February Sucks - Another Version

Kim looked up at me after she finished Linda's letter.

"What do you think", I asked her

She looked back at me and said, "What a load of crap! She's should be writing a Loraine Heath or a Nora Roberts romance novel. She has no association with an adult married woman and mother. She is off in la-la landed somewhere."

"What bothers me most of all," I replied, "was that she has never been regretful of her affair with the Asshole. She has only expressed regret at hurting me. She still relishes her time with the Asshole and keeps it as a special memory and experience rather than as a catastrophic event that ruined our relationship."

"Kim responded, "I can see why you want to distance yourself from her. And I know that it hurts you to be away from Emma and Tommy at the same time."

"There must be an answer somewhere," I opined out loud. "I just haven't found it yet."

I actually enjoyed my time in Fort Lauderdale. I went sailing with Kim and several of her friends a number of times. I also attended several events at Kim's yacht club: one of them being a black-tie dinner-dance. I was very popular with a few older women who found out I was a reasonably good swing dancer. I was surprised to find that my long hair and beard were attractive features to some women.

Between Joanne, my phycologist, and a few long nights sailing on the Caribbean, I found the answer that suited me. It wasn't perfect, but it was workable. And it was sad.

Somewhere, while on lone watch during a star-filled night on a yawl as a crewman, I realized that the marriage I had with Linda was over. She was lost to me just as if she had died. My marriage was in the past. I felt like I was a widower. I cherished the first ten years of my marriage but I mourned its end. And, just as a widower, I grieved for what I had lost, but at the same time, realized I had to go on for the sake of my children.

With that frame of mind, I could face the future.

Kim thought I was in danger of becoming too comfortable in my existence in Fort Lauderdale and surprised me one day. "Brother," she said, "you are too close to being ready to abandon your former life for your present circumstances here and that is not a good thing. You have problems at home and you have to face them.

"Before your return to your family, however, I have a gift for you. I have purchased a ten-day Caribbean cruise for you on the Star of the Ocean. You leave in three days. After that, I expect you to go home and deal with your devils.

"Oh, and by the way, this voyage of the Star of the Ocean is a singles cruise"

I knew Kim was right. I had to go home. I was almost ready.

I was standing in line, ready to board the Star of the Ocean, when a nice-looking lady approached me. She said, "I have been watching you for a few minutes and it seems as though you are alone. I am alone, too. Perhaps we could keep each other company for the first day of the voyage and have dinner together, rather than fail around without knowing anybody."

I smiled and said, "Thank you, that would be great. I am alone and I would more than appreciate spending the first few hours of our voyage with you."

Over the next few hours and into dinner, I learned that Roxanne, Roxy, had been a care-taker for her husband for several years prior to his death. Now that he was gone, she wanted to venture out into the world again and learn to live the life that she had given up for her beloved husband.

Over dinner, and later drinks; she learned most of my story, too. We were two lost souls in many ways. We slept together that night. I know I gave her the intimate experience that she had been missing for several years and she gave me the confidence that I could more than satisfy a woman's need for sexual fulfillment.

I thought seriously about the fact that I had bedded a woman outside my marriage, even though Linda had trashed our bonds of faithfulness first. I felt I owed her no loyalty or fidelity since the night she betrayed me for the Asshole.

Roxy and I stayed together the next day and went to the formal ship's dinner that second night. There, at our assigned table, we met Bill and Mary Blackwell. They were a delightful couple. Bill was a lawyer in a big-time New York law firm. He specialized in intellectual property. Mary was a paralegal at another prestigious law firm.

Bill and Mary were a cute couple. Bill was a good-looking man just under six feet tall and slender. Additionally, he was a smooth talker and spent a large part of the evening dancing with Roxy and snowing her with compliments. I knew he wanted to pair up with her. Meanwhile, Mary had come on to me. I wasn't at all upset with Bill for wanting Roxy and knowing Roxy's story, thought Bill would be a good bedtime companion for her.

