That's My Van

Author's Note: Any and all persons engaging in any sexual activity are at least eighteen years of age.

**Disclaimers: This story has been edited by myself, utilizing Microsoft Spell-Check. You have been forewarned; expect to find mistakes.

**.**

"Come on, no one? No one's going to offer me anything for this?" the auctioneer called out.

Most of the people had already left the police auction. Looking around, the auctioneer gave a half-hearted shrug. Looking at the rusted shell of the E150 Ford van, he could understand the lack of enthusiasm.

"What the hey, a hundred bucks," Reverend Sidney porter said.

"Going once going twice sold," the auctioneer said. "Thanks, Reverend. "But, push pull or carry, you need to get this off the lot by five o'clock."

Using the tow bar he'd rented in anticipation of buying a serviceable vehicle, Sid attached the van to his wife's Nissan Pathfinder. Then he towed it to the garage attached to the Fellowship Baptist Church in Black Hand Lake, Minnesota.

"A hundred... You wasted a hundred bucks on this?" his wife, Lori Sue smirked.

"Hmm. No, no, I bought the tires. The van came with them," Sid said, causing his wife to roll her eyes.

They had met in their freshman year of college; she had been friends with Adrien Zeno. Adrien had been Rodney Boudreaux's girlfriend and Rodney and Sid had been dorm mates. So, Adrien had set them up for a double date.

At the time, Lori Sue had been a short, chubby blonde with warm brown eyes and devilish sense of humor. At six feet, three inches, Sid had towered over Lori Sue. But when she pulled him down for a good night kiss, Sid forgot about the sixty three extra pounds she packed on her five foot two inch frame.

Three semesters into his undergraduate studies, Sid realized he felt a calling to minister to the flock. He transferred to the Atwell School of Divinity, registering as a lifelong Baptist. Lori Sue Crowder tearfully let him go; she wanted to complete her studies and obtain her teaching certificate from Norman College in Lowridge, Texas.

While she studied in Texas and he studied in Martinelli, Idaho, Sid and Lori Sue communicated via the occasional text message, email, and phone call. During the spring break before her graduation from Norman and his graduation from Atwell, Sid proposed to Lori Sue. They were married that summer and moved to Black Hand Lake.

She taught the third grade class at Black Hand Lake elementary school while Sid became the associate pastor of Fellowship Baptist Church. The Very Reverend Don Warden was seventy six years old, and although he claimed he still had plenty of gas in the tank, the man was showing signs of dementia.

In the years they'd been apart, Lori Sue had turned to Adrien and had enlisted the beautiful and slender girl's help. Adrien was the president of the Norman Cyclones Cyclist club and got Lori Sue into cycling. She also taught Lori Sue what she knew of hair and makeup. Rodney helped Lori Sue start an exercise program and a more sensible diet regiment.

Now, the portly and cute girl he'd met was a stunning blonde that Sid was proud to have sitting on the raised platform in front of the church. She still adhered to what she called the 'Rodney Diet' and also cycled on weekends; organizing a 'Fellowship Cycle Club.'

While Sid sanded the mottled baby blue paint and rust from the Ford cargo van, Sid had time to think. They had been in Black Hand Lake for five years. They had a modest home, a home fully paid for by the Fellowship congregation. Lori Sue's job did not pay very much, but that was to be expected; it was a public school. His own pay would never make them wealthy, but again, that was to be expected. He'd not gone into the ministry anticipating wealth here on this earth.

And, at first, Lori Sue had been fine with the meager pay and the lack of frills. She'd been fine with living in a small community; after all, she'd come from Dan's Hollow, Texas and there was not much to Dan's Hollow.

And, Sid had agreed with Lori Sue; they would have children, at least two, hopefully a boy and a girl. Children could wait, though.

They'd both agreed; children were in their future. After all, as Christians, that was their duty and their obligation. And Lori Sue and Sid both agreed, 'practicing' procreating was lots of fun. But the last time Sid had broached the idea of actually starting their family, Lori Sue had exploded in a fit of rage.

"Yeah, it's not you having sit there day after day dealing with all them snot nosed little bastards," Lori Sue screamed. "Not you having their grubby, filthy hands all over you, coughing their germs all over you."

She indicated her toned body and shrilled, "And it's not your body gets all stretched out of whack, now is it?"

"So, we're not going to..." Sid asked, eyes filling with tears.

"God, what?" Lori Sue snarled, the sight of tears angering her.

"God, please guide me," Sid prayed as he sprayed a coat of gray primer onto the bare metal.

