Conversations With a Loving Wife 02

"That's not really a surprise."

"What time is the party? William and I would like to attend. I need to run out and get graduation gifts for them."

"Oh lord. (muttered under her breath). It starts at 5:00 at Dad's house."

"Oh. OK. Thanks. It will be great to see everyone again. William and I've missed everyone."

"Yeah. Mary missed Billy-boy too. She never was a good shot."

"What was that, Gerry?"

"Oh, nothing important. I do need to get going though."

"OK. Bye Dear."

Later that day:

"WHAT?????" the word was shouted out in stereo.

[laughing] "Don't worry. I told her it was at Dad's house."

"Yes, I got that."

"So, where do you think that they will show up two hours late tomorrow?"

5:00 the next evening:

"Odd. I would have thought that there would be more cars here for the party."

"Yeah, and I don't recognize either of the cars in the driveway."

"Well, it has been a long time. Maybe they got different cars."

[DING DONG]

"Yes? May I help you?"

"Uuummmm, yes. We're here for my son's and his daughter's graduation party."

"Graduation party? For your son and his daughter?"

"Yes. My oldest daughter told me that the party would be here at 5:00 this afternoon."

"I don't have a clue what you are talking about. My kids are all still in high school. I don't know anything about a party. I think you need to leave now."

[SLAM]

[Ringtone - We're here at the station and you're getting on

And all I can think of is thank God and Greyhound you're gone]

"Hello." (Loud party sounds in the background.)

"Jeff. It's Jennifer."

"I am aware of that."

"Well, William and I are outside your house, or what used to be your house, for Jeff and Emily's graduation party."

"Well, come on in. It's a great party."

"We would, but a strange woman answered the door and knew nothing about the party."

"That's odd. Which house are you at?"

"The house we used to live in when we were married."

"Why did you go there?"

"Because Gerry said that was where the party would be."

"Hold on." Murmuring in the background. "Gerry just told me that she said the party was at my house."

"Yes, she did."

"Then what's the problem? I'm inside my house, and there is a double graduation party going on."

"The problem is that it isn't the house that I thought it was."

"Of course not. When Ingrid and I got married, we sold the old houses and bought a new one to live in."

"So where is your new house?"

"It's outside of Cherryville, up in the mountains. When my business took off, we bought a really nice 5,000-square-foot 6-bedroom place on about 5-acres about half-way up the mountain."

"But that's almost four-hours away. It will be late at night before we can get there."

"Sorry, but you should probably have planned a little better."

------------------------

Two years later:

[The Bitch is Back by Elton John Ringtone]

"Yes, mother?"

"Geraldine! What's this announcement in the newspaper about you getting married yesterday?"

"Well, that seems to be a bit self-explanatory."

"What do you mean?"

"You asked about a wedding announcement you apparently just read in the newspaper. That would mean that the newspaper announced a wedding. Since you specifically stated that it was an announcement about MY wedding, that would be an announcement that I got married yesterday. See? Self-explanatory."

"But I never even knew you were engaged, much less anything about the wedding."

"You mean that you never saw the invitation? I'm sure that we sent you one."

"No. I never saw anything."

"Hmmm. That explains why you never RSVP'd. We even set up a place for you at the head table as one of the Mothers-of-the-Bride. Everyone was disappointed that you never showed up. As far as knowing about my engagement, we announced it at the Graduation party for Jeff and Emily."

"But, I missed out on all the planning, dress shopping, and everything that a mother is supposed to do for her daughter."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Ingrid took care of everything. She's been a great help."

"But that was supposed to have been me."

"I'll tell you what, I'll mention it to Emily and Mary. Maybe when they get married, they will let you help. You are, after all, married to their scumbag sperm donor."

"When will you introduce me to your husband, then?"

"Uuuummmm, husband?"

"Yes. I really would like to meet this Sam that you married."

"Oh! [laughing] I understand your confusion. The announcement was for Gerry and Sam. Sam's parents were initially confused as well because Sam told them that my name was Gerry before I actually met them. Actually, HER name is Samantha, and she is my wife."

"YOU'RE GAY?????"

"Yes, I am very happy -- oh, you meant that as in am I a lesbian. Of course, I am. OH. Gotta go. They're calling for boarding. Got a plane to catch for the honeymoon. Bye."

------------------------------------

[RINGTONE]

"Hello Jennifer."

"Mom. I just saw in the newspaper that my daughter got married yesterday."

"Yes. It was a beautiful service. The reception was a blast too." (giggling in the background)

"YOU WERE THERE?"

"Of course. She is my granddaughter, you remember. (Shush. I'm talking to my idiot daughter. Whispered in the background.)

"Mom! Why didn't you tell me that she was getting married?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I was asked to not tell you anything, just like I haven't told you anything about your ex-family for the last few years. I want to continue to have a relationship with my grandchildren, so that means that I don't tell you anything about them. You screwed up, but I don't believe that I should pay for your stupidity. (No. Put that vibrator down. I'm warning yo........Oh God!)

"Mom? Is someone there with you?"

"Oh! Right there! Mmmmmm. Jen, I have to go. (Oh, you little minx. Just wait until I get my strap-on.) I'll talk to you later. Something is cumming,,,, I mean something just came up."

"Mom! What the fuck? Are you having sex with another woman right now?"

