, I know you know what Sunday is and before you try to cancel on us, I'm gonna tell you that you can't."

I was stunned. He expected me to try and cancel?

He continued, "I've invited Mom and Dad over and I expect you here at the usual time."

"I'll be there," I said. "Why do you think I'd cancel?"

"Well, it's been a year and I know you've been depressed lately. I just want to make sure you're okay."

I laughed and said, "I've been worried you would try to cancel."

"No, I think we should celebrate Erin. We all miss her and—well, I think we should all be together."

"I'll be there, Sam."

"Good. I'll see you then. Bye."

I had struggled over the year after Erica's passing. I felt like a part of me died in that accident as well. At my parents' behest, I saw a shrink for a few months after. It helped a bit but my life will never be the same.

On my birthday the previous September, Sam, and Emma showed up on my doorstep with a pizza and a bottle of bad wine. I had been crying for most of the day and his choice of cheap wine made me laugh.

"We wanted to have dinner with you on Mommy's birthday," Emma said.

"Who else?" Sam asked.

Emma looked at him blankly and then her eyes went wide. "I forgot. You have the same birthday as Mommy."

I laughed and said, "That's right. I was born five minutes after your mom."

Without missing a beat, she said, "We got extra cheese"

"Did you know that was my favorite?" I asked her.

"Nope, Daddy said cheese makes you happy."

"Daddy's right. Come on, let's eat while it's hot."

I dropped the bottle of wine into the garbage as Sam laughed.

"I knew you would do that," he said.

I knew he remembered my sister always buying me a bottle of that awful wine as a joke. I threw it away on her every time as well. I was glad he did it.

I poured a glass of good wine for myself as he opened the box of pizza on the table. I knew better than to get plates, as whenever we had pizza at his house we ate it directly from the box.

The first time we did that I called him a savage. My sister said at the time, "He refuses to use a plate with it. He says the box is a giant plate."

It was just one of his cute idiosyncrasies.

***

My parents and I arrived at Sam's at the same time. Sam had a beautiful Beef Wellington resting on a cutting board in the kitchen and my mom was impressed.

"Sam, that looks amazing."

"Well, I haven't sliced it yet. Let's reserve judgment until we see the doneness."

He needn't have worried. It was perfect.

We spent most of the evening telling Emma stories about Erin. Sam and I told some of the more recent ones and mom and dad jumped in with embarrassing stories about our youthful shenanigans.

By the time I put Emma to bed, we hadn't shed a single tear of sadness. It was a perfect celebration for my sister. She'd have wanted us to be laughing instead of crying.

"Well we're going to hit the road," Dad said.

As my mom hugged me goodbye, she whispered, "Stay a bit longer. I'm afraid the dam will burst any minute."

I kissed her cheek and agreed.

She was, of course, right. As soon as we walked back into the living room he picked up her picture off of the mantle and held it to his chest. His shoulders were bobbing as he sobbed for his wife.

I put my hand on his shoulder and he straightened up immediately.

"Sorry about that," he said placing her picture back reverently.

"No," I said. "You don't have to apologize. You've been so strong this past year. You've earned a good cry."

He looked at me as if I were crazy.

"I cry every day. I cry for her, for Emma, and you," he said. "I just wait until I'm alone so no one can see my weakness."

I hugged him and said, "She loved you as much as you love her. I would give my life for you and Emma to have her back."

"Nonsense," he said. "For whatever reason, it was her time. Sit down, I'll get you some more wine. I have to get something off my chest. I feel like if I don't tell someone, I'll burst."

As he walked off, I wondered what he could be troubled with.

He handed me my wine and said, "I've been hiding something from everyone. It's been bothering me lately, but I initially thought I was protecting your parents. You have to promise me you won't tell them. It's just, I can't live with my guilt over this."

"Okay? What is it, Sam?"

"On the night of the accident, Erin told me that she was pregnant."

I sat there in shock. I didn't know what to say.

"Every day I replay that night in my mind, over and over again. If I'd taken a different route. If I had better reflexes. If I would've chosen a different restaurant. There are a hundred things I could've done differently. It's hard to hide my guilt, my fault in the accident. I..."