The engine was in good shape; Sid cleaned it up, replaced what needed to be replaced and put it aside while he completed the aesthetics. The interior received double padding on floors, walls, and ceiling. Then Sid laid royal blue short pile carpeting over the double padding. Four captain's chairs were installed and the rear had a bench seat that could be reclined to form a bed.

On the exterior, Sid and two young men spray painted the American flag on the right and left hand side of the van. Over the flag, they sprayed a luminescent cross. On the rear doors of the van, they had the silhouette of the lower forty eight states in light green with a luminescent cross over the United States.

"Cute," was Lori Sue's only comment when Sid unveiled his months of labor.

With another eye roll, Lori Sue agreed to take a ride in the van. When Sid suggested a make-out spot Darren, one of the volunteer laborers had told him about, Lori Sue reminded Sid that they were not in high school.

"I can just see it on the news now," Lori Sue scoffed. "Reverend and third grade teacher caught making out at Black Hand Lake's thumb."

"Uh, the minister and the third grade teacher are married? To each other?" Sid had laughed and Lori Sue shook her head.

"But now that you got this, you going sell that motorcycle, right?" Lori Sue had demanded. "You know I hate you driving that thing."

Sid used the van every Sunday, driving and picking up five members of their congregation that had no other way to get to church. Ellen Barnes was the first one in and always took the bench seat in the rear. Ellen had lost her driver's license due to a third DUI conviction. Emily Thomas was the second one and she sat on the bench seat with Ellen. The two twenty-something women then studiously ignored one another for the duration of the trip.

Three men, all too old to safely drive because of failing eyesight took the two rear captain's chairs and the passenger seat. Two of the three had severe hearing loss and yelled to one another and everyone else. They also had no sense of smell and the overwhelming odor of cheap aftershave filled the van.

"My Pathfinder's making this weird screeching noise," Lori Sue announced one Friday.

"Hmm? Take it in?" Sid suggested.

He drove the Pathfinder to Coronation, Minnesota, to the Nissan dealership while Lori Sue followed in the van. The mechanic pointed out the nine cars in front of theirs and said it would be a while before he could get to Lori Sue's car.

"By the way," Lori Sue said when Sid climbed into the van and adjusted the seat again. "I am officially not a fan of Old Spice. How can y'all sit in here and not choke to death?"

"Not easy," Sid agreed. "Good Lord woman. Just how short are you?"

"Don't worry about it, Daddy Long Legs," Lori Sue said. "Come on; I need to get to school before my animals kill Mrs. Yarbo."

"They're eight years old. How much damage can they do?" Sid smiled but drove his wife to the elementary school.

Monday morning, they'd not heard from the Nissan dealership so Sid let Lori Sue take the keys to the van. He donned jeans and a light jacket and wheeled his Suzuki 750cc motorcycle out of the garage and smiled as the machine rumbled to life.

At eleven fifty nine, Sid realized, he'd not made himself a lunch. Mentally thinking of the contents of refrigerator and pantry at their home, Sid decided to go to Crown Burgers in Coronation, Minnesota. The little hole in the wall sold a good, greasy burger, or a good greasy cheeseburger. You could order a bag of regular potato chips and buy yourself a can of soda out of the machine in the small, cramped building, or take the burger to go. The burger had lettuce, tomato, onion and pickle and each bag had a squeeze packet of mayonnaise, mustard, and ketchup. Don't like tomato? Pick it off yourself. Want extra mustard? Go home and get your own mustard.

"Only one king in here," Joe King would growl at any customer that dared complain. "And, it ain't you."

Sid sat astride his Suzuki and wolfed down the cheeseburger, washing each bite down with a sip from his can of Coca-Cola. Real Coke. Not Diet store-brand cola. Then, wadding up the bag, the packet of ketchup still in it, Sid started the bike and coasted to the overflowing garbage can and wedged bag and can into it. Then he roared out of the crowded parking lot.

He was heading to his small, drab office in the rear of the Fellowship Baptist Church, still puzzling over the sermon for Wednesday night's service. Forgiveness was one of those topics that is so easy to talk about but not so easy to demonstrate.

"Kind of like taxes," Sid smiled as he decided to cut through Black Hand Lake Park. "Everyone's always for everyone else paying their fair share of taxes but try to do whatever they can to get out of paying their own share."

Sid stopped short when he saw a large Ford cargo van with American Flag and luminescent cross painted on it. The van was parked near the 'thumb' of the lake.

When Sid had taken Lori Sue for the maiden voyage and had suggested they go to a make-out spot Darren had suggested, Lori Sue had joked about them being arrested at the thumb. Killing the engine and coasting up behind the van, Sid could see the van rocking slightly.