"OHHHH SHIIITTT! Well, it was a lesbian wedding, and Sam's aunt is gay, and we were both alone, and we were drinking, and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Sorry dear, but your mom is busy at the moment. I'll have her call you back in a few hours. She will be tied up in a, I mean FOR a bit."

[CLICK]

"Oh my God! What have we done?"

"What's that, Jen?"

"William, when was the last time you heard from your daughters?"

"Hmmmm. I think I called Mary a few months ago. I called Emily the day after that."

"Yes, but when was the last time they called you?"

"Let's see. I'm sure that it wasn't really that long ago. I know I called them to see if they could come over for Christmas, but they were already going to Ingrid's. I called them about Thanksgiving, but they already committed to being with Ingrid. I called them on their birthdays. You know what? I can't remember the last time either of them called me."

"I'll tell you the last time either of my kids called me. It was three days before I was served divorce papers. I just found out that my daughter got married yesterday. We never got an invitation to the wedding. I didn't even know she was engaged. Do you remember when Jeff and Emily graduated? We didn't get an invitation to that, either. I only found out about it by accident."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that our children have cut us out of their lives. They never contact us. They never see us. We have missed out on everything with them."

"Shit. You're right. I need to call them and see if I can fix that."

[Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under -- Ringtone]

"Yeeessssss?"

"Hi Mary, it's Daddy."

"Why are you calling me on my phone? I'm right here in the next room."

"What? What do you mean 'in the next room'? Are you renting an apartment next door?"

"Apartment? Next door? No. I'm in the livingroom -- OH. I see the problem. My bad. When you said you were daddy, I thought..... Never mind. To what to I owe the displeasure of your call."

"Uuuummmm, if you didn't think it was me, then who were you thinking your daddy is?"

"The real man who is married to mom, of course. Who else?"

"Ouch. OK, well that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"This should be interesting."

"I need to talk to both you and your sister, actually."

"Which one?"

"Huh?"

"Which sister? Ger or Em?"

"What?"

"You said that you also need to talk to my sister -- singular. I have two of them. Gerry and Emily. Which one do you need to talk to?"

"Mary, Emily is your sister. Gerry is your step-sister."

"Only steps in this family are on the staircase from the first floor to the second floor."

"OK. Whatever. I need to talk to you and Emily."

"You're in luck. She's sitting right beside me. John is here as well; in case you also want to talk to my brother too. I'll put the phone on speaker." [Speaker turned on]

"Yeah. OK. Jennifer is sitting beside me, so I'll put my phone on speaker as well. I think she also wants to talk to her son." [Speaker turned on]

"I don't understand."

"I said, she will also want to talk to John."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"I did. I said she wants to talk to her son."

"Yes. I heard that. Why do you need to put your phone on speaker for her to do that?"

"Because you said John is sitting right next to you, and Jen is sitting right next to me."

"What does that have to do with Jen talking to her son?"

Jen: "You're not making any sense. I need to talk to John. You said he was right next to you. Since you are all there, I can just talk to him now while your father talks to you and your sister."

Em: "This is getting confusing. Jen, do you want to talk to John, or to your son? As far as talking to any of us while we are talking to our father, why are you calling us if you just want us to talk to our dad? We can do that just by walking into the other room where he and mom are."

Jen: "You guys aren't making any sense. I need to talk to John, who is my son. And William needs to talk to both you, Mary, and you, Emily, who are his daughters."

John: "OK, I see the problem now. You and Billy-boy somehow still think that we are your children."

Will: "Of course you are."

Mary: "Correction; you WERE. You were our parents right up until you decided to cheat on mom and dad. At that point, you simply became Emily's and my sperm donor, and Gerry's and John's incubator. Now, we only have one mom and one dad. Mom is Ingrid, and Jeff is our dad."

Jen: "I don't understand. What do you mean?"

John: "It's very simple. Right after you two were kicked out, the four of us kids got together and decided that we simply did not want to have anything more to do with you two. Once mom and dad got engaged, we got together again and decided that Ingrid would become Gerry's and my mom, and dad would become Mary's and Emily's dad. We didn't need you two cheaters in our lives anymore. Before you start going off on mom and dad about any of that, they had nothing to do with our decision. They actually tried to talk us into keeping you two losers in our lives. We stopped all communication with the two of you, except when you called us or ran into us somewhere. You never received invitations to anything, graduations, birthdays, even Gerry's wedding. Just to be clear, you will not be invited to any other events in the future. You will never see Mary graduate from college. You will not attend our weddings when we decide to get married. Billy-boy will not walk Emily or Mary down the aisle. You will never see any children that the four of us might have. We are blocking you out of our lives. Just so you know, now that we have had this conversation, Emily and I have already blocked your numbers on our phones as we have been talking. I also sent a text to Gerry that this conversation already happened, and she will be blocking your numbers as soon as she reads my text. Mary will be blocking your numbers from this phone as soon as we hang up. Don't bother to try and contact us using a different phone, as we will hang up immediately and block that number as well."

Jen: "But, we still want to be part of your lives."

Emily: "Yeah, and we didn't want two cheaters as parents."

Mary: "OK. I'm done. We have other things to do, so I'm hanging up now. Goodbye, good luck, and GOOD RIDDANCE!"

[CLICK]

"Oh God. What have we done?" Jen and Will cried out in sterio.