All Comments on 'The Red Ledger - Life, Such As It Is'

WTF?

Stephaine/Stephanie

POV changes on page 1 with no indication!

Time line after baby born is rubbish - walking and talking before he in more than a few months, or were you in a hurry to finish?

Anyway I gave you 2 stars out of sympathy, but please take time to read your stories before you submit them.

Choppy, convoluted and hard to follow at times. Also, a baby born at 6.5 months is in neonatal intensive care in an incubator for weeks. Might want to edit that part.

Nice story. The 'Tramp approves. 5 stars!

good story.5⭐

A bit harsh but I really enjoyed it.

A romance that developed out of a Loving Wife experience. Nice story to kick off a Friday morning with.

Now I just have to look at my work emails...

do they allow 61/2 month pre term babies to be taken around.? ? Line backer yiur POVs were all over the place and made no sense!!!

The baby was born weighing 6lbs, 2oz at 6 1/2 months gestation? My guess is you don't know much about fetal development, and didn't bother to read up on it.

It was good but could have been great. You had all the build up and then in a couple of paragraphs they dated and got married! Would have been nice to see their romance blossom, to of actually had some romance.

Love the way you tell a story. I rarely get emotional, but when the child said Mommy, I lost it. Thank you sir and no nitpicking here

You have the making of a really fine story here but it needed to be fleshed out. Your story reads like a straight line but it needs a proper arc to work. Having the accident immediately was perfect but there needed to be some minor conflicts along the way to their finally becoming a couple. Having him learn of the deceit IS the climax towards resolution but it needed build up. As it is right now it's rushed and harried. It has emotion but not enough character development. Still, I have read far more ham fisted stories on here by well established writers. -starsong

Great read but the aftermath was too short so felt rushed. Good story though 5 star

You NEED an editor.

I'm a guy, I even know that a pre-my baby at only 6.5mo will arrive being near one-two pounds and have a potential health issues with lung formation being on the top. The pre-me will be in an Neonatal ICU isolation incubator for the next +2mo. and then a regular incubator for another month. So Shawn was going to live at that hospital for at least +3 more months.

/

This is still a nice fantasy story with justice for all. Cinder-fella(s).....

/

5*, Hooyah, Salutes...

Good story, very well written. I enjoyed it a bunch

Didn't like for the simple fact that the lovers died and did not face the consequences.

Here's what's good about this story...the plotting is creative for LW. That's rare. What's wrong is that you had a fine plot and potentially interesting characters and rushed through to the end. Your plot and characters deserved more development. Still, I gave you an LW 5, mostly for creativity and partly for encouragement.

The post below is right. 6 lbs 2 oz at 6.5 months? Unless the kid was going to be 12 lbs at term, you were way out in the weeds, but it's a very small thing.

The baby would have weighed about 12 lb of he had gone to term

Not bad…not great.

It was very confusing how you skipped ahead a couple years between the birth and Shawn finding his Slut wife’s ledger.

But a happy ending!

3***

I agree with dc6370. Some of the other timing is off. It is confusing. The story is good but needs some serious editing to make it more readable. Maybe keeping a time line would help. Otherwise, good story. 4*

Looks like LT56linebacker is quickly becoming a brilliant new talent in the LW category. He seems to be getting better and better. Five stars

A lot of mistakes in POV and grammar but a good over all story.

I like that the bad guys took themselves out right at the beginning. By the way, they almost always say Da Da first.

unreadable and confusing

4+ story I really like the idea and story line - but where to start. I like your stuff, I like a lot of it but the jumping around POV and such, even though you label it -- makes it very very hard to read. Then we find out the whole dealership knew about his wife but didn't tell him -- some family friendly group that is, no one could even chastise the slut and threaten to end it for her? Oh! they all loved him, (right - sarcasm) but no one could clue him in. With friends like that you don't need enemies. Were they just going to let it go on - unrequited love from Celeste is another bone of contention too. even his mom is in on it. But all is well that ends well right. At least the bastard owner died.

Good story, just a bit abrupt. 4 stars.

Wonderful story. Cheating, tragedy, betrayal, sadness, shocking discovery, healing, and love.