I hugged him and cut him off. "No one blames you. No one. There was nothing that you could have done. You're right, it was her time."

"If your parents ever find out she was pregnant, they'll hate me."

"No, Sam. They could never hate you. They love you like their own son. You've given them an amazing granddaughter already and you never have to worry about their feelings for you."

He sobbed into my shoulder.

Eventually, I was able to convince him to talk with my parents. They were saddened, but of course, loved him as much before. I believe that unburdening himself to my parents allowed him to finally begin to heal. He was like his old self after that.

***

Time kept passing and an uneventful year and a half later I went with Sam and Emma on her first day of Kindergarten. She was afraid and excited and begged me to go along. She didn't have to beg, of course, I would.

"Auntie Erica?" She asked as I sat in her room helping her pick out clothes. "Will I ever have a mommy again?"

"Wow, sweetie! That's a good question." I stalled as long as I could and finally thought of something to say.

"Your mom will always be your mommy, even though she's in Heaven. She'll always be watching over you. When your dad finds someone he loves very much and gets married again, it'll be like having a mommy in Heaven and a mommy on Earth. One to watch over you and one to take care of you. Both will love you just as much as the other. Do you understand?"

She smiled and nodded.

She bounced out of the room and down the stairs to breakfast. As I walked out of the room, I saw Sam in his doorway.

"You handled that well. You'll make a great mom someday."

"I just can't find the right guy."

"He's out there," he said taking my hand. "You just need to start looking."

***

We never stopped having our Sunday dinners. Sometimes, we would all go together for a picnic or a movie. I would help him organize and corral other children at her birthday parties and I even went on a vacation to Wisconsin Dells once with them. He never used their cottage anymore.

After dropping her off at school I went to my new store. The business was great and I had opened a second store in a nearby town.

I found the location when Sam told me about it. It's a large mixed-use building that has offices on top and a few storefronts on the main level. It was also where Sam's office was.

What I didn't know was that he and his partners owned the building. I found out about that when I signed the lease.

A year prior, I was waiting in the realty company's conference room when Sam's friend Eric walked into the room.

"Hi, Erica. It's been a long time."

"It sure has Eric. Do you work here?"

"No, I'm one of the owners. Sam told me you were leasing the unit downstairs, but he didn't tell me you would pay half rent."

"What?" I asked. "Sam owns this building? I thought he just worked here."

"Yeah. When Erin died, he wanted to have more flexible hours for Emma. He wanted to start a commercial real estate company and brought me and another guy from the board of exchange in with him. We all eventually quit the board and do this full-time now. It's way less stress."

"I had no idea, Eric. I knew the rent seemed too cheap, but I didn't question it. I thought it was a stroke of luck."

"Don't worry about it. You're family, it's fine with me."

He handed me the lease to sign and we finished our business.

"Is Sam here?" I asked wondering why Sam didn't meet me himself.

"No, the kid's sick. He took the day off."

"Emma's sick? I'd better check on her."

"He's got it handled. You know how he is. Practically father of the year. She's probably sitting in his lap watching Frozen and eating chicken soup with too many crackers."

I smiled at that visual.

"Erica, do you want to grab some lunch? There's a good bistro across the street."

"No, Eric. Thanks but I'm going to check on Emma."

"Okay. Maybe some other time? I know we didn't hit it off before and that's on me. I'd like to think I've matured some over the years."

"I'm sorry, no. I have to run."

"It's Sam, right. You've got a thing for Sam."

"I don't think that's any of your business," I said and walked out of the office.

It had nothing to do with having an interest in Sam. As deeply interested in him as I still was, I knew there was no way to express that to him. My parents would probably want to kill me and I'd have to avoid him and Emma in shame if he wasn't interested in me. He'd never hinted that he was.

I pulled in at Sam's house and knocked on the door. I didn't want to ring the bell in case Emma was sleeping.

I was surprised to see her peek out the window with a bright smile and then come to the door.

She whispered, "Hi, Auntie Erica."

"Hi, sweetie. I thought you were sick?"

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I have a temp-a-ture and my head hurted, but I'm better now.

"Where's your daddy?"

"He fell asleep during Frozen. He always falls asleep," she said with her famous pout.