Mary re-enforced my perception. She told me quietly while we were dancing that Bill was an excellent lover and would treat her well. Mary pressed her body close to mine and whispered in my ear that she was now available for overnight companionship. I didn't object at all because Mary was a great-looking woman, too. She was about five foot five inches tall with a very curvy body. She had a beautiful form-fitting cocktail dress on that showed off all of her curves. It was purposely low cut to reveal a fair amount of her full breasts.

Over the short time that Roxy and I had dinner with Bill and Mary, we became friends. We talked openly about why we were each on the cruise. Mary finally told us what Roxy and I had been wondering: why was a married couple on a singles cruise? They explained that they took this cruise once a year and while they were on it, they were swingers. They could each sleep with other people. When they returned to their home and children, they were monogamous.

Later in the evening, while we were dancing and drinking in the lounge, Roxy told me that Bill had suggested they spend the night together in Bill and Mary's stateroom. I told her that I thought that would be good for her. Bill seemed like a nice guy. She kissed me affectionately, hugged me and disappeared onto the dance floor to find Bill. Soon thereafter, Mary appeared by my side and took my arm. I led her back to my stateroom.

Roxy met me late the next day soon after I had dressed for dinner. With her were two attractive ladies who were introduced as Ellen and Irene Lockhart. Roxy said they had become friends during a tour they had at whatever island we were visiting that day. After exchanging stories, Ellen and Irene were anxious to meet me.

We all had dinner together and then went to the lounge for drinks and dancing. Ellen monopolized me immediately and I wasn't certain why. Finally, in a private moment together, she told me what was on her mind.

It seems that her baby sister, Irene, had married very young and it turned out to be a bad marriage, very bad. Over the four years that she was married, her husband gradually became very abusive toward her. First it was emotional abuse but it gradually turned physical -- including rape. Ellen finally found out what was happening to Irene and rescued her from her husband, taking Irene from her home in rural Washington to live with her on the East Coast. She also guided Irene through her divorce, which became final a few weeks before. Now, as big sister, she wanted Irene to experience the beauty and joy of sex again and chose the singles cruise as the way to do that.

"Where do I come in?" I asked.

She answered, "I learned from Roxy that you are a very good lover, very gentle and very caring of your partner. That's what I want Irene to experience."

"What are you?" I asked Ellen. "Are you some sort of sex therapist?"

"You would be surprised," she answered without explaining further.

"So, will you do it? Irene is a beautiful woman and I know that in the last few hours since we have met you that she likes you. And I know that you will like her, too."

"I already like her," I said. "I like both of you. But I am curious about what you are doing on this cruise, other than looking out for your sister's well-being."

Ellen laughed and responded, "I'm enjoying a relaxing vacation in the sun, and that's all. In fact, I'm taking a break from sex. I'm here to bond with my sister and try to help her get over her distorted view of men and sex."

"I'll tell you what, Ellen. I like Irene very much and if she feels similarly, it would be my honor to sleep with her. I think I need the same type of TLC."

As it turned out, Irene and I became very close over the next few days. We were entirely happy with each other and I don't think either of us wanted to change bed partners again.

However, my romance with Irene was interrupted by none other than Ellen. She arranged to have lunch with me on the seventh day of the voyage. She explained that it was obvious to everyone in our circle that Irene and I were developing feelings for each other—and that was not good—for either of us. Irene, she explained, needed to see more of life than my stateroom. She had to experience much more than just the first man she had that had bedded her since her divorce. And, she reminded me, I still had obligations back home and I wasn't free, at the present time, to form close emotional relationships.

Ellen's cool analysis of my state of being brought me back to reality. In a few days, I had to return home and deal with my wife and my marriage. I agreed with Ellen that I would back off my relationship with Irene for our mutual benefit, even though it was difficult to do. The one thing I learned, however, was that it was possible for me to care for someone else other than my wife. Equally, it was assuring that another woman could care for me, as well.

Mary recognized the fact that I was subdued and a little depressed over the breakup of my brief but emotional affair with Irene. Since Bill had made arrangements to sleep an attractive divorcee he had met sometime during the last few days, Mary suggested that she and I should keep each other company, and we did.

