I'm Not Who I Used to Be

I hadn't been paying attention to what time it was until I heard Mark's voice tell Kevin and I that he was going to meet our guests and that he would be back in no later than thirty minutes. It was then that I looked at my watch to see that it was five-thirty in the evening...

~~~~~~

HER

We landed at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) and to my wonderful surprise I saw Michael's cousin, and Dorothy's son, Mark Taylor with a knowing grin plastered across his face as he stood there, leaning against the limousine that had been waiting on the tarmac for us to arrive.

After he'd greeted his family members, he smiled at me and said, "Thank you for coming, Sarah. I know someone who's going to be very happy to see you."

"No; thank you Mark," I happily replied, giving him a very heartfelt hug, "But he's not going to be nearly as happy to see me as I'm going to be to see him." And then I looked at Mark and asked, "Seriously though, how has Michael been doing? Is he okay?"

"He will be now that you're here," he warmly told me, "And that's the God's honest truth, Sarah; I swear."

It was good to see that Mark was alright. His hair was a little longer and he somehow seemed like he was older now. Of course he was older chronologically; but the aging process I'm speaking of was emotionally, kind of like he'd seen things that he wouldn't have otherwise known about had the band not left when they did.

My main concern was Michael though, and after the look of peace that came over Mark at simply knowing that I was here to see his cousin, a spark of loving hope ignited itself within me, telling me that perhaps there was nothing for Michael to forgive me for and that just maybe he really did love me as I loved him...as I had always loved him. However, that which had lain in darkness for the almost past two years would soon come to light the moment I would once again be able to gaze into his beautifully deep, dark brown eyes...

~~~~~~

ME

The ribs were ready to put on the grill, the potatoes had all been individually wrapped in aluminum foil, ready to be baked in the oven; and the macaroni salad I'd made, using Mom's recipe; was finished and now in the big plastic Tupperware™ bowl which I'd put the self-sealing top on, lifting the tab to "burp" it, before I placed in the refrigerator to chill. After making sure that all of the dishes were out of the dishwasher and waiting in the cupboards, I finally relaxed and looked at my watch to see that I had just enough time to wash my hands and put on some nice clothes before our guests were due to arrive...

~~~~~~

When we first moved into the house that Ahmet had leased for us the four of us drew straws to see who would get the Master Bedroom, because of the fact that it had its own private bathroom, and luckily, I won. Of course Kevin, Lee, and Mark had all good naturedly ragged my ass about it for a little while, but because of the fact that we'd all been friends for so long by that time, it didn't last for more than a couple of days once we'd all settled into our new home for the time being.

Due to the house being quiet for a change, I couldn't help but think of my beautiful Sarah while I was alone in my room changing my clothes, and because of that I reminded myself to call her tomorrow if for any reason to simply say hello and see how she'd been after the two of us had not seen one another for so long. Little did I realize what, or should I say "who", would be in the front room of the house once I made my way out of my room?

~~~~~~

HER

The flight from Houston to Los Angeles took almost five hours. And as we drew closer to Malibu in the limo that Susan had lined up for us to take, I was growing as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

"Sarah," Susan's voice said, breaking me from the reverie I'd fallen into amidst all of the excited female chatter of Michael's family members in the limo, "Are you alright sweetie? You haven't said more than two words since we landed."

"Yes ma'am," I quietly replied, the atmosphere inside the limo suddenly going silent as all eyes were now upon me, "I guess I'm just a little nervous about seeing Michael again; especially after all this time."

"You have nothing to worry about, sweetheart," Susan gently smiled, taking my both of my hands into hers, "If I know anything about Michael, I know that he's going to be very happy to see you again, trust me."

"Are you sure?" I asked "I mean, I know that he cared very deeply for me at one time, but it's been almost two years since the last time I saw him; and I guess I'm just worried about whether or not those same feelings he had for me are still there," tears threatening to fall down my cheeks at any moment."

"I want you to listen to me, Sarah, and I want you to listen well," Susan softly began, "The men of this family are all a very special group of guys. The reason I say this is because these men are the kind of men, who, when they love, they love with not only their whole hearts, but also with every fiber of their being. Touch their hearts and there is nothing they won't do for you. But at the same time, hurt them, or anyone they love; and you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder."