5⭐️S, but there are a few caveats. Yes, about a 6 1/2 pound preemie, uh, no. Mrs. Olefson professing love, uh, no. Your logic flow failed when they got together. Also, a relationship based on a galvanic skin response... Uh, no. I do believe in that feeling, but that point could be better made.

Again, you need a pre-reader and/or an editor. All those mistakes were avoidable. Send me a note.

But... Excellent story! Well written!

Pleasant, but rushed at the end. Your spelling started falling apart toward the end and the story got rushed. Sometimes it pays to put a story on the shelf and get back to it when you are rested and your head is clear.

This was painful to read. Changing POVs. The premie baby thing was not thought out. Changing character names. Sorry, but a 2 is the best you get.

Very enjoyable and I really enjoyed it. I would have liked to have seen the relationship develop more and a bit more epilogue to close it out.

Thanks for your story.

You would benefit from having an editor. The things I’m about to point out are not because I enjoy pointing out people’s mistakes, but because I assume that you want to write well and keep your readers interested. These were some of the things distracted me from your story as I read.

There were grammatical or clarity issues: “she was used her secretarial skills,” “So was Jr. even my?” “Sundays I was there from 8:00 a.m., right after church, till closing.” (Church was over before 8:00 a.m.?)

There were time issues: Celeste spent two weeks learning of her husbands plans, but when you confusingly return to Shawn’s account on the day of the accident two weeks earlier; then two years pass so fast (in a single sentence) that I missed it (and was surprised that “Jr.” was on solid food).

There where plausibility issues: why would Celeste immediately and angrily assume that Olefsen was the father of Stephanie’s baby? And then why did she drop the idea up with hardly any thought?

There were factual issues: a woman two months pregnant is “heavy with child”? Celeste is “diametrically opposite” to Stephaine (or, at least once, “Stephanie”), but how? They were similar in height and both at least somewhat intelligent; you don’t say how they were so different, nor how that affects the story. The lawyer tells Celeste that Olefsen “was going to divorce you,” but in his office drawer, “the large envelope is the divorce decree” that would have finalized their divorce (Celeste couldn’t have been divorced without being served, going to court, etc.). “When Stephanie was about 6 1/2 months along … the doctors delivered a 6 lb. 2 oz. baby boy,” but 26 weeks the baby would be premature and weigh less than two pounds. “Jr.” was about three years old (two years between his birth and the move to the house, plus 8 months to Shawn and Celeste’s engagement, plus some months until their marriage), and he still doesn’t say “Da-da”? A three-year-old should have vocabulary of nearly 1,000 words? Does he have a learning disorder?

I think you can be a good writer, but you need help catching careless faults like these and learn to give your characters a bit more depth. Good luck.

Just too many silly mistakes. The story blunders along and gets nowhere. Was her name Stephaine or Stephanie, who cares!

Ages are off.* Community colleges are likely to have PRE-engineering programs and probablyhave electrical technician classes. But NOT EE programs … those are 4-5 year programs. As mentioned, the point of view (POV) changes are frequent and very confusing! The actions of the Business Competent Widow are inconsistent and often stupid. There is NO reason she would (nor should) hold off interacting with Hubby, known by him and all to soon to be Widower Daddy. And the Grandparents would have mentioned her interest in young Shawn. BTWay, Jr. would NOT be Jr. if his middle name is not the same as Senior’s middle name.

* A WW2 Panzer (Panther) tank mechanic would be negative 10 years-old during WW2 (yeah, not born for 10 years). The ages for Hubby and Sweetie are also off … but less … given military and school. This offering is a careless mess.

Also NOT addressed … once HWD finds out Sweetie was a cheater, he does not confirm his DNA contribution?

2*. Tempting to award a 1* except for LIT’s rumored policy of trashing those!

Nobody (in coma, alive, nor dead) knows who the sperm donor is for Jr. At least, until the Light Linebacker writes a Ch2! (PLEASE Do Not!)

I enjoyed it but hoped for a longer story and a few more twists, and hope to read more from you. I gave it a 4 as you show promise. Thank you sir.

This tale is ok but a little research would help premature babies are not 6 & 1/2 pounds, some full term babies pop out that size. Jr would have spent time in Intensive care for new borns.