Our circle of friends was not limited to just those met and slept with. Rather, I made many acquaintances with both other men and women and couples. I enjoyed the friendship of one couple in particular, Walter and Wendy Stocker. They were an older couple, perhaps around fifty-five or so. Walt was still a dashing figure with a slim build, a full head of white hair and a trimmed white mustache. Mary was also well-kept for her age. Similarly, she had white hair but platinum white. She was still a beautiful woman with a nice figure, even in her fifties.

Walt was a financier in Boston. What sparked a friendship between us was the fact that he was a former yachtsman. Although he had long retired from sailing, he still had a 32-foot sloop that had been in storage for years. He had hoped his sons would take an interest in sailing and use the boat but, after college, they had gone their separate ways and their lives had no room for a sailing life style. We talked about taking his boat out of storage and moving it to a marina in Fort Lauderdale where he could arrange a leaseback with a boat rental company. We didn't have time to get into details but made promises to get together sometime after the cruise to discuss it in more detail.

The last day of the cruise was very melancholy. Most of us who had made friends with each other over the previous week and a half were together for dinner. We laughed at the fact that in the space of a few short days, we had more entanglements than Days of our Lives, The Young and The Restless and The Bold and the Beautiful had in a year of soap opera plots.

At the end of the cruise, I returned to Kim's home to pack my things. I also made a few long-distance arrangements before I left for home.

All the time that I had been away, I kept my kids informed of where I was and what I was doing, with the obvious deletion of the relationships I formed on the cruise. I told them I was going to have a big surprise for them. They were all over themselves to guess what it was.

I purposely made arrangements to arrive on Saturday about noon. I wanted to see the kids when they were out of school and we had time to reunite.

I drove into the driveway at the stroke of twelve noon in my new Nissan Murano pulling a trailer that held an Alfa Street 25-foot electric boat. The kids were out of the door before I cut the engine. As soon as I got out of the car, they were all over me and I hugged them to me and cried.

They wanted to know all about the boat as soon as we separated. I explained that we are going to have lots of fun on the many rivers, bays and lakes that surround our area. We will be able to swim off the boat, fish, camp and enjoy the great outdoors. When they looked into the back of the Murano, they saw all sorts of tents, sleeping bags, cooking gear and even a portable fire pit. It is an understatement to say they were excited.

When the excitement started to wear off, I looked to the porch and saw Linda standing there observing all the yelling and hugging. I waved to her and she waved back.

When I walked into the house, I gave Linda a big kiss and hug in front of the kids. This was the first of my actions to make my children believe we still had a happy home. Linda, I believe, thought she had been forgiven.

Once inside the house, I was told that Linda and the kids had prepared a lunch for everyone on the patio. I started to relax with Tommy sitting in my lap and Emma serving me sandwiches and soft drinks. Linda sat across from me and said I looked good—different with my long hair and beard—but good. I said she looked good, too, and she did.

We talked long into the afternoon and evening. I unhooked the boat from the car and moved it to the side of the house. I took time to unpack my car and move my things back into the master bedroom. That seemed to make Linda feel good.

For dinner, we ordered pizza and, as a family, watched Frozen for the umpty-umpth time. The kids, and Linda, were anxious to learn about my cruise. I told them I met some really nice people and we had become friends. I told them about the ship and the islands we visited and the old forts and castles I had seen. By that time, the kids were ready for bed. Linda and I tucked them in and kissed them goodnight.

On the way down the stairs to the family room, Linda asked, "What kind of friends did you make on that cruise? Were there lots of single women? Did you sleep with any of them?"

All I would tell her was, "I met some very nice people and I had a great time. That's all you need to know."

Once we returned to the family room, Linda sat in the sofa and expected me to sit next to her. I didn't. I sat in the matching easy chair facing her. I said, "We have to talk."

"I know we do, darling," she said. "I'm so happy you are home and I'm so happy you are ready to move on with our lives as man and wife and as a family. I want nothing more than to be your loving wife forever and ever."

