In The Light Of Day

"I'm sorry, Gareth," she said. She read between the lines. Vivyan was not Ed. Either the attractive man had refused Gareth or was not willing to live in secrecy. Either way, she had briefly seen the pain and emptiness Gareth hid from other's eyes. "Will you be alright to perform this session?" she asked, her professional persona coming to the fore. She had a list of patients for operations and she needed her Surgeon to be focused on them, not on himself.

"I'm fine. I'll go find Mike. I have a couple of things to discuss with him."

"Sure." Shirley watched as Gareth strode away. There was nothing more she could do for him. This was something Gareth had to work out for himself.

****

Gareth stood outside the door of the Head of Surgery and took a fortifying breath. The request for the meeting had been formal and so Gareth knew it was not something insubstantial. This was no casual chat. He rapped smartly on the door and stepped inside at the invitation to enter.

The man who was effectively his Manager sat at a small, round table, rather than his imposing desk. That, at least, made Gareth feel a little better. He gave a nod of his head as the second seat at the table was indicated and he sat down. Grant Makelin was a well-respected Surgeon as well as a formidable one. He ran the surgical section of the Hospital with the same precision as his reputation as a Surgeon had been based on.

"Gareth," Grant said in a low, bass voice. "Is there a problem I should know about?"

"Problem?" echoed Gareth. He stared blankly at Grant. He was not sure what the older man was alluding to.

"I have been approached by two separate individuals. In both cases they have voiced concerns regarding your behaviour. I felt it necessary to speak to you to clarify what's going on."

"Behaviour," Gareth muttered.

"On the two recent occasions you have had Vivyan as your Anaesthetist you have all but ignored him. The atmosphere is strained and when you and he do communicate it's as though neither of you want to be near one another. I can't have that, Gareth."

"Have you spoken to Vivyan?" Gareth snapped angrily.

"He came to me. He tendered his resignation. He has made it quite clear that he feels unable to work with you. I refused it and told him to take some time before coming back to me." Grant held up a commanding hand, preventing Gareth from speaking while he finished. "He has nothing but admiration and respect for you as a Surgeon and was at great pains to say the problem lies with him. However, given the concerns raised to me, I'm not convinced he's telling me everything, Gareth."

"In what way?" he queried quietly, stunned at Grant's words. Vivyan had said he would leave when they were last together, but Gareth had conveniently pushed those words aside.

"Do you have a problem with him because he's gay?"

The question caught Gareth completely off balance. All he could do was sit and stare, his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. Finally he managed to shake his head.

"Vivyan told me of his orientation as soon as we met," Grant continued. "He turned down a bigger and better package from our rival Hospital to take up his appointment here and they would be only too willing to get him on their books even now. He doesn't publicise his sexuality, but he wanted me to know. This Hospital has many talented people with varied sexualities and all are valuable and contribute to its smooth running. I was quite sure there would be no difficulties with the teams. Was I wrong?"

"I can assure you, Grant, that I have no problems whatsoever with Vivyan's sexuality. None," he added emphatically.

"Then I suggest you and Vivyan get together and sort out whatever this problem is. I don't want to lose such a brilliant young Anaesthetist. I wasn't pleased we lost Ed, he had a lot of promise, too."

Shame suffused Gareth's body. He was the cause of losing Ed and now Vivyan could be next.

"As I said, Grant," Gareth said, taking a deep breath and swallowing past the nervous dryness in his throat. "I have no problems with Vivyan's sexuality. I'm gay, too." He met the stare levelly as if Grant was looking into his soul.

"I see," the older man finally said. "Then the issue is entirely personal."

"It is and it's my fault," Gareth said. "I'll sort it."

"I'm glad to hear it, Gareth," Grant nodded. "Keep me informed and I look forward to hearing good news soon."

****

Pacing the floor of his home, Gareth tried to come up with the right way of apologising to Vivyan. Everything he thought seemed trite. He did not want to phone the brunette, but was afraid that if he called round in person he would be rebuffed. Work seemed the likely place as Vivyan was a consummate professional, but it seemed too impersonal. He sighed. He had never been in this position and he had no idea just what to do or say.

With a sigh he headed to his bedroom and flopped on the bed. Everything seemed to circle around and nothing would coalesce into cohesive thought. He had never felt so helpless in his life.

