All Comments on 'I will Save You'

A bit predictable from the start, a few typos, and the dialogue didn't seem natural. But not a horrible story.

Thanks

Clothes

Platonic

En-suite

In terms of plot and structure, the story was good. It probably needed another 1000 words or so to develop things, but that’s a matter of taste.

In terms of constructive criticism, the dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural.

The plot was pretty formulaic but I did enjoy it. If you had added a little more depth to parts of the story, like why suddenly find Alyssa and visit her without telling Megan, it would be worthy of 5*

The relationship between Luke and Alyssa was sweet, and pretty much the heart of the story. Megan feels like a bit of a pointless character who cheats on him for no good reason, and tries to 'win' him back in even more pathetic fashion. Don't know why his savior complex extended to Megan and Jeremy when he's giving them the axe. Firing Jeremy should've had at least a bit of self-righteous pomp going for it, instead of being the damp half-hearted affair that it was.

You couldn’t have made the outcome more obvious if you tried. Really badly contrived

Nice story, only the ending as a bit abrupt. Some detail about the date and their first moments of intimacy would helped wrap things up. Also where did Alyssa get the money?

Nice little story.

I do love happy endings.

Even when it was obvious Megan was setting-up the auction for her to win.

Still it was good story. Much obliged smokeandmirror.

Solid story, but the mechanical dialogue stripped the emotion out of this story and I found it difficult to invest in any of the characters.

Rushed ending cost a star. 4 stars! Where did she get the $4k?

I can't help feeling that Lucas cared a lot more about Alyssa than she ever cared about him. After she moved, Alyssa made no effort to stay in contact, not one letter or phone call, despite knowing exactly where Lucas was still living. She didn't accomplish much after school, then married a random Neanderthal and had a kid with him, so it's not like she was pining for her long-lost best friend.

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If Alyssa's life hadn't been such a train wreck, I doubt she would've made any real effort to maintain the friendship with Lucas after he reached out. The only reason she got together with him was because she was desperate and needed him for money. She even tells him precisely this!

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"I have to make the best decisions for Alia and staying with Gabe just doesn't make sense."

Because he's a broke, wife-beating loser, and she see's a great opportunity to trade up.

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"I'm going to need your financial support to do that though, Luke. Are you okay with that?"

And like a good little white-knighting beta, he rushes to agree to raise another man's child.

"Gabe gave up his rights so that he didn't have to pay child support."

lol...

"Megan walked off and Alyssa pulled me aside."

Yeah, I bet she did! No way was she going to let Megan sink her claws back into Alyssa's new meal-ticket! Spending $4k on buying Lucas at the auction was an incredible bargain. It costs approximately $200k to raise a child to eighteen, and that's not including college fees!

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At face value, it's a nice story about a guy trying to help his childhood friend. When you look at it a bit more carefully, it's really about a weak guy being shamelessly used and disrespected by not just one, but two very self-centred women.

Didn't so much end as fall of a cliff! Good story, though.

Very improbable, but sweet with a creative plot. 5. A few points: 1. The dialogue is occasionally a bit wooden. 2. "clothes", not "cloths", unless these women have strange fashion taste. 3. This sort of virtue signaling is very tiresome (authors are constantly sentimentalizing women, except for the cheating): "The money goes for abused wives and children, so this is a cause that I can really get behind." The fact is that women initiate more "domestic violence" than men (and women also lie about violence more than occasionally). 4. The ending was rushed. Still, an interesting, generally well written story!

Very good heartwarming story but pretty predictable. Letting Jeremy off the hook not only with no consequences but with an actual reward in the form of a severance package for fucking his wife didnt sit real well with me. I'm sure he'll move along and repeat his pattern and fuck up someone else's marriage. Why not there seems to be no consequences for it as I'm sure it wont be too hard for a CFO who resigned without any marks on his record to find another comparable job. The story really didnt tell how the wife had contact with Jeremy enough to have an affair nor did it really tell why, other than to say it was something exciting. I feel you can be an excellent writer if you polished your writing skills a bit.

I get this was from the hubby's pov but more dialogue from the ex would've made this story alot better

Cloth or clothes?

The story was a bit bland and without tension. Wife cheated, he divorced her but helped her out financially and promised her to always be part of the family. He fired his CFO but was still cordial and gave him a generous severance packet. Absolutely no drama.

What a beautiful story, and refreshing change of pace for smokeandmirror, who began with a bang with his eponymous debut, then more or less re-wrote the same RAAC story over and over to diminishing returns. "Thanks Mom!" broke the mold, and now "I Will Save You" gets him another 5 from this reader. Sure, one could it coming, or at least it coming in all probability. But that didn't make Luke and Alyssa becoming a couple any less sweet.

