All Comments on 'Faked Ch. 03'

chur m8 awsum story

⭐⭐⭐⭐

One and two? Quite good. Part three?--Crap.

I admire his sense of honor. Not everyone would have remarried her and assumed her debt to Randall. Did he decide that it was unfair if Randall didn't ever get monetary payback for the loss of much of his dick?

I like a good burn the bitch story. But sometimes when two damaged parties can come together and find peace is just as good. There will be those who think he should have left her high and dry and in some ways he maybe he should have. If she was his happiness and they can make it work good for them. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Get at least three good proof readers and use them

You still got 5 stars from me

You dropped the ball.

Sadly, this chapter was nowhere near as good as the previous two. It is disjointed and seems rushed.

In fact, it appears to be missing a whole chapter as it brings up points 'not in evidence', as they say in courtroom dramas.

We are missing great chunks of the story. It sounds like she was doing gang-bangs with Randall and his cronies, for example. And what's behind the, "You were disappointed about them not tapping your ass", business?

More impotantly, what's the story behind her prison time?

I'm sorry. You only get a 3 for effort on this one.

I recommend that a rewrite is called for. And please use an editor.

I look forward to reading your revised version.

Whatever.

I stopped reading after David professed to Kat he still loved her and wanted her back. I skimmed the rest bust was way over the top with the everyone living happily ever after.

Fuck that, he didn’t remember anything that happened because he didn’t do anything wrong but trust an asshole. she not only took all of their money, the house, his retirement, burned up his car, she had a relationship with Randall and rubbed his face in it.

David went from hero Marine to just another simp.

1 star because characters that are reconciling simps don’t deserve more than that

very good story.

5⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I congratulate you and thank you.

I also liked that you didn't turn the ex-husband into a sexless monk during the five years he was divorced and his ex-wife locked up in prison.

This is more believable than in the stories where the divorced husband laments his loss and seems to have lost his cock and his sexuality.

Good explanation from Kat on the revenge practiced on Randall in order to prevent her ex-husband from doing it.

She still loved him, and felt guilty and protected him.

Thank you very much for sharing your story.

I think he was a willing cuckold in waiting. Soon Kat would have been asking him to suck her lovers cum out of her diseased hole. And to lie to her about doing the same thing if it would have been him...PLEASE. Do you think she would have sat around for all the shit she heaped on him...HELL NO!

Excellent story, you have made it!

Do not like the end at all, Understand her rage and what she did in the beginning. However, the story derailed as she continued to fuck with him and really hated when she could not even apologize for what she did when the truth came out. Hope someone writes an ending where he finds his balls in her purse and dumps her

Sorry but the terrible writing spoiled whatever story there might have been.

Good story. Thanks for posting the whole thing. Others could learn from you and not make us wait weeks or months to get the whole story and hence have to re read to remember the plot.

Too mushy, should have ended at part 2.

Chapter 3 ruined the story. It’s like the first 2 chapters never happened. And all the instant mega wealth and medals and Joint Chiefs stuff was simply ridiculous. Ugh.

Stop writing.

Fuck me on a stick. Don’t write another goddamnn word.

Do you think they would give too-secret security clearance to a man who married an ex-con? A man who is such a poor leader that he couldn’t lead flies to a dead body? A man who is supposed to plan ahead and can’t even protect his own ass when drugged and lined up with a hooker?

And this bullshit that if he caught her cheating he would ruin her life, ruin her career, steal the kids and fuck rival but secretly still love her?

You are retarded and we are worse for reading this.

Turned out to be interesting story with well developed characters.

Other than my comments in the first chapter where I thought someone of his stature would have dug deeper into his setup, the story was outstanding. I think you played the interaction between the two flawlessly. Despite all the naysayers, there are rea people out there that love each other so much they could survive this story. 5*

You committed a huge Faux Pas. The Army awards the Distinguished Service Cross as the second highest award to the Congressional Medal of Honor. The Navy awards the NAVY CROSS!!! He would've been awarded that medal and not a DFC for saving a fellow Marine! Come on, man! If you were a Marine you'd know that!