She led me to the den and Sam was snoring away. Emma's pillow was lying across his stomach and her soup was sitting uneaten on the coffee table.

"Do you need some more soup? It looks like cold cracker mush now."

"Yes, please," she said and climbed back onto the couch.

I took the dishes into the kitchen and warmed up some more soup for her. I saw the thermometer on the counter and went to see if she still had a fever.

"When did you last take some medicine?" I asked.

"Eight o'clock," she said. "Daddy wrote it down, see?"

Just like Sam, he did and he also wrote that her temperature was 101.5.

I took the thermometer back and saw that she was at 101 again. I gave her another dose and some apple juice, while I finished making the soup.

When I came back, Sam stirred and sat up.

"Hi, what a surprise. What are you doing here?"

"Eric said she was sick so I stopped by."

He looked at the note I added to his, with the time and temp and he smiled.

"You've been busy while I dozed off."

"Mm Hm. How about if we take your temperature. You're looking pretty pale."

He fussed more than she did but finally relented. He had a fever as well. I made him some soup with fewer crackers and I stayed with Emma while he rested in bed.

After a long nap, Sam was feeling better, so I made them a pot of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.

After dinner, I tucked Emma in and went to say goodnight to Sam. He was sprawled out on his bed in just a pair of basketball shorts. He wasn't erect, but the outline of his penis was clear down his thigh. I stood in the doorway and admired him for a few minutes, while my hungry kitty drooled.

I'd seen him in a bathing suit, so I was already well familiar with every cut muscle on his torso. One can't spend a week at a water park with him and not stare at his fineness.

I sighed, longing to kiss and make love to him, yet I knew it could never be.

***

The next Sunday dinner after she started kindergarten was a nightmare for me. Emma was pressing hard about getting a new mommy to take care of her and it was taking its toll on Sam. He hadn't dated since Erin died and I didn't think he had any interest in doing so.

After another round of questions from her, I cut him off before he could answer and said, "Emma, for your dad to find you a new mommy he has to date someone for a long time.

"What's a date? Like play dates?" She asked.

Sam said, "When a boy meets a girl and they like each other, they go on sort of playdates, but it's usually having dinner together or see a movie and they do it every week."

She looked at him with the cutest confused expression. Then her eyebrows shot up and you could almost see a light bulb over her head.

"So, you're dating Auntie Erica?"

I choked on the water I was drinking. I couldn't believe she thought we were dating, and if that wasn't a big enough shock, Sam one-upped her.

"I'm not going on dates with Auntie Erica. She doesn't like daddy like that. She just wants to see you as much as she can."

I must have turned pale. Did he imply that we weren't dating because I wasn't interested in him? Did he really think that? Jesus! I needed some air.

"Why don't you like my daddy, Auntie Erica?"

I was speechless as she looked at me with sad eyes and a powerful pout. My eyes started to water and I panicked.

I stood and said, "I'm sorry. I have to go."

He tried to stop me but I walked out of the house. I had to leave before I broke down into full sobs.

***

He called me immediately and I didn't answer. He tried again for a few days after, but I ignored him every time. I also didn't go into my shop in his building. Yeah, I was a coward. I couldn't face him though. I embarrassed myself pretty badly and hoped that Emma was okay, but I couldn't deal with him.

My mom asked me to come over for dinner that same week. So that Friday, I found myself in her kitchen helping her make stuffed peppers.

When they were in the oven, she hit me between the eyes.

"I spoke to Sam the other day. He's worried about you."

"He needn't be. I just freaked out when Emma started asking difficult questions."

She looked at me as she did when I was a little girl caught doing something I shouldn't. She then said, "I know you're in love with him. It's obvious to everyone but him."

I looked at her and waited for her to continue.

"You're not going to deny it?"

I shook my head no.

"Good. I wouldn't believe you. It's okay to feel that way, your father and I would be very happy if you guys got together."

I was surprised by her being on the side of us getting together. I always thought she would think I was trying to take Erin's family.

"Erica?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"He loves you too."

I almost laughed at the absurdity. I spent a lot of time with them. If he loved me as more than a sister-in-law, I'd have noticed.

"I don't know about that, Mom. I can't risk going after him and being shut down. It would be too awkward around Emma."