'I still interact with him on a consistent basis, but that isn't material to this story.' That never stopped countless other 'back story' aficionados! That gets you to at lest a solid 4*, right there!!!

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When you become a CEO, you're at the top of the heap. It takes a certain kind of person, and that kind is not one to let Jeremy piss on your leg and walk away like the good loser in a racquetball game. In Jeremy's employment contract will be a couple of clauses (trust me) concerning 'professional behavior' or 'conduct unbecoming'. Everyone needs a lever, an 'out', and executive employment contracts are no exception. In this case, MC should've terminated Jeremy without prejudice, without mercy, based on his fucking the CEO's wife, as well as lying the the CEO (and possibly Chairman) about why he was unable to attend a duly-authorized board meeting. I've seen this clause used twice in a power/ego struggle atop a major corporation. It's their dirty little secret. Like 'Fight Club', nobody talks about it.

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Two quibbles, one wording and the other plot. First, 'cloths' are fabrics and 'clothes' are made from 'various types of cloth'. Second.... where did Alyssa get the money? Did MC have to cover her $4K cheque?

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Still, a GREAT, well-written and cleverly plotted story. 5/5!!!

Ending would have been better perhaps with her asking,(as she signed the check) by the way,can you lend me $4000?

Not bad for a Knight In Shining Armor story.

Facile, bland, silly

Í looked on this as a doomed relationship from the beginning. He secretly researched some woman, lied tó his wife about it, then drove tó met a married woman in ánother state.

Cmon man.

~Enkidu

Good story thank you. A good happy ending.

What’s in the water that has S&M and Slick742 using “plutonic”? Igneous rock or the underworld? And isn’t part of good grammar the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit?

Good story!

5

"I had sent myself a memo to talk to HR about a formal warning to Jeremy about his latest efforts." - Do CFO's get formal warnings?

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Presumably cheating with Megan isn't during business hours (or is it?), so shouldn't affect Jeremy's work.

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How she expected to keep the affair hidden when she talked to her lover in the house she was sharing with her husband's childhood friend is beyond me!

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"Hopefully he takes that option, but I am willing to fight it out in court if necessary." - Gabe can certainly give up his parental rights in exchange for her waiving child support, but barring extreme circumstances, it's unlikely that she'd prevail in court.

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"I stopped looking at her as my little sister" - I would have thought that would've stopped once he was divorced.

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Where DID she get the money, or was she counting on him covering it?

A really good story with an interesting subject. I notice that you are telling the story in a very sterile manner. Sometimes it seems to me as if I am in an operating room, it is told so clearly and objectively. I lack real feelings. Everything happens so precisely and without any unforeseen input. Your protagonist treats all events on the same emotional level. There is no noticeable up and down! Maybe you should let your characters become a little more human. I would be happy to hear more stories from you!

Good story about caring for an old friend, coupled with a gentle little cheating wife story. Everything , including the interaction with the cheaters, was handled with great civility and equanimity. Nice to see him get together with Alyssa in the end.

I get that she "saves" him at the auction but while this story has all the high points of a great LW story I was so emotionally unattached to any of the characters. Everyone has a back story here, why Alyssa married an abuser after she escaped from her alcoholic father, how Lucas is the rescuer of women but misreads his own wife and has to dig to find Alyssa who could have stayed in contact after the move.

And what about Jeremy, did he hate Lucas so he seduced his wife? What was his end game? I felt a lot of stuff happened behind the scenes, in the minds of the secondary characters, Megan, Allyssa, Jeremy, Allyssa's 1st husband. Not knowing their motivations and having an infallible hero in Lucas made the whole thing feel empty to me. Any yet similar stories in this vein have a scheming lothario who hates his boss so he seduces his wife who can't resist. Their anger and angst feed into the husbands discovery and confrontation with the cheaters. The lost love returns at some point and there is drama in her story, her family, her husband the child.

The final solution getting outbid at the auction really could have been climatic instead of, oh I guess we won't use the second bedroom.

Yeah a little empty, you had all my greatest hits in there, just Lucas was superman and superman without Lex Luthor or Zod always wins because he's superman.

As in all your stories, the dialogue is wooden. People don't talk in lengthy, structured paragraphs. And once again your characters speak and act without emotion. They may as well be androids.

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Still, you can spin a plot. There is an actual story being told here, which puts you one up on most of the writers in the LW category.

Nope. I hate the fragile male writers that need to make the fucked over husband a perfect fucking angel.