.

Great story.

Not sure I would get married again but maybe friends with benifits.

Dove deep into stupid and ridiculous, skimmed after reading page one . Gave it the one star it deserved.

The baby would have been 11-12 lbs at 9months.

Liked it. Thanks

OK, first thing; get an editor. That said, in all, this was a very good story. I think the three pages of reconciliation was a bit long but I'll look forward to your next effort.

Thanks,

MFH

I liked the first story and was anticipating the sequel

The second story was a disappoitment. David was shown he is a wimp and a duck.

Just went downhill from here on.

The third sequel I regret reading. I simply hate it.

Katrina was a confirmed PSYCHOPATH. She should have gone from prison to a mental institution

Please understand the word is: damn! not dam (which is a water barrier). Still like your writing. Keep it up!

Just a FYI, the army awards the DSC, the marines award the Navy Cross.

I liked the overall story plot and most of the details. However, as others have noted, sometimes it doesn't flow smoothly. You drop in some information or comment that just doesn't fit in the current flow. And YES, you need an editor. Spelling mistakes and poor phrasing really jerk the reader to a halt trying to figure out what you meant to say. We should be able to focus on the story flow and sometimes we just cannot.

I think the outcome of the story fits the characters as developed. He didn't cheat but even he thought he had. She has a fiery temper which he knew from the start of their relationship. Once everything is exposed, she gets physical revenge and he gets financial and institutional revenge. The creep has half a dick and no balls and is in prison. Husband and wife get back together, carefully. I'm not sure that him having sex with an escort adds anything to the story, especially the very end.

The beginning of Ch. 1 revealed too much of how the story goes. Her treatment of him was so harsh that its hard to get behind him taking her back. Your grammar was bad. When you called Randall "diskless" it was too much.

While I believe that this story is a bit over the top, and I do agree that the 3rd chapter seemed a bit rushed and that I think there should have been another chapter between 2 and 3, I really liked the story. Even in real life, it is not always about BTB. If we agree with what others do or not, it is none of our business. Good job from me and 5 stars for you!

Fair read. A few errors but it did flow OK. Like I said in Chapter 2 it was not just the fact that she had sex with Randall right away. It was the mean and cruel behavior that was so wrong. She went out of her way to destroy the man. In my mind it is like a rape. If your wife is raped you feel horrible and angry but you would stand by her as she hopefully recovers. You don't hold the fact that there was sex with another man against her. In this case he felt he was guilty so as much as her having sex with Randall hurt he could probably get over it. Especially since they then divorced. But all that cruelty? Nah, I could not reconcile. They both were set up and the divorce happened. Had it simply been a divorce then sure reconcile as you both know nothing happened. But again, she was an evil bitch and that anger could resurface.

In my world I would have moved on as best as I could. If things didn't;t work out with a steady girl and she gets out of jail and looks me up? Maybe we have sex again but no way remarry.

Some good sense of adventure but I am not buying the escort's story at all.

At least your mc wasn't a perfect saint but he was still too perfect which of course isn't a perfect character.

David needed to be far more human. There is no connection to him for this reader and nothing but a sort of disinterested contempt for Kat.

Some fairly interesting plot devices and angles were the high points of this story and definitely overshadowed the characters and their drama.

Ugh, thank god it's finally over. How fricking simplistic can you be?

Sigh.... Chap 3 just mired it deeper.

Oh well

Can’t say I “disliked” it, so a weak 3***

But damn….did this tale get on tne “Trite Expressway” in a hurry!

Chapter 1 was strong, if imperfect.

Chapter 2 was OK.

Chapter 3 was only interesting for the need for the reader to satisfy his curiosity to see how it ended. Joint Chief of Staff? Seriously?

Sigh…..

Interesting stories, a few details don’t match, but otherwise well done. I think your writing is definitely improving. Btw expect a rating drop for the couple ending up together. This definitely isn’t a RAAC or cuck story.