"I just said Black Hand Lake," Sid said aloud. "I never said anything about the thumb."

"Oh, oh God, oh God, yes!" Sid heard Lori Sue's muffled voice when he removed the helmet.

"Nope; don't think we'll be talking about forgiveness Wednesday night," Sid mumbled as he walked to the driver's side front wheel well.

Sid reached into the wheel's well and located the spare key he'd put into a magnetic lock box. Wrestling the securely magnetized box free, Sid snapped it open and removed the key. He then hurled the lock box into the dark waters of the lake.

"Yes! Yes, No, no, don't you dare pull out,"" Sid clearly heard his wife scream as he unlocked and opened the driver's door.

Pulling the lever down from 'Park' to 'Neutral,' Sid locked and slammed the driver's door shut just as a man bellowed 'Hey! Who the fuck...'

The van was already slowly rolling when Sid decided to help it along. He put his shoulder into the rear door of the van, pushing with all his might. The van was heavy and Sid was sure he had not made any difference. Then, suddenly, the van lurched forward and Sid staggered, almost falling.

Sid ran for his motorcycle and slapped his helmet on. Then he roared away, not bothering to wait for the outcome of his little maneuver. He arrived at his office ten minutes later. It took him a few minutes to catch his breath, then he entered his office.

"Good lunch?" Kathy Simmons, a morbidly obese volunteer office worker asked pleasantly when Sid finally did enter the outer office of the Fellowship Baptist Church.

"Crown Burgers are phenomenal," Sid informed her.

"It's that cast iron grill," Kathy agreed. "And he uses nothing but one hundred percent ground chuck."

"Wish I knew what his secret dressing is," Sid nodded, unzipping his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack. "Sometimes? I even forget to put the mustard and mayonnaise on there."

"Balsamic vinegar and a garlic aioli," Kathy stated. "He stirs in some fresh black pepper too."

At two thirty, Coronation Nissan called to let Sid know the Pathfinder was ready. Sid rode his motorbike home then got into Kathy's SUV. The two chatted about nothing in particular as they drove. Kathy cut through Black Hand Lake Park; it was a bit of a shortcut, bypassing Ten Bear Lake's Mills Highway. Ten Bear Lake's Mills Highway went right past John A. Mills High School, which had a 25MPH posted speed limit.

As they cut through the park, Sid looked over at the lake. The dark waters seemed calm. The third turn, right before the road let out onto Trapper's Boulevard, Sid looked at the 'thumb' and saw nothing but still, dark waters.

"Yes sir, Mr. Porter, oh. Sorry, I mean, Reverend Porter," the head mechanic said.

The man launched into a lengthy description of what had been wrong, what they'd done to correct it. Twelve hundred and eighty three dollars and forty seven cents later, Sid wrestled to push the seat back so he could drive his wife's vehicle home.

"Aw, that bitch!" Sid said once the door had been shut.

The van's driver's seat had not been pushed close to the steering wheel. Whomever had been fucking his wife in the bench seat/bed of the van had also been the one to drive them to Black Hand Lake Park.

Home again, Sid put the Pathfinder's key on the small hook. Then, digging the van's spare key out of his jacket's pocket, he put that key on the far end of the row of hooks.

Tuesday morning, Mrs. Yarbo, the principal of the elementary school called Sid's office, asking where Lori Sue was. Sid admitted to the woman that Lori Sue had not been home the previous day.

"The last time I saw her was when she drove the church's van to school yesterday," Sid said.

"We, we didn't have school yesterday," Mrs. Yarbo said. "Mr. Franks was doing his upgrade to the furnace. He says we're in for a mighty cold one this winter."

"Huh!" Sid said. "I, her car was in the dealer's for repairs so she borrowed the van; you can't miss it. We painted the American Flag on it."

Sid called the Sherriff's Office and forty minutes later a deputy showed up. He knew the van well; he and Sid smiled when Deputy Olsen admitted, he put his hand onto his heart whenever he saw the van drive by.

"Usually see it go by on Wednesday night," Deputy Olsen said.

"That, that's usually when I pick up a few of our faithful; they're a little too old to drive themselves," Sid agreed.

Deputy Olsen also knew what Lori Sue Porter looked like; he'd given her a speeding ticket four or five months ago. Driving forty five on Mills Highway. Both men shared a head shake when Sid admitted he knew nothing of the speeding ticket.

"Yeah, normally I'm not out there but remember? Yeah, it were five months now; everyone and their dog had that bad flu going around? Ten Bear Lake called us; they was down to two deputies and their Sherriff and Sherriff Stillman said he weren't feeling too right neither," Deputy Olsen admitted.