Please get an editor. Loads of misspellings. POV was inconsistent and super confusing. Timeline of the story was also super unclear and baffling. I really wanted to like it better, but it was quite difficult to read.

Unlit, eh? I find it hard to believe that with all the damage the lady suffered that the baby survived, but it is author privilege to write his story it is!

You received the Tramp Stamp. We all know he stands for 'justice' and the American way. This was really bad. Small wonder Tramp approves. WTF is unrequired love?

On your way to being very good. As others have said it's a decent story but needs editing. If you can't find an editor you can work with just get a couple of us semi-literate commentators to give you a proof read. It won't fix everything but it will cut the spelling and pov errors. I can't write a story but I do appreciate those who do and am happy to assist. Thank you for your work.

This guy is a joke

Started good but honestly it got to the point where it just dragged.

Though oddly the end felt a bit rushed. I know that doesnt seem to make sense but it is what it is.

Average! Why.? I wanted to raise after fact. Dislike intensely government and individuals etc who hide information as if in my best interest. Nothing hidden!

I Will Make That Decision of what is my best interest!!!!!

jtwheels

Lovely little romance story. Loved it

You can write good stories!!!!!!

Deserves and gets 4/5 from me

I liked it, but as others said, it was rushed at the end. Changing the pacing like that is a bit jarring.

Nice story, marred by wrong words in a few places. An editor will catch those errors.

CUTE story but very rushed at the end. It started after the baby called Celeste Mommy. Then, boom, dating, marraige, kid(s), and a dog.

At first the POV was difficult to ascertain but then you broke up the characters dialogue by name.

Another good story LT. Others have pointed out the problems, so I hav nothing else. I just enjoyed it.

I tried, I really did but I gave up. Lots of words but very poor writing. I won't score this because I quit on it. Better luck next time

This story screams for an editor. Spelling, POV, rushed and confusing at times. About that 6 1/2 lb preemie - WOW. At term he probably would have come out in full pads.

Nice story with potential, however it resembled a skeleton. Meaning,meat needed to be hung on the bones. This story was one that needed to be parked for awhile and revisited by reading it out loud, several times.

Four stars for a promising writer who just needs a little help.

Pretty good. My only regret is that the asshole and the cheating slut died without knowing they had lost everything they had planned and cheated for. C'mon, not even a few months of pain, suffering, and regret?

Glad the good people ended up with the good life.

Thanks for the effort.

Enjoyed

I agree there were mistakes in POV, timeline, and baby facts, but the story was creative with two characters to really like. A character to like is important in these stories, but two is really good. I enjoyed this story because it was a little different than anything I’ve seen on this site. Good job, thank you

You jumped around in your tenses and never could figure out how to spell Stephanie. Those and other mistakes detract from what could have been a decent story.

Correct me if I'm wrong,wouldnt 78 year old otto who worked on tanks in ww2 been 2 or 3 years old when he was working on tanks?

Loklie

I’d have liked this one to be longer. There wasn’t a sense of years passing, until Celeste said it. If Shawn had any feelings for Celeste, it could have been described as it developed. The way it went from Shawn having his feet cut from under him, to marriage, was abrupt, and only made sense if Shawn already had some feelings for her.

The other part is that you took nice guy Shawn and made him an idiot. How could he NOT question how the crash happened, where they had been, etc…

Decent story, but numerous problems. His baby was born premature - therefore he would have stayed in the neonatal unit for at least 6 - 8 weeks, maybe more to grow and get stronger. Then how is he going to care for a new born with the mother dead? To say he would need a lot of help is an understatement. You also skipped 2 years in time without any indication, and that caused confusion. There are stories where the cheater does deserve harsh treatment, but what is more important is the story as a whole. This definitely needed work before being published.

Do some of the idiots that write the there comments know what there talking about!!!! It is a very good story and i would love to see it continue. AAAA++++

Little bit of fluff here and there but I really liked it. As a couple others mentioned, you're starting to grow as a writer and this installment shows it. 5* from me...

This was nothing but a rehash of the last part of what you posted earlier.

No score.

Respectfully, I appreciate the effort you took to write this story. There are big holes in the plot. The point of view tense is incorrect in places, and you have too many comma's and run-on sentences. This reads like an outline list, with no elaboration of some important background information.