The Distinguished Service Cross is an Army Award. A Marine would be awarded the Navy Cross. Either are pinned to the uniform when presented. The only Medal that is worn around the neck is the Congressional Medal of Honor. Just little bits information that make a story better.

I enjoyed it. Only one complaint. All three chapters combined are only 8 or 9 pages long total. You should have submitted them at the same time as one story with three chapters. Maybe one other thing, when writing about someone slurring there words because they are drunk, just say they were slurring there words because they were drunk, instead of writing words we have to try to read and make sense out of. Keep writing, and thank you.

I particularly liked Dot's explanation of the premie baby

Excellent story with real believable people. I love how he understood she was angry and hurt, he even believed he did it. I am terrified of this technology, I have seen videos that created with even early versions that are so good that the guys wives could not tell the difference and that was stuff done on simple home PCs. We are entering really dangerous times, I hope we are prepared. We will no longer be able to believe our own eyes.

That was not really good. It was rushed, too many changes in perspective, sometimes even in mid-sentence. No, this whole thing was nothing, sorry.

I liked this. It has a technoquirk to push the plot, relatable characters, and a happy ending. I usually do not like superman male husband characters but for some reason I do like this one.

One complaint-all red-headed, Irish women are not violent crazy ladies.

Good job!

Thank you for doing the multi part story right and posting them close together.

At least there weren't any typos. Other than that, complete bullshit. Randall spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to ruin someone's life and some pussy. Yeah, makes a lot of sense. Could have been good if the writer had injected just a bit of realism into the emotions and reactions of a actual person.

Now, on to Omegaman's other stories.; I'm hooked!

Can't understand the cuckold comments. Yes she believed the asshole and let him get in her bed but when it came time to seek revenge she did it herself to save her husband and make the asswipe sorry he screwed up her life and marriage.

I was drawn back in time to my younger days in North Florida when Auburn and Alabama were the football teams to chose between, when my "59 Ford Fairlane had a bench front seat and a stop at the new Krispy Kreme was a part of date night.

Enjoyed the idea and the characters, but you desperately need an editor. This reads like a first draft. 4 stars.

After reading the first chapter I wasn't sure about this one. I enjoyed the story and the last 2 chapters did it for me.

You did say you weren't in the Marines. I wasn't in the Service either. The Distinguished Service Cross is an Army commendation and 2nd only to the Medal of Honor for valor. The similar commendation for the Navy/Marines is the Navy Cross.

Great story! Well done!

Sorry, I could have done without this chapter.

Get. An. Editor.

The story was very good, but lost a lot on this chapter. She left him no chance and started a relationship with his enemy. And he, like the good cuckold he is, has nothing else to say than that he still loves her. It's a shame, but that ruined the whole story for me. All that's left is a cuckold story!

I've known plenty of Marines. They'd accept the divorce, but not the disrespect from the Ex.

Nice story with a novel plot. I liked the most the first chapter. Unfortunately, I got nauseated reading the third chapter with all the syrup and sweetness. A little too much for my liking. Just remember, you don't have to dot all the i's and cross all the t's to finish a story. Let readers use their imagination. Any way, like I said, nice story. Thanks for the story and the effort, and keep writing.

You’d do much research. LOVE slap hapy papy #9

Readers should immediately quit any story that includes " I won over $50 million in lawsuits against your old company and those assholes." Since no one will ever see a payday such as that in real life, any interest in the story evaporates.

Katrina stared out the window. She was thinking to herself. "Dam, David looks good. I can see him, OMG, his ring finger. There is a tan line there, and it is fresh. Oh, shit, has he remarried? Is he just being nice? Calm down, I told myself. After the way I treated him, it would be better if he had just moved on."

..She gets it why doesnt the cuck?

