Edited Out

'You know it's not going to be as simple as that. I'm likely to be suspicious of anything you do. Do you think you can cope with that?'

'I don't know, but I want to try. I want a chance to win you back. You need someone to love you. I want to be that someone, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you love me again.'

'That's my problem: I never stopped loving you. There have been times when I wished that I could. Then there are the children, I'll do whatever it takes to avoid hurting them. As I said before, I've got some thinking to do.'

*****

That was two days ago, and he hasn't asked me to leave. In front of the children, we kept up the pretence of normality, at least I think it was a pretence. I know I'm walking on eggshells frightened that I will do or say something that will make him want me to leave.

'Is this the way it's going to be from now on? I asked myself. 'If it is