"That's what I'm talking about," I worriedly replied, "I hurt Michael very deeply when he and I first met, not to mention the awful things I said to him during the first couple of years we attended college together."

"Do you remember what you told me this morning when you first came to the house?" Susan asked her, "Especially when you told me about Michael taking you to the hospital?"

"Yes, ma'am, I remember," I told her, "But which part are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about after my son laid you down onto the gurney they had waiting for you when you two pulled up at the front door of the Emergency Room," she continued, a warm knowing smile on her face, "Think about what you heard my son tell you when he thought you were unconscious," and after a momentary pause, Susan again asked me, "Do you remember?"

"He kissed me and told me that he loved me" I brightly smiled, the memory of that night now as clear in my mind as if it happened yesterday, "He also told me that he had to leave, because he figured that I would hate him worse than he thought I already did for him kissing me while I was unconscious."

"Now do you understand what I'm talking about?" Susan kindly reminded me, "He told you that he loved you Sarah, and I know my own son well enough to know that he still loves you and more than likely always will. The only thing that I see standing in the way of the two of you being together is your own fear."

"Mom's right, Sarah," Claire sweetly told me, "My brother needs you and I think that you need him, too; don't you?"

"I woke up in the hospital forty-eight hours later and found out that Michael had already gone," I quietly replied, holding my hand against my heart, "And even though I tried to get on with my life, I still felt like a part of me was missing."

"Well then," she mischievously giggled, "I think you're about to rediscover that part of you as soon as we get to Malibu. What do you think?"

"I think you might be right, Miss Claire," I smiled, a new confidence suddenly taking root within me, "All I have to worry about now is whether or not your brother feels the same way."

"Don't worry about him," Myra Gayle suddenly chimed in, "There are seven of us girls, and if needs be, he knows we'll kick his ass if he doesn't act right," her remark eliciting another cacophony of female laughter within the back of the limousine we were riding in..."

~~~~~~

ME

Chapter Five

Once everything had been taken care of and the food was ready to eat and/or cook I stepped out onto the back deck to get a breath of fresh air. That means that I neither heard nor did I see Mark pulling into the carport and I sure as hell didn't hear the limo that had been following him. I did, however, look at my wrist watch to see what time it was, and I began to wonder when our guests were going to arrive.

After filling my lungs with the Pacific air that was lightly blowing that evening, I decided to go back into the house and fix myself something to drink. Ahmet once told me that, as the lead singer of Odyssey, it would not do my voice any good if I consumed too much alcohol, hence the reason I developed a taste for cold, unsweet iced tea with lemon...

~~~~~~

The moment I stepped back into the house, one can only imagine the wonderful surprise I felt when I saw not only my mother and her sister, Aunt Dorothy, but also my Aunt Trish as well as my sisters and my cousin, Lauren. However, I immediately noticed that they were acting very strangely, like they had a secret that they were trying to keep from me.

"Hi, baby," Mom warmly smiled, immediately throwing her arms around my neck, "It's so good to see you, son."

"Hi, Mom," I happily replied, very happy to see her just then, "Not that I'm complaining," and then I looked at Mark, who was standing there grinning like the Cheshire cat, "Are these the guests you were talking about?"

"Well, kind of," Mom slyly snickered, "We've got a big surprise for you, sweetie."

"A bigger surprise than seeing all of you?" I laughed, "What could possibly be better than this?"

And then I thought my heart was going to stop beating when, stepping from behind Aunt Trish, Sarah Caine came forward with tears in her eyes and softly said, "Hello Michael..."

~~~~~~

HER

The moment I saw the beautifully ornate and wondrously huge beach house that the limousine pulled up in front of, I knew right then that Odyssey had done better than I could've ever hoped for them. I had a brief few moments to talk to Mark about how Michael had been since I last saw him, and with a warm and gentle smile on his face, he told me in no uncertain terms how happy he was to see me there with the female members of his family.

He also told me how lost Michael been since leaving Houston, and the moment Michael saw me, Mark knew that everything was going to be better than just fine. The dream that he'd had for Odyssey would now be complete with me there to inspire Michael to fulfill the dream that Mark knew was his cousin's destiny. I only hoped that was true.

I still harbored the fear that the moment that Michael laid eyes on me he would be angry at me for the way I'd treated him in the past. However, after talking with the female members of his family on the ride from the airport to Malibu, my fears turned to misgivings, which, while not quite as bad as fear, still left me uneasy none-the-less...

