If Only

He couldn't look at me now. Just stared ahead.

"Is Julie still at yours then?"

"No son, that's what I was building up to. She's in prison. On remand."

Just when I thought I'd had all my shocking surprises, here was one more. When she realised finally that Jerry had lied to her. Manipulated her. Seduced her with his lies. Realised that she'd lost you. She stabbed him."

"She killed him."

"No, he's survived. He wasn't long out of hospital after that tangle with her mother. Weak as he was, he survived. She did it with intent son. She took that knife to hurt him. Attempted murder they're saying. She could be looking at 20 years, son."

My father- in-law broke down in tears at that point. Julie had certainly had some tears shed over her.

I did go and see her once early on, before her trial. Just to say goodbye really. I'd wanted to know why and I already knew that. I just couldn't understand how she could believe that of me. Why would she trust the word of that sleaze rather than her own husband?

Once she'd stopped sobbing, she told me basically the same as her father told me. The whole sorry tale was punctuated with 'sorry' and 'how much she loved me'. It was all a bit late for that now, wasn't it?

One thing I did learn, which Julie seemed to think was important was that it was the first and only time that she had slept with him. That she'd given in. She admitted that she'd done it out of spite. In our bed, to punish me. Jerry had said that was the best revenge that I was only taking her to the hotel out of guilt. That night she had planned to tell me that she knew all about my affair with Claire and about her revenge with Jerry."

"Were you planning me to tell me how much you enjoyed it, too? According to your mother you were really getting into it."

"It wasn't like that, really. Even at the last minute, I nearly didn't go through with it. I knew it would make me as bad as I thought you were, but Jerry had got under my skin by then. I still had this little voice of doubt in my head though."

"Oh Julie," I said as I stood to leave "If only you had listened to that doubt. If only."

"Good God, Dad" said Natalie after hearing the briefer version of the story, "How long did she get?"

"Well she served 15 years. It should have been longer really as she'd planned it, you see? Taken the knife to do the job. She behaved herself you see in prison and got out early. You were 8 by then and Mum and I had already been married 12 years. I'd moved on so well with your Mum's love and support. I'd been so mortified by the trial and publicity. I was completely humiliated. Everyone knew and seemed to be talking about it, talking about us, talking about me."

I paused and smiled reassuringly at my daughter.

"I really should go and thank Julie, you know. Although I was devastated at the time. If Julie hadn't done what she'd done, I would never have met your Mum. Never had all that happiness. More importantly, there would never have been you and little Noah here. I've a lot to thank her for."

When I looked over, Julie was long gone. Even the edited version I told Natalie was a long story to tell, I suppose.

Just after the trial my Nan had died and I used the money she left me to move away and start again. That's when I met my lovely Jane. I really should be sharing the story of her. All these words are wasted on Julie, I should be writing about Jane she would be worth every word.

Natalie looked over at me.

"Don't be mad Dad, I hate what she did to you and how much she hurt you, but I do feel a bit sorry for Julie. She lost you. That would be a big loss for anyone. She was manipulated, groomed really by that horrible man and she was little more than a kid."

"I know what you're saying Nat, I really do. You're looking at it through the eyes of today's world. We are talking thirty years ago. Predator's got away with things. Trust me. Unfortunately, the sympathy of the courts did not extend to seeing her as a victim.

The truth is as young as she was, she wasn't a child and she was a married woman with a husband who loved her. Only her. As a broken hearted young man, I didn't have a lot of sympathy for her, either. She had crushed me. I wanted her punished, I wanted her to hurt. Despite that, even I thought that she was treated harshly, but she was guilty.

She may have been a victim of Jerry's manipulation but she made him her victim when she went after him. Two wrongs really don't make a right and that is the whole point of the story really. If she had truly thought I was being unfaithful to her, why would she think that doing the same was going to help in any way? She didn't trust me and that was the important thing. She didn't believe in my love for her. As young as we were, she should have trusted that."

"What happened to Jerry? Apart from a few injuries, he seemed to get away with it all. That doesn't seem right."

"He didn't get away with it entirely. His reputation was ruined. He was publicly denounced in the press. Normally accompanied by pictures of the young happy married couple on their wedding day that he had torn apart. He didn't have much luck after that. He was fired by the estate agents for bringing them into disrepute. It turns out that not all publicity is good publicity.

Things got even worse for him when he was attacked again. This time by an unknown assailant. They never did find out who did it. Let's just say that that attack meant he would never be able to bed any woman again. We'll leave it there. That happened about a year after Julie's trial."

"I know it wasn't you Dad, but I think you know who it night have been."

"No, I don't know for sure, but I have a theory. I do know that Julie's Dad was devastated by what had occurred. Pam was never the same again. She had gone from this strong, fun loving lady to just a mere shadow of herself. He was bitter about that and the ruined life of his daughter. I also think that he had a lot of the tools in his garage could have done a lot of damage.

I'm happy if it was Dave. I'm even happier that whoever it was got away with it. They moved away as well eventually. We didn't keep in touch, what would be the point? I hope they found some peace."

A few days later, Julie approached Natalie as she was feeding the ducks with Noah.

"I don't know if you know who I am?"

"I do, my Dad told me all about it the other day after spotting you. It was all a bit of a shock, to be honest. He had never told me any of it before. He looked for you afterwards, you know. He wanted to say thank you."

"To thank me?" said Julie.

"Yes, thank you for setting him free to meet my Mum. He loved her so very much."

"Well then, she was the luckiest woman. To have both him and you."

She smiled down at Noah.

"I'm so sorry she never got to meet this little one. He's adorable."

"Thank you, it does make me sad, but I like to think she's still around."

"I'm sure she is. I really do."

She paused to break up the bread that Natalie had passed her.

"I was such a stupid fool back then. So very stupid. Please tell your Dad, I'm sorry if seeing me unsettled him. It wasn't intentional, I'm just visiting friends nearby. I think I was as shocked as he was when I saw him. He's still so handsome. Please tell him I still love him, always have, always will. Tell him to be happy, I think both his wives would want that for him."

We haven't seen Julie since. If you were thinking there would be some grand reconciliation in our 50's you were barking up the wrong tree. For now, I'm content to have the memories of my lovely Jane. Maybe in time, I can open my heart again. Right now, I'll love my daughter, my grandson and yes, even my son-in-law (but don't ever tell him).

No, getting back with Julie would never be on the cards for me. As my lovely old Nan would have said,

"I don't boil my cabbages twice."