****

It was getting to the end of his on call duty and Gareth would be glad to go home and relax. He still had no idea how to approach Vivyan and it seemed to consume every minute of his time when his mind was not otherwise engaged. He glanced up as a Nurse came running to the door.

"We have an incoming emergency, Doctor," he said breathlessly. "Car accident, one badly hurt."

"On my way," Gareth responded instantly, his professional persona immediately taking over. He headed to the Operating Room that the emergency would be brought to. He donned his scrubs and began the process of preparing himself.

"What do we have?" he asked the younger doctor assisting him.

"Looks like a ruptured spleen. The patient is young and fit by all accounts. He stands a good chance."

Gareth ran his eyes over the information about the patient awaiting his attention. The date of birth was eerily familiar. He moved to the operating room and stared. He could see the lush brunette hair being tucked hurriedly into a cap and he staggered slightly.

"It's such a shame isn't it?" one of the Nurses' voices reached his ear.

"Vivyan," Gareth husked. He could not do this if it was the younger man on the table.

"Sorry, Gareth, Vivyan's not on call today. It's me Michael," the Anaesthetist said. "Shame about this young man. Drunk driver jumped a red light. Smashed into the passenger side. Driver's outside unhurt, but this is his partner so he's pretty upset. The rest of the family's there, too"

Not Vivyan. Not Vivyan. As he chanted the mantra in his mind, Gareth came to stare into the pale, lax face. No, it was not Vivyan. He was someone's son, someone's partner and Gareth determined that the young man, so eerily similar to Vivyan was going to make it. He would not let a young life and love be snuffed out by someone's selfish carelessness.

Gareth applied every ounce of his skill into his work. There was one moment when the young man's heart began to beat erratically and then it settled to a silent prayer and sigh of gratitude from all who worked around him. Finally Gareth was able to close up the wound and indicate the patient could be moved into post-operative care.

Despite feeling drained, he insisted on going to speak to the relatives that waited anxiously. He stared at the sight of the group. Two sets of parents were obvious, along with some younger people. However, the man who came towards him with wide, frightened eyes was not a stranger. It was Matthew Turner and Gareth knew him as a well-respected barrister. He had even played cards with him. This was the young man's partner?

"Gareth?" the voice croaked from tears still falling. "Is he...?"

"He's come through well enough," Gareth said, squeezing the other man's shoulder. "As I understand he's quite fit."

"He runs. Never saw the attraction in it myself. So he's going to be alright?" The hope, the plea was unmistakeable.

"There's no reason to think other than he'll make a full recovery in time. He's in Post-op now and then he's going into the High Dependency. He's been through quite an ordeal so we'll make sure he gets plenty of care."

"He's my world, Gareth," Matthew said. "My everything. I love him. I don't know what I'd do..."

"Don't even think it, Matthew," Gareth said. He came through the hardest part. Now we need to let his body start to recover."

"Can I see him, Gareth, please? Just for a minute?" the other man pleaded.

"Not now. Not while he's in Post-op. I'll have a word with the Nurses. When he's been moved into High Dependency you can pop in and see him. But remember, he's had a serious accident and come through surgery. He won't look a pretty sight," Gareth added warningly.

"If he's alive and breathing he'll be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Matthew said, his tone heartfelt.

****

Gareth remained on hand for the rest of the night, checking on his patient and reassuring the anxious family. The young man, Leyton, was recovering well. Gareth was certain that he would soon be able to move him to a room where Matthew would be able to sit with him without a plethora of wires and tubes frightening the older man.

Once that was done, Gareth would normally go home to sleep it all off, but not this time. When he had thought it was Vivyan on the bed his heart had almost stopped. He would not let an unnecessary moment pass where he did not speak to the younger man, beg his forgiveness and see if Vivyan would give him a second chance.

****

With a soft groan Vivyan rose to answer the insistent ringing of his doorbell. Whoever it was seemed to have no intention of leaving. Vivyan had been sleeping badly since the incident with Gareth and was taking every opportunity to try and catch up on missed rest that he could.

"I'm coming," he growled grumpily, aware that his visitor could not hear him, but feeling better for saying it anyway.

The words died on his tongue as he saw Gareth and the way the older man looked. He barely had time to register the dark shadows under Gareth's eyes when he was swept into the other man's arms. As his body was held tightly, Vivyan could feel the shakes and the tears. Not knowing what else to do he managed to pull the door closed and guided the older man into his lounge.