~~~~~~

ME

I still don't remember which one of us made the first move what I do remember is that one minute Sarah was standing there with tears in her eyes the next minute she was in my arms with her head tucked into my chest, weeping like child who'd just lost its mother.

"You don't know how happy I am to see you, Sarah," I softly told her, pulling her far enough away from me so that I could look at her beautiful face, "I've really missed you more than you could ever imagine."

"I'm so sorry for the way I treated you back in college, Michael" she cried, "And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day."

"Aw, Sarah, sweetheart," I tenderly soothed her, "There's nothing to forgive, not ever. That was then and this is now. But, I do have one question for you and I would really appreciate it if you give me an honest answer."

"Okay, she lightly wept, "I'll tell you whatever you want to know...All you have to do is ask me."

"I know that you didn't come all the way out here just to apologize to me," I knowingly, yet softly told her, "The question I want to ask you is; why did you come out here?"

"You're going to think I've lost my mind when I tell you this," she began, "Back when you and I were freshmen in college, I thought you were the biggest nerd I'd ever seen, yet, it made me feel so uncomfortable when I would look into your beautifully deep, dark brown eyes."

"I'm sorry for staring at you and making you uncomfortable Sarah" I sheepishly replied, "But I thought you were the most beautifully stunning creature I'd ever seen; hell, I still do."

"Let me finish," she giggled, placing her soft index finger on my lips, "It aggravated the hell out of me when I couldn't figure out why I got jealous when I'd see you talking to other girls besides me," and then Sarah momentarily cast her eyes to the ground, but then when she looked back up at me again, I could clearly see what she was about to tell me when she continued, "Somewhere in the middle of it all I fell in love with you, Michael; and the night the you kicked Dennis Worley's ass for hurting me and then carried me to your car and took me to the hospital, I knew that I could never live without you...not ever."

She was about to say something else until I pulled her back into my arms and kissed her with all of the love I'd ever felt for any one human being in my whole life, not stopping until I heard a loud round of applause coming from not only the females in my family, but also from Mark and Kevin who were both standing there wearing shit eating grins on both of their faces...

~~~~~~

HER

Oh, my God, could that man kiss. Damn! The moment Michael's lips touched mine for the first time I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. I could literally feel the love he had for me from my head all the way down to my toes, not to mention the raptured fluttering of my heart. And in those first few and very precious moments I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'd found my true soul mate and that I'd also been forgiven for every obnoxious thing I'd ever said, thought about, and/or done to him. That same kiss also reaffirmed the fact that I now knew beyond reason that I could never live without him ever again, because we now belonged to one another...

~~~~~~

ME

I was thankful that Mom took up where I'd left off in the kitchen, because the only thing I could concentrate on was Sarah; my, oh, so beautiful Sarah. Of course I'd made it a point to greet Aunt Dorothy and Aunt Trish, both of whom teased me for being such a hard head where Sarah was concerned. But that was nothing in comparison to the way my sisters, Claire, and Myra Gayle, as well as my cousin, Lauren, all ragged my ass. Still though, it was meant in love which I openly welcomed, especially now that Sarah was there with me.