/

/

We walked into the chapel

..Christ what a moron, by marrying her again while she has outstanding debts not discharged in bankruptcy he is agreeing to assume liability meaning he will be paying Randall hard cash money for his cum dump

/

/

By order of the Secretary of the Navy of the United States of America, you are awarded the Distinguished Service Cross

.. 1 I dont think they give it to people NOT in service

..2 They definaily do not give it a civilian weddings in chuches

..3 they NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTACES give an ARMY specific award to a MARINE who did nothing to save any wounded army personel

/

/

I have been ordered to offer you your commission back. You will be promoted to the rank of Major General

.. Major general? from retied Colonel out of service for 4+ years with a security threat his wife has already proven herself to be? No president ever would waste political capitol on such a prospect, or were you unaware the President of the United States is involved in the selection processes of all flag level officers?

/

/

Fifteen years later

I am sitting here across the table looking at my bride, having dinner at the White House. Katrina was talking to the First lady smiling and laughing. Every once in a while, she'll look my way and smile at me.

I became Commandant of the Marines Corp and the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

..Why Math say you are wrong

18 to leave high school

04 to leave Annapolis

.5 for office training

.25 Infantry school

X assume 4 unknown number of years of time of Iraq tour and deployment to Afghanistan

04 Afganistan tour

01 to marry

we are now at 28+x=32

18 years of marriage

01 year of hell

05 years in prison

we are now at 52+x=56

15 year to commandant

52+15=67

56+15=71

Flag officers are forced to retire at age 64

/

/

He doesn't know that I know the escort and sugar baby he fucked is now the First Lady. I could see it when we were all introduced and the look on both of their faces.

..REALLY he has no idea the he used to fuck the presidents wife until he met her? in person? he was unware of who the presidents wife was? That is even dumber of a premise that paying millions in a lawsuit to the guy who fucked you wife just so you could remarry the slut

/

My god 15 minutes worth of google could have fixed every problem this story had, except him taking back the whore of course

Roll Tide

Fuck two First Ladies

😂

Awesome and hilarious

Outstanding one of the best!!

Overall a good read..it was a bit hokey through parts of it but great read overall.

1) There seems to be no rhyme or reason in your use of quotation marks, and less to your paragraph structure when using them (or not). Very difficult to know whose talking or thinking.

2) While you stated up front that you were never in the Marine Corps, after publishing your first chapter you had a Marine correct you on a number of items. Rather than reviewing and adjusting your subsequent chapters you chose to ignore them (e.g. continue to use the term "saber arch" rather than "sword arch").

3) Over the top 'happily ever after'. The Chairman of the JCS traditionally has not been the Commandant of the Marine Corps, the first being Gen Pace in 2005 and one other since. Not unreasonable to to have David ascend to that but what is completely preposterous was for him to ascend to either of those positions with an ex-con as his wife.

Also, the "escort" he hired is the FLOUTUS 15 years later?? Seriously? The odds of that have to be astronomical.

4) Going back to the original story, if present time is 2021 when he picked her up at the gates of the prison, and looking back from there - 5 years in prison, about a year being divorced before she did her crime, 18 years of marriage, a year of courtship....that equals about 25 years or would have taken place in 1996. The US did not have a presence in Afghanistan at that time, at least one in which US service members would have been running the type of war that was described that got David and Mike injured.

5) James Bond'ish confessions - y'know - where the villain confesses in great and unnecessary detail of his complete plot when he thinks James is about to die? By sheer coincidence Kat is in the men's room and Randall and two conspirators walk in and proceed to lay out every single bit of incriminating evidence in detail as if it had never been discussed. Also, what did the other two guys do that was illegal and got them sent away? They just talked about it but their only involvement was to stop the crime once she started weed wracking his dick. And don't forget, her recording in men's room can't be used in court.

6) I'm no attorney but once she remarried David couldn't he now be liable to pay for Randall's law suit damages?

7) And the biggest headscratcher of all - what was Randall's motive for destroying this man? So he could bed his middle-aged wife? Seems like a lot of expense, effort and legal exposure for what.. a woman he was going to share anyway? What is the back story there? Hatred of the military? Hatred of David? It would be much easier to hire an escort if it was only about sex....and given this story's flair for the dramatic she probably would have turned out to be the next VPOTUS.

The whole anal scene seemed forced and completely out of character. Totally could have left that out.