With a gasp he dropped down onto his couch, Gareth following him down. He managed to wriggle to lie with the older man between his legs, his face buried in the junction of Vivyan's neck and shoulder. Not knowing the cause of such evident distress, Vivyan held tightly to Gareth and waited for him to calm down.

It took several long minutes before Vivyan realised that he could no longer feel the shaking or the muffled sobs.

"Can you talk to me now, Gareth?" he asked. "I need to know if you're alright." He felt the older man move his face from his shoulder.

"There was an accident. Car accident. Emergency operation," Gareth whispered.

"Oh, Gareth," Vivyan said sympathetically. "Did you lose the patient?"

"No. No he should recover. But he had your birthday, your hair." Gareth lifted his face to gaze into that of the younger man. "I thought it was you."

"I'm here. I'm fine," Vivyan assured. He could see just how profoundly that thought affected the older man and a glimmer of hope started to take root in his heart.

"I thought I'd lost you forever. I thought I'd never get the opportunity to beg for your forgiveness. Please, Vivyan. Can we start over?"

"Gareth, I can't be a secret," Vivyan sighed, even as his hand stroked Gareth's face in an intimate and tender gesture.

"I've already told Grant I'm gay," Gareth said, searching the exquisite visage hopefully. I was so wrapped up in me that I never thought about the needs and wants of the other person. I lost Ed, but he found the right man for him. What I felt for Ed is like a candle to a flame for the way I feel about you. Can you give me another chance? Can you let me make it up to you? Please, Vivyan. When I saw that young man on the table earlier..."

"Gareth, it's a big step," Vivyan hedged. His head cautioned no, but his heart was already swelling.

"I understand and I will need you to be patient with me. Can we put it behind us? Let the bad go?" Gareth pleaded, sliding off the couch to kneel between Vivyan's feet.

With a sigh Vivyan looked down and stared into the anxiously hopeful face. He could see now that Gareth looked really tired; dark smudges under his eyes, new lines in his face, and a slight gauntness to his cheeks. However his eyes were afire with hope and another emotion that Vivyan was almost afraid to name.

"I realise now just how much you mean to me and I just hope that I haven't screwed things up so badly that you won't give me a second chance."

The sincerity behind Gareth's words caused the small shoot of hope in Vivyan's heart to blossom. With a small cry he threw himself into the older man's surprised arms. Gareth gave a sound of shock as he caught the younger man, but he did not let him go. When Vivyan's eager mouth sought out his own, he was quick and anxious to respond.

All the passion he had been repressing for years finally escaped as Gareth devoured Vivyan's mouth. He marked every niche and crevice with his own taste, claiming Vivyan as his. His tongue slid back and forth, stroking Vivyan's and the brunette responded every bit as passionately, clinging to the older man. A low moan rose into the air and Gareth had no idea whether it had been one or the other of them, or even a joint sound of need and want.

Then his hands were exploring, sliding beneath the soft, plain cotton t-shirt Vivyan wore. They found the smooth, warm skin beneath. His hands moved upwards, stroking the younger man's back before sliding round. They moved upwards again, over a toned abdomen to find already hardened nipples. He took hold of both and pinched gently, making Vivyan buck against him. The soft cry was swallowed by Gareth's mouth sealing over his lover's.

As he moaned into his lover's mouth, Vivyan's hands burrowed under Gareth's shirt. He hastily flicked at buttons needing to touch the older man's chest, bending down to suckle at one peaked nipple and then the other. The same passion he had felt the first time they had made love reignited instantaneously. He needed much more.

"Gareth?" he queried, panting as he caught his breath. He locked his gaze with the older man. "I want to make love."

Gareth stared at the man in his arms, scarcely daring to breathe in case this was just another dream. Already Vivyan was a walking invitation to sin as Gareth's eyes roved over the younger man to see kiss-swollen lips, flushed face, dishevelled hair and his t-shirt pushed up enough to bare the slender torso. Gareth knew that he had never seen anyone more beautiful. He also knew something else; something of incredible importance and enlightenment.

"I love you," he whispered. He felt a tsunami of joy wash over him as Vivyan's eyes alighted with happiness. "I want to make love to you, too, Vivyan. Really make love."