You REALLY need an editor.

Mostly what SwordWielder said.

A baby born two-and-a-half months premature would typically weigh 3.5 - 4 pounds, not over 6 pounds. And a two-year-old who could say "mommy," but not "da-da" has serious developmental issues. Most kids that age have a vocabulary of 50 words, and ask simple two-word questions, like "go bye-bye,"

An unusual plot, and some nice quips, like the old service manager who might have worked on Tiger tanks during WWII.

Nice story, but please proofread and do a spellcheck. The many mistakes were incredibly jarring.

Children rarely start talking before they are over a year old. They sit up at 6 months. They usually walk at a year and say single words at 14 months. (I am a parent and my daughter walked at 10 months.)

If you don’t have an editor you need to get one. If you do have an editor, you need to get a better one.

The story was good, although I would offer a couple of suggestions on things that you really should or shouldn't do when writing for others to read. Never call an apartment an apt - that is how they are advertised in newspapers, not in fiction. Calling the baby Junior is fine, writing his name as Jr. is not. The difference in those few letters in these cases is the difference between being read as a writer, and being read as an amateur. (I know we don't get paid for doing this, but the distinction is still there.)

There is no problem with calling a car just 'a car'. Unless the item has a specific purpose within the story, try not to use over-specific model names, such as Dussault Apparel Trashed Denim jeans or Patek Philippe Henry Graves Supercomplication watch. It appears to show that's what you would love to have, rather than how it's necessary to the story. If readers hate the make or model for some reason, you've pissed them off for no good reason. And... if you don't rein that in hard, it tends to get out of hand and the story can become your Christmas wish list. (I've read stories way too often where that's happened. StangStar06 can get away with it because he has a long, long list of stories and mustangs appear in every one of them. It's his trademark, it reflects his MC's mindset, and readers who don't care for his long, loving descriptions of the cars can just skip to the next paragraph.)

Always check your facts. If you state an opinion as said by a character, that's one thing. But when you state something as a fact, unless you absolutely know it's 100% true, check it. It takes two minutes on Google or any other search engine. The old mechanic's age and the premature baby's birth weight should have been checked. WWII finished 76 years ago, which means he would probably have to have been older than 95 when your MC met him. My two minutes of research revealed a 4.5 month (18 weeks) premature baby would probably weigh between one and three pounds, and that it would lose weight before slowly gaining it again, meaning a very lengthy stay in the premature neonatal ICU.

I research or check 99% of things I state as fact, and in the incredibly rare circumstances when I can't find an answer immediately, I have a character state it as an opinion.

If a character does something a little weird, like keep a journal of every detail of an affair and a planned legal assault on a spouse, and then store it where it might be found by accident, try and put in a line to explain it. Perhaps the two of them made a pact to read each other's journals. Perhaps she has always kept diaries or journals and influenced him, or vice versa. Just throwing it in there doesn't always make sense except in the writer's head.

Use a spell checker religiously. And if you plan to keep writing, and can afford it, get a grammar checker as well. They are not wildly expensive and would have caught a lot of the errors that slipped through. I don't know how often you reread the story, but it's something you should do many times, preferably with a couple of days in between reads. Even then, you can experience writer's blind spot, and simply not see something that's wrong. It happens to all of us.

But... errors tend to indicate a lack of caring and respect for your readers, rather than a lack of knowledge of the language. And, as a story isn't really a story until it's read by someone else, I would suggest not pissing them off with basic mistakes. Believe me, you will piss them off in many other ways, and they will let you know about that in no uncertain terms.

Anyway, please take these as tips and suggestions rather than criticism. They're just my thoughts.

As others have noted, the miscreants died without knowing the consequences of their misdeeds. IMHOpinion, that takes it out of LW. LW is NOT just a story where Sweetie (a married female) is poked by Not-Hubby. LW is about (again, in MHO) where the consequences of that pokery on the marital relationship are described and resolved … ranging from willing cockdom to abandonment, or worse.

In this tale, that never had a chance to happen!

Nice story, those mistakes did not hurt the story. It was a little to short. A happy ending.

please get an editor. this was really really good and i really want to give you a 5 but can't because of the ridiculously bad grammar.