When we sat down to eat that night, I was told to ask the blessing which I gladly did. I had so many things to be thankful for and dinner that night felt more like a celebration and reaffirmation of life for me more than ever before. Mom later told me that she hadn't seen me that happy in many years, and it made her heart feel good. Mark told me that he'd not seen me smile like I was smiling since he and I were both little, which he said had done him a world of good...

~~~~~~

Ahmet had given us a copy of our album which was on tape because it hadn't been released on vinyl yet, so, I turned on the reel-to-reel player so the members of our family could hear what we'd recorded. Sarah sat beside me the whole time, not saying a single word. However, I could tell by the look on her beautiful face what she thought of our music.

And when the song, "If You Could Love Me Like I Love You" began to play, Sarah buried her strikingly stunning yet so very sad face into my shoulder and began to quietly weep like a newborn baby.

"Easy, Sarah," I tenderly soothed her, "It's alright now, okay?"

"Can we take a walk down the beach, Michael?" she softly asked me, "There are some things I need to tell you, please?"

"Of course we can" I smiled, gently taking her hand as I announced, "We'll be back later. Enjoy the music..."

~~~~~~

It was still light outside as Sarah and I strolled down the beach hand in hand. The sun was about thirty minutes from sinking into the Pacific Ocean and the stunning hues of orange and yellow shone off of her breathtaking countenance, making me feel so much love for Sarah just then. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I could tell that she was having a little difficulty starting the conversation, so; I gave her a gentle push.

"What's wrong, Sarah," I softly asked her, "And why did you start crying a few moments ago?"

"I don't really know how to say what I'm about to tell you, Michael," she sadly sniffled, laying her head on my shoulder, "So I'm just going to say it...The reason I got so upset back there was because of the song that was playing."

"I hope you liked it," I told her, "I wrote it about you ya know."

"I know," she sniffled, "And the first time I heard that song was when it aired on the radio as I was driving home from work yesterday. It upset me so badly that I had to pull my car over to keep from causing an accident."

"I'm so sorry," I told her, "Sarah, I hope you know that I wouldn't knowingly, or intentionally hurt you in any way, or for any reason whatsoever."

"Of course I know," she softly replied, a tender smile on her face, "But the reason I got so upset is because when I heard that song playing, it suddenly dawned on me that I was in love with you, Michael; and I have been for a very long time now, and I can only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me not only taking so long to admit it to myself, but also for the terrible way I treated you when we were in college."

I stopped walking and gently made her turn to stand face-to-face in front of me and told her, "How can I ever expect to be forgiven if I don't have any forgiveness for others? I know that I wasn't handsome when we were younger, but then when Odyssey started playing clubs and bars, Mark pointed out that, as the band's front man, I was going to have to change my looks."

"But Michael, you..." she started to say.

"Please let me finish, Sarah," I gently interrupted her, with a knowing smile, "Mark was right. I knew that if we were ever going to be taken seriously, then I had to change the way I looked. I got contact lenses and started spending long hours in the weight room working out. Hell, Mark even taught me how to defend myself, and helped me earn my Black Belt along the way. Besides, I figured that if I looked good enough, I might even win your love in the process."

"You did that even before you changed your looks, Michael," she quietly replied, her sad eyes looking downward.

"Why didn't you ever tell me, Sarah?" I asked her, "I wouldn't have let anyone pick on you for any reason; I swear."

"Because I was a stupid, arrogant, spoiled little girl, Michael," she began to sob, "Please believe me when I tell you that I'm not like that anymore...I'm Not Who I Used To Be," and then she fell into my arms as silent tears rolled down her beautiful cheeks.

"I believe you, baby," I tenderly replied, holding her tightly against me, "You wouldn't be here otherwise...and besides, my Mom is a great judge of character and has always been able to smell bullshit a mile away. Besides, she believes you, so, why wouldn't I?"

~~~~~~

HER

I never knew that a man like Michael could ever exist until that afternoon when we walked down the beach together. Every other guy I'd ever been with only wanted one thing from me and that was to get into my panties, but Michael hadn't even so much as hinted at that. The only thing he had to tell me was how much he loved and cared for me, and that was enough for now.

Make no mistake, I wanted him now more than I'd ever wanted any man, but something told me that I would benefit far beyond my wildest dreams and fantasies if I let him be the one to make the first move. All I knew was that I'd been forgiven for the things I'd done, and that was enough for the time being. And as he held me in his arms, I realized that the only true comfort I'd ever felt would always be right where I currently was...and that was more than enough for me...