Might have been good were it not for that tired and worn out idea. It was well written and I made it through but the perfect ex is getting old these days.

It was OK. Actually, it was fairly boring. Not much drama. Hell….tne confrontation with Megan was a snooze fest! And when she just gave up li,e she was throwing out a stale bagel…..and then she wants to be friends? And tne idiot agrees?

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Just lacking in any emotional impact.

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Barely 3 *** ….. and only because your technical writing is above average for most authors around here.

Dude, you are telescoping your plot 5 miles ahead for everybody to see, with a lot of phony posturing, hypocrisy, and pretense. All the dialogues are rehersed and 100% unrealistic.

Perfect male character, knight on a white horse blah-blah-blah. My guess you are dreaming about yourself. Maserati Quattroporte is a part of your fantasy? LOL.

Anyway, it takes some character and originality to do interesting writing, you don't have any.

Have you posted this before? I'm sure I have read it before.

The timing doesn’t make sense. Alyssa’s story would put her a couple of years out of high school. Luke’s story has him 8 or more years out of college.

A pleasant story. D

Writing was quite good, apart from some dumb proofreading errors. Emotions were vacuous and unbelievable. If the MO was as wonderful as he believes he is why did she cheat? He has no clue-Martian Slut Ray strikes again. Alyssa reeled him in when she needed him but made no effort to keep in touch before. A classic case where, as in every marriage, the MC should have taken a regular look at himself and his marriage from her POV. It would have stopped this catastrophe. Now he's lost a partner and gained an opportunist. Good luck with that.

Good plot, odd writing style. So Melissa just kind of blew up one day and started fucking what's his name? And the cuckold never had a clue? Another shallow tepid distant marriage that died from lack of attention. At least he made good money while his wife was having fun, I guess. Hope he has more brain with Alyssa.

Thanks for the effort.

eh just too many "rich guy saves the abused woman" stories to like this it didnt have anything diff

He's just told his wife is cheating on him with a Jeremy. The first response he gave is "so that's why he's late with his report, again." I stopped bothering with this character from then on.

If my wife lied about a trip and instead visited an old friend, and then had the audacity to move them in my house without discussing it with me, they'd both be out the door. This MC was written as the perfect gentleman but had no faith in his wife and dumped her with no emotions. Just doesn't ring true.

Well done, it was fun and entertaining. I don't think Anon from 3 Days ago paid attention since they can't remember the wife's name was Megan. 3*

Biiiiggg mistake marrying a woman who grew up in an abusive environment and then married into one... if he thinks things are going to get better by rescuing her, he better think again. He probably would have been better off staying with the cheater... a lot less drama... Alyssa is going to need a lot of serious counseling... a lot.

So,where did Alyssa get four thousand dollars from,it isn't explained.?

After reading some of the comments to this story I must say that I don’t see the problems , you didn’t pull a rabbit out of your hat , no sleight of hand , simply put , it was all smoke and mirrors , respectively! This was my fourth story I’ve read of yours in the alphabetical fashion in which they’re listed . Your style is just that , YOUR style , yeah it’s a bit unorthodox , which is exactly what I think a writer would want to achieve , a unique style . They seem to be based pretty much on original ideas , which in itself is pretty hard to achieve as there are only so many possibilities in such a limited sub genre , yet so far I believe you have succeeded. Even if there not totally original per se , you still have leant a new and alluring design on them , making them truly yours . Great job , and I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your submissions and hope you keep producing more ! I’ll go back and rate every one I’ve read so far at 5 as I believe you’ve earned it !

Is this a feel good story - YES, but there are a few things that make this perfect couple look less than honorable/devious. 1. Where did she get a spare $4K being a receptionist? 2. He went looking for her taking a whole weekend and not telling Megan what he was up too - sure looks like he had a desired plan - that happened? Due to this the story lost one point.

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In all cases the other partner was worse or more dishonest than the magic couple. So what fell threw the outhouse floor in both lives came out smelling like a roses. The real winner here is Alia.

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4*, Hooyah

Love the Philly references! Got to suggest you get an editor to cover incorrect (but correctly spelled) words, such as "cloths" instead of "clothes".

I enjoyed the story. I was happy to see the two friends get together at the end. They will make a wonderful couple. Thanks for writing.

Enjoyable story 4*

Too predictable I knew the whole story after the first page. You can do better! Keep trying.

As the previous person said. I determined it all and thus it came to be. All run of the mill stuff. OK as a story but many of these types are the same.

I really like this story. I gave it 5 stars. I only have 1 question! Where did she get the $4,000?

Outstanding. Loved the story. Thank you.

All the best,

Dave

Loved it, and all your Stories.