Just a nit - maybe already covered. The Wharton School of Business, of the University of Pennsylvania - not Wharton College...

👍

Read it twice and Great Read. 5*

Kids and Dogs go together . To bad He was married to a Slut and her to a worthless POS

I knew this story had problems when the description said "unrequiRed love," LOL.

Really good story but a mess grammatically, so needs work, particularly making the first person elements a lot clearer than currently.

Absolutely a 5. I am re-reading the entire series, starting, of course, with this first installment, because of today's posting of the third and final one. I had saved both, but had forgotten how touching and superb this was. In fact, "the bear" could have left it at this, and it would have been perfectly fine. A masterpiece.

A good and interesting story but there were too many questions left open. Too blind of a trusting husband for me to accept and with everyone at the dealership knowing what the boss doing on the side why didn't one of his friends give him a hint of trouble in the front office? And the kid can say "mommy" but eight months later still can't say "Da-da". Maybe Shawn should get a DNA check to see there is a problem.

I just read about that baby boy.6 1/2 months. I was a 6mo baby and weighed2lbs, 3oz, and lost to 1lb,14oz. My son was 2lb,6oz and lost to 2lb, 3 oz. 6 month Preemies don't weigh 6 lb... Excellent story, though, just like your others!

Heavily pregnant at just a few months along? That isn't heavily pregnant. I gave up on the first page, couldn't make heads or tails of the broken up dialogue and the way it was written. 1*

***Thanks for the read.

Good story poorly written, slow down the narrative and fill in the spaces to make the story more believable.

Good story but it was rushed towards the end.

Excellent story! It ended just perfect. With 5 BIG STARS and a BIG thank you!

You need an editor. Sweet story with potential; absolute train wreck in shifting PoV etc.

Great story but you need an editor and yes I volunteer if you are interested. BTW I'm a huge giants and yankees fan.

Very well written. Excellent character development.

Very well written. Excellent character development.

Closure abrupt. Were you bored? I feel you should have left this open to a sequel. At least extended the story a chapter or two showing how they grew and healed as a couple.

Again, otherise , a great story.

I read almost all the comments, i'm not going to nitpick the errors already described. I just want to know how this is a love story. She meets him. touches his hand, falls instantly in love. spends 2 years secretly visiting the child multiple times a week with no interaction with him....thats just fucking creepy. I was shocked no one pointed this out. How is his mother ok with letting some strange woman visit her grandson so much? She's a stalker. call the police, and never leave your kid with your mom.

Wonderful story. All of you nitpickers should ask for your money back that you paid to read this tale. Great author, I want to read more from them. LP

Wow! That was a heart tugger there at the end. Well done.

Nice story, even with a tear in my eye.

Hallmark movie.

Nice story, but without Divine intervention orders of magnitude beyond Mary of Nazareth, there is NO WAY that a 6&1/2 month fetus weighs 6#2oz !!!! or can breathe unaided, or ... .

Sue me for nitpicking.

Read again. Should have gotten a Labrador but otherwise, helluva story.

The grammatical errors are still bloody frustrating.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Bittersweet but cute story.

A few grammatical errors(maybe try a proof reader??).

A 6 1/2 month could make it...after 2-3 months in the NICU. Small point, maybe, there are LOTS of medical people and parents who know such things. Small point I know but detail often divide very good from great.

NICE STORY!

Idiotic crap.

I felt the story was rushed and the 2 missing years left a lot of holes in the story’s flow. Because of that the story was only average for me.

Liked the plot line, but once again you rushed through it, some things you put in the wrong order, ( took baby home and next day he was walking) slow down, reread it a couple of days later, it will read better to you then.

Kids almost always say dada first cause it is easy.

badly written crap

How stupid must Shawn be to not hear the same rumors everyone else in the company is hearing about his wife ficking the boss? His buddy Sal works there too and neither of these numbskulls got wind of something that had apparently been going on for over a year. Shawn dithers over whether or not Jr. Is his when he's read the cunts and ledger stating that he was. Why throw the crap line about whether Celest had anything to do with the dead cheating assholes plan when the ledger had already stated she was also a victim? Hey Bear, this wad just a real turd of an outing. That's OK, shake it off, pick yourself up and give it another go.