Slowly the two men rose. Gareth's hand was enfolded in Vivyan's and the younger man began leading him to the stairs. Gareth went eagerly, a part of him still afraid that this was just a dream, the other part giving silent thanks for the generosity of Vivyan's heart. As they entered the bedroom he pulled the younger man to him, took hold of his t-shirt and pulled it over Vivyan's head. His lips found the nipples he had teased earlier and he suckled needily to soft moans.

"You, naked, now," he growled, his own desire being fanned as Vivyan shivered in response.

They watched one another as clothes were removed and dropped carelessly to the floor, until both were naked and vulnerable before each other. Both men's shafts stood proud and firm, glistening wetly with pre-come. Both were in the tenacious, sensual grip of desire and their hard flesh stood silently proclaiming that desire. In an unconscious synchronised movement they moved towards each other. When naked flesh finally touched naked flesh, the barely-controlled desire flared through their bodies leaving heat, want and need in its wake.

Gareth groaned as his hard shaft pressed into Vivyan's smooth abdomen and Vivyan's desire rubbed against his hip. He possessed Vivyan's lips intent on proving his love and giving as much pleasure as possible to the man in his arms. One hand cupped the base of Vivyan's skull while the other moved to clasp to a taut buttock, squeezing, signalling his desire and an almost primal need to prove ownership. As Vivyan moaned and bucked, rubbing against Gareth, the older man moved forwards, forcing Vivyan back towards the bed. When Vivyan's knees connected with it he sank down and Gareth followed him covering the younger man's body with his own.

They moved to get comfortable, Gareth careful to keep his full weight from crushing Vivyan but immediately moving proprietarily between satin-smooth spread thighs. He rested most of his weight on his arms which framed Vivyan's head and shoulders. Their groins were pressed deliciously together and they instinctively began to thrust. Their mouths melded in heat and love, tongues, twining and teasing in imitation of a dance yet to come.

"Wait," Gareth said as he broke reluctantly from the sweetness of Vivyan's lush mouth. "Lube, condoms," he husked.

"I have lube," Vivyan whispered," but no condoms. I...I wasn't dating anyone. I am clean. I was tested just before I came here," he added staring deeply into Gareth's eyes.

"I get regular tests and have never been unprotected. Are you sure, Vivyan, because I'd love to be bareback inside you?"

"I trust you, Gareth. I love you."

"I love you," Gareth groaned. He began to flutter kisses on Vivyan's face, neck, and shoulders and down to the smooth chest. Glancing up, he saw Vivyan smiling at him, the dark eyes glowing with love and passion. His lips moved to a nipple to a soft groan and a subtle arching of his lover's body as gentle hands stroked over his back and shoulders.

He gently laved the tight nub, relishing soft moans of pleasure and then moved to the other nipple to give it the same attention. He began to suckle and Vivyan arched higher which allowed Gareth's arms to move under his lover and pull him closer. He made love to Vivyan' nipples feeling the lithe body writhe in his arms, listening to breathy sighs. Finally he needed to move lower and his tongue dipped into Vivyan's navel, soft, breathy laughter like music to his ears.

He licked his lips as he finally reached the hard, glistening column of flesh that lay red and eager against Vivyan's belly. He lightly stroked the base as he slowly took the head into his mouth, letting the taste of his lover explode on his tongue. He licked at the glans, probing at the slit, drinking all Vivyan could offer. He relaxed his throat and took Vivyan in a little at a time. His nose pressed against dark, tight curls, scented with musk and pre-come as he took the whole organ in his mouth to a cry of his name. Then he moved his head up and down, cupping Vivyan's buttocks in his hand to pull him closer.

Every inch of hard flesh was reverently explored. Delicate licks to the sensitised head, firmer strokes along its engorged length and a tongue bath to sensitive testes. His tongue then slid sinuously along Vivyan's perineum and Gareth pulled the globes in his hand as far apart as possible, opening his lover's secret entrance. He tongued the tight rosette, relishing each soft cry of delight that fell from Vivyan's lips. The older man made love assiduously with his hands and mouth, his caresses firmer, his grip tighter, more assured of what his lover wanted and needed.

Satisfied with the continually writhing and moaning, Gareth relinquished the hard shaft and licked lower once again. He licked over the furled flesh hearing a gasp and cry of his name. He gripped Vivyan's hips, draping the younger man's legs over his shoulders and began to tease the tight opening. Darting little licks were followed by long, wet laves of his tongue.