Yes its true. Randall has no disk.

So he confessed to his escort during the 5 years., what about her? Someone that pretty would have had a few girlfriends in prison, consensual or not

You went full HDK cuck . Never go full HDK cuck . Gave ya a 1 star

Damn Whackdoodle still throwing a hissy fit lol. Pathetic

Enjoyed reading all 3 Chapters

-26thNC Approved

5 Stars for a very good story. Yes, there are many problems like pov, tenses, spelling, grammar but nothing a good editor and proofreader could not cure. Good Luck!

Great story..... you need an editor, some of the glitches were so obvious and howlers.

I don’t know how they could be missed.

If you have an editor, get another one

I have read your works since u started. This is your best thus far.

The story earns 5/5 well done.

Do you see the dam? Damn man i forgot to look. See there are two dams.

I said in part 1, RAAC couldn't save this story...But the Epilogue saved it...3*

This story is in Omegaman universe so all the stupid situations might happen in Omegaman’s bizzarro world but in the real world David is too stupid to be a general.

Wakes up in a typical honey trap with no memory after a night out with a man that was after his wife with a definite reason for revenge. Not smart enough to get a blood test for drug screen. At the end of the story suddenly David has all the upper level connections to make anything happen but at beginning no real tech connections to discover the deep fake.

Great premise but rather formulaic. And too long for its length. Where is the drama or suspense?

Not so contrived as to be unenjoyable, just unbelievable. Too many plot faults and failures of normal logic to have any real suspense or drama. Everyone was just going through the motions.

Have to say, why did Kat think anything her husband might do to Randall if she told him before her torturing him would put her husband in greater temptation and jeopardy then after her husband found out while she goes to trial and prison? And didn't Kat have evidence that the men were conspiring to drug and rape her? How did the men explain that they had a key to the room Randall rented? As far as Kat getting 8 years of prison for beating his dick half off, Randall would have to testify that he willingly and voluntarily allowed Kat to handcuff him and tie him up, and that he agreed to the BDSM sex. So Kat got carried away and over did the whip fetish. That's an accident. 8 years is ridiculous.

But I'm sure you did your best. Thanks for the effort.

Omegaman56, I read all three of this series. You have a good story, but your writing skill has a few problems—nothing you can’t cure, but some glaring errors you really should work on. Many others have pointed out some problems, so I won’t repeat them, but I do want to mention some glaring screw-ups.

#1 Every time a different person talks, you must change paragraphs—even if he only says, :Huh?”

#2 What a person says must be enclosed in quotes—and only what a person says. (Sometime a writer will choose to put inner dialogue or thoughts in quotes, or single quotes, or italics, not really sure what’s right or wrong here, but whichever you chose be consistent.)

EX from your story. "And besides Kat, I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

This would be better: "And besides Kat,” I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

#3 From your story: "No, we are not married anymore. "David can do whatever he wishes we are not married," in a not so convincing voice.

Better: "No, since we are not married anymore, David can do whatever he wishes.” She said in a not so convincing voice.

EX 4 She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up. I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?" She was laughing, "I have for years."

Better: She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up.

I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?"

She was laughing, "I have for years."

I hope you take this in the spirit it was offered—just one old Marine trying to help a fellow writer—believe me, I’ve made just about every mistake possible and I thank God a few writers chose to help me.

Good Luck Buddy, and keep writing. You got talent! cd

Omegaman56, I read all three of this series. You have a good story, but your writing skill has a few problems—nothing you can’t cure, but some glaring errors you really should work on. Many others have pointed out some problems, so I won’t repeat them, but I do want to mention some glaring screw-up.

#1 Every time a different person talks, you must change paragraphs—even if he only says, :Huh?”

#2 What a person says must be enclosed in quotes—and only what a person says. (Sometime a writer will choose to put inner dialogue or thoughts in quotes, or single quotes, or italics, not really sure what’s right or wrong here, but whichever you chose be consistent.)