"Not so fast," I countered. "Before I left, you wanted me to do whatever I had to do to get over the fact that you fucked another man: make whatever adjustments I had to in order to learn to live with it."

Linda was surprised by my lack of politeness.

"Well, I finally came to a compromise that would permit me to continue to live with you.

"Ever since I left, I had what I thought was one of two choices. Either I divorce you and live without my children or live with you and accept the fact that I'm a cuckold and hope that my children never found out.

"Divorce?" Linda said as if it was a course of action that she never considered.

"Just listen to me, Linda," I said forcefully.

"On a starry night in the middle of the Caribbean, I found a solution I could live with. I realized that the woman I had been married to up until February 29^th was lost to me. I had had an ideal marriage up to that point. Since that date, she was no more, just as if she had fallen overboard and drowned. Similarly, my marriage was at an end. I felt like a widower. And I grieved for the loss of my beautiful wife and I mourned for the end of my marriage."

"But I'm your wife," Linda asserted. "I'm alive and we are together."

I continued. "No, the beautiful, faithful wife I had is dead to me. I don't love the Linda that presented herself to me on the 1^st of March. The woman I live with now is no more than a housekeeper, maid, chauffer and cook in the house. I will always be friendly, polite and courteous to her. And, in front of the children and family and friends, I will always appear to be affectionate and loving. But that is only for the sake of my children.

"Are you going to sleep with me?" Linda asked now beginning to feel the estrangement I was generating.

"Yes, we will sleep together in the same bed. And I have no doubt we will have sex, but it won't be the love we had before. I will look at it as sleeping with the au pair. At best, we will be friends with benefits. You have a wonderful body and you have always been able to turn me on. I hope I will still be able to satisfy you from time to time although I don't believe I will be able to take the place of the Asshole when it comes matching your ultimate coupling, but I will do what I can.

"However, if you ever want to have another one-night stand or take a lover, I will not stand in your way. I don't care, anymore. If you do want an extramarital affair, I will make it easy for you by distracting the kids. I just ask that you keep it discreet for the sake of our families. And, of course, I will avail myself of the same option."

"I will never want another man," Linda earnestly stated. "I will be yours, just yours, forever."

"Well, we remember how well that went on the 29^th of February, don't we?"

Linda was sobbing. "I can't believe you feel this way. I know I hurt you deeply by what I did, but I didn't think it would affect you so profoundly. Can't we just move on and forget that night?"

"No!" I said forcefully. "I cannot forget and I will not forgive you, ever!"

I went on. "You should know that I am going to be a happy man. I am not going to go through life depressed and emotionally injured. I am going to enjoy my family, my children, my friends and my job. You will not find me a morose and sullen victim of your adultery.

"Further, you should know that in fourteen years, the day after we drop Tommy off at college; I will start divorce proceedings against you. I will be only forty-five years old. That is young enough to start a new life and even find my real soulmate."

"But I'm your soulmate," Linda cried.

"I thought so, too, until the last day of February. Now, I know that isn't so. However, I have learned enough to know that I can be attractive to other women and I can be loved by other women. And, most importantly, I can love other women."

I went on. "If you cannot live with those conditions, you can divorce me. If you do so, you should know that I will be the most active, attentive, engaging single dad ever. I can live with that, as much as I would miss my kids on a daily basis. So, decide what you want to do."

Linda didn't hesitate. "I want you here with me. I don't believe that you don't love me anymore. Even if you think you don't, I will prove you wrong. I will be the best wife you could ever hope for. I will make you forget what happened."

"Good luck," was my final word on the matter that night.

We went to bed and we had sex. Linda seemed desperate to make our lives normal again. I just fucked her and I think she knew it.

Over the next few months, the family settled into a semblance of aa happy family. Emma and Tommy were very happy to have me home and showed me how much I was appreciated every day and night we had together. Linda noted that I doted on my children. At the same time, she was officious at being a loving wife. I think she believed I was going to return to her emotionally.