"Deputy, where are you from?" Sid asked, amused. "That is not a Minnesota accent I'm hearing."

"Originally? Paulton, Louisiana," Deputy Olsen admitted.

"Sweet Oak, Texas," Sid said.

"Yeah, that Texas twang comes through, loud and clear," Deputy Olsen smiled.

Through the gossip mill, mainly Kathy Simmons, Sid found out that Dwight Abernathy, the fifth grade teacher was also missing. Sid knew the pear shaped man well; he and his wife were members of the church. The Abernathys had an adorable little red headed girl and Brigitte Abernathy was pregnant with their second child.

Wednesday night, Sid did speak on forgiveness. He made the people chuckle when he admitted, forgiveness was not easy; he'd much rather be angry, be vengeful.

"Oh, 'Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord," Sid intoned. "But I'm saying, uh, hey, Lord? Look, I know you kind of busy there; how 'bout you let me take care of this one, huh?"

By Sunday, rumors of Lori Sue and Dwight Abernathy running off together flew fast and furious. Without the van, Sid had to make two trips to pick up the usual five. The service had just started when Brigitte Abernathy entered, pushing Delilah Abernathy in her stroller. Brigitte heard the murmurs and blushed, but pushed the stroller along the side aisle toward the pew where she and Dwight and their daughter normally sat together.

"Oh no, no, Mrs. Abernathy," Sid called out.

Brigitte's head snapped up and her brilliant green eyes were huge behind her coke-bottle glasses. She looked around; a fearful girl trapped.

"Oh no, no ma'am. You are not sitting there," Sid said, voice firm as he walked toward the frightened woman.

"No ma'am, we're not having you sitting in that pew," Sid demanded.

He took the handles of the stroller from Brigitte's hand and pushed Delilah to the raised platform. Brigitte meekly followed, blushing mightily; every eye in the building was on them. Sid easily picked the stroller up and wheeled the toddler to the short pew that sat behind the podium. He then smiled a genuine smile of friendship to the young mother.

"This is where you and Delilah will sit," Sid stated.

A steady rain fell as Sid ended the morning service. Sid had Brigitte stand with him just inside the front doors as he wished his congregation a good day. Some stopped to fuss over Delilah; she really was a pretty girl, and had been very well behaved during the service.

Two worshippers offered to take the three older men home so Sid helped Emily Thomas to the car, umbrella covering her. Then he returned and held the umbrella over Ellen Barnes. He opened the rear driver's side door for the woman and then opened his own door.

"So, do I drop the two of you off at Ellen's? Or Emily's?" Sid asked as he started the car.

"I, uh, what?" Ellen asked, startled.

"I, we, we're not..." Emily stammered.

"It is not up to me to pass judgement on either one of you. And I don't," Sid said, pulling out of the parking lot and giving Brigitte Abernathy a friendly little bleat of the horn.

He dropped them off at Emily's home. With a wave, he drove to his own house. A moment after pulling his Lean Cuisine from the microwave, Deputy Olsen was knocking on the kitchen door.

"How you can eat that?" Deputy Olsen shuddered, looking at the frozen meal.

"Drag Lori Sue's ass back here and I won't have to," Sid admitted. "She was the cook, not me."

Sid went to the station where Sherriff Donaldson interviewed him. Sid stuck to his tale; Lori Sue's car was at the dealership, she'd borrowed his van and that was the last he'd seen of her. Of course he'd been worried when she had not come home Monday night, but figured he'd have to wait twenty four hours before he could call the police.

"God bless America; I wish the hell Television would stop teaching people that load of crap," Sheriff Donaldson barked. "No, no, the minute, the very minute you think someone might be missing, you call us. Damn, every minute we wait is one more minute wasted."

The following Sunday, Brigitte used Dwight's Ford Edge to pick up two of the men and another family picked up the third old man. Sid picked up Ellen and Emily at Emily's house. Listening to the whispers and giggles, rather than the stilted silence that usually surrounded the two women, Sid smiled.

Again, Brigitte and Delilah sat on the platform with Sid. Midway through his sermon on Jesus's love and sacrifice, Delilah jumped down from the pew and ran to Sid. She wrapped her short arms around his leg, startling Sid while the congregation erupted in laughter. A laughing, blushing Brigitte pried a delighted Delilah from Sid's leg.

"Well, it would seem that God has forgiven me my sins," Sid said, lifting Delilah from Brigitte's arms and holding the child while he concluded his sermon.