EX from your story. "And besides Kat, I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

This would be better: "And besides Kat,” I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

#3 From your story: "No, we are not married anymore. "David can do whatever he wishes we are not married," in a not so convincing voice.

Better: "No, since we are not married anymore, David can do whatever he wishes.” She said in a not so convincing voice.

EX 4 She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up. I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?" She was laughing, "I have for years."

Better: She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up.

I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?"

She was laughing, "I have for years."

I hope you take this in the spirit it was offered—just one old Marine trying to help a fellow writer—believe me, I’ve made just about every mistake possible and I thank God a few writers chose to help me.

Good Luck Buddy, and keep writing. You got talent! cd

Omegaman56, I read all three of this series. You have a good story, but your writing skill has a few problems—nothing you can’t cure, but some glaring errors you really should work on. Many others have pointed out some problems, so I won’t repeat them, but I do want to mention some glaring screw-up.

#1 Every time a different person talks, you must change paragraphs—even if he only says, :Huh?”

#2 What a person says must be enclosed in quotes—and only what a person says. (Sometime a writer will choose to put inner dialogue or thoughts in quotes, or single quotes, or italics, not really sure what’s right or wrong here, but whichever you chose be consistent.)

EX from your story. "And besides Kat, I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

This would be better: "And besides Kat,” I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

#3 From your story: "No, we are not married anymore. "David can do whatever he wishes we are not married," in a not so convincing voice.

Better: "No, since we are not married anymore, David can do whatever he wishes.” She said in a not so convincing voice.

EX 4 She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up. I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?" She was laughing, "I have for years."

Better: She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up.

I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?"

She was laughing, "I have for years."

I hope you take this in the spirit it was offered—just one old Marine trying to help a fellow writer—believe me, I’ve made just about every mistake possible and I thank God a few writers chose to help me.

Good Luck Buddy, and keep writing. You got talent! cd

Omegaman56, I read all three of this series. You have a good story, but your writing skill has a few problems—nothing you can’t cure, but some glaring errors you really should work on. Many others have pointed out some problems, so I won’t repeat them, but I do want to mention some glaring screw-up.

#1 Every time a different person talks, you must change paragraphs—even if he only says, :Huh?”

#2 What a person says must be enclosed in quotes—and only what a person says. (Sometime a writer will choose to put inner dialogue or thoughts in quotes, or single quotes, or italics, not really sure what’s right or wrong here, but whichever you chose be consistent.)

EX from your story. "And besides Kat, I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

This would be better: "And besides Kat,” I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

#3 From your story: "No, we are not married anymore. "David can do whatever he wishes we are not married," in a not so convincing voice.

Better: "No, since we are not married anymore, David can do whatever he wishes.” She said in a not so convincing voice.

EX 4 She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up. I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?" She was laughing, "I have for years."

Better: She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up.

I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?"

She was laughing, "I have for years."

I hope you take this in the spirit it was offered—just one old Marine trying to help a fellow writer—believe me, I’ve made just about every mistake possible and I thank God a few writers chose to help me.

Good Luck Buddy, and keep writing. You got talent! cd

Omegaman56, I read all three of this series. You have a good story, but your writing skill has a few problems—nothing you can’t cure, but some glaring errors you really should work on. Many others have pointed out some problems, so I won’t repeat them, but I do want to mention some glaring screw-up.

#1 Every time a different person talks, you must change paragraphs—even if he only says, :Huh?”

#2 What a person says must be enclosed in quotes—and only what a person says. (Sometime a writer will choose to put inner dialogue or thoughts in quotes, or single quotes, or italics, not really sure what’s right or wrong here, but whichever you chose be consistent.)

EX from your story. "And besides Kat, I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

This would be better: "And besides Kat,” I brought us back to my retirement, "It wouldn't have been the same not having you around to pin that star on me."

#3 From your story: "No, we are not married anymore. "David can do whatever he wishes we are not married," in a not so convincing voice.

Better: "No, since we are not married anymore, David can do whatever he wishes.” She said in a not so convincing voice.

EX 4 She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up. I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?" She was laughing, "I have for years."

Better: She grinned, "Oh, we are going exclusive now?" she asked. She slid right next to me and bucked up.

I again asked her, "Do you think you can handle it?"

She was laughing, "I have for years."

I hope you take this in the spirit it was offered—just one old Marine trying to help a fellow writer—believe me, I’ve made just about every mistake possible and I thank God a few writers chose to help me.

Good Luck Buddy, and keep writing. You got talent! cd

The series was decent but I knew when ryan was apologizing what was going to happen.

I get the romance aspect of it. But the wanton cruelty of the wife towards him for one supposed (not even real) act of infidelity is perverse. When she mutilated (even if deserved) the other guy, it was also perverse. When she involved the innocent children in her hatred, it hurt them too. At this point a reasonable person can assume she has severe mental issues and her husband's devotion borders on a toxic dependence, not love. But props because this woman had agency and didn't wait around for someone to rescue her or tell her what to do. She strode forward with both barrels blazing in her cute psychotic way. I was glad to have read this entertaining story, and feel my day was all the better for it.

Started off great, began to unravel in Chapter 2 and went totally off the rails in chapter 3. To over the top and unrealistic by the end. Ending really stupid. Sorry,

I waited for the finish of the story before rating or comments. The beginning told the end. That's not always a bad thing, as the details make the story. But in this case, it killed the suspense. We knew it would all work out. I enjoyed the story anyway.

All too happy, happy, joy, joy there at the end.

A whole lot of story that just really fall and go boom.

It was god for 2 chapters then you destroyed the ending.!

Randall could not have stepped foot at Augusta without his dad being present. Randall could not golf without his father being in the foursome. If you golf at Augusta you MUST stay overnight the night before you golf at the club. No exceptions. Not sure why you needed to use Augusta as a plot point as it was a negative to overall reading experience.

Similar criticism about the military parts. Making shit up on the fly rarely works well. Using marines as a plot device did not work as you clearly are clueless about the militarty/marines.

The MC was beyond belief forgiving the wife. Stupidly so.

If story was well written.... well it was not. Grammar, spelling and point of view changes were terrible.

I gave you 4 stars for a decent story line. Deep fake technology making a video that has ramifications. You even had the guy on the string and a logical way for the wife to find out she had been duped and was being set up for another major fall.

Then you had to go a muck that up with over the top bullshit. Augusta golf course? You could have used the local country club course and made it simple. I'll forgive not saying how your boy Randall got the fake video technology and drugs for the cigars.But that was unbalanced considered the detail of the other bullshit you dropped.

You protagonist gets 50 million in lawsuits, has a big consulting company and then just decides to go back into the marines and gets a star. Total crap. You end the story stupidly. He fucks the next first lady? Her husband a former attorney general and governor? They'd have buried him in an unmarked grave. Joint Chiefs? You might as well have had God burn a bush in his yard and give him a new set of commandments.

One of the better series on literotica.. 5* great characters and story line.

Wow, when timriv is unhappy with a cuck story you know its bad

First couple of chapters weren’t bad, but this last one was dreadful. 50 million bucks joint chief etc. What a load of ridiculous crap,

I would like to thank you for shitting all over the readers of this story. I have read some incredibly over the top stupid stories before but this might be number one for the shear level of stupidity on show.

1 star.

I regret reading this series.

Started off great, got worse as it progressed. Didn't live up to potential.

Proofread!

couldn't do it...

I tried but the butchering of the English language and any semblance of punctuation rules were destroyed, so I opted to skip ahead to chastise the "author" of this monstrosity.

The idea was semi-decent, but the action of writing was undermined by the piss poor language use/misuse.

Smokepole

I have liked all of your stories this included.

Keep writing and thank you.

@lujon2019 you should get a calculator instead of using your fingers and toes.

What a mess!

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However you're going to write, pick a perspective and stick to it, 1st, 2nd (shudders) or 3rd. It takes one hell of a writer to be able to work changes into a story and do it well. Maybe reciting a letter or something like that could work.

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Likewise with tense, past, present or future (good luck on that one!) pick one and stick with it.

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Now POV, some people hate a change in POV and say you should write 3rd person if you want to get inside everyone's head. Personally I don't mind, but you need to be clear about when the changes happen and you only did that once in the whole story. One time (at least) you even switched from one sentence to the next in the same para - "David dropped the car into gear, and we started heading back to Hilton Head. I kept asking her if she needed anything, and no reply followed."

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Surplus words, it seemed worst in this chapter, but noticed throughout repeating words you didn't need to or were even wrong. "I offered them coffee. They turned down the coffee", "I went back the long way back", "I dropped the clutch on the Chevelle and burned off 10,000 miles of tire tread on my tires" (if nothing else this should have been burned OFF, I would love to be able to burn more tread on my tyres), "I ran around the car and opened the door for her, ushering her inside the door" (inside the door? the car door?).

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He calls her Kate at one point, they are your characters make sure you know their names.

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Your characters were dumb as rocks. Can't remember a thing? Suddenly someone has Katrina's contact details to send her a CD to blackmail them? All this straight after an altercation with Randall who forgives and forgets so easily at being slapped and punched? This guy is supposed to be a potential future Chief of Staff?

To compound it, he gets an award of $50M (right!) and does not have enough money to set up a business? If you have that amount and can't set up, then it's the wrong business for you.

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I have no idea who her hotshot lolyer was, but where was the plea of temporary insanity? After what had happened to her and her family, any jury in any decent country in the world would have found her not guilty. Given how she refuses to see David, it wouldn't take much to get a report proving she had been tipped over the edge by it all.

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#1 advice at the very least use grammarly or hemmingway to check your work.

#2 get a proofreader, not just to check to typos but to sanity check it too.

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It could have been good, but instead got 1* all through.

After a shaky, for me, first chapter, this turned into a pretty good story. You brought it home in pretty good fashion. I’ll read it again, all together, in a few months and enjoy it again. Great work.

I find it amazing at the btb immunity Call him a cuck. For wanting her back Normally if a man or women cheat they get what the wronged can dish out. By these readers

You crucified her for going nuts. She did her due diligence. And found him guilty. You would normally tell that person to kill the bastard she didn’t do that but she did not allow him to see his kids more than what was court ordered only

And rubbed Randall in his face if he was guilty of cheating you would have had no problem with it

She Knew she did wrong by him and tried to give him a way out but he chose not to take it . he decided he wasn’t gonna let some bastard destroy their marriage

A real man doesn’t let anybody else make decisions about how he handles what makes him happy if he does he is a cuck

Thanks for the story, Deep fake is real. I can hardly wait for 2024 elections.

I found a couple of issues with your story. First, why the hell did he accept an invitation from a proven dick. You needed to bulk this up.

next, their romance didn't add up, she was too pushy for a guy who is an officer and leader.

Thanks again.

I enjoyed your writing very much! I have no military background to refute any part of your story. Yes, Dave was a CUCK but he loved her, stuck with her & in the end they were able to begin to build their life, again. Now that nonsence of him "boning" the First Lady years ago, that's just reaching a little too deep! If you have more about "Faked", I hope it is soon! Thank you

Might have been good with an editor. Changing point of view in a single sentence is mind boggling bad. As a single man, why wouldn't he bust a nut into anything that suited his fancy? It was just going to be peacekeeping pussy. But then again, even though the evidence looked bad, her treatment of him would have had a real impact on any love he might have felt for her.

I am probably a minority of one,but I don't think he should have gone and picked her up let alone get back with her.The way she treated him was disgraceful and to rub his face with Randall was just pure evil.

Nitpic is dead on, why would he want the whore. She's damaged good and the husband is a fucking cuckold moron.

Thank you, for a great story. As a Marine I will say you did fine and the positive portrayal is appreciated. The only mistake I will point out is that most Devil Dogs would have taken offence to is: the drill sargent in the corps it's Drill Instructor! semper fi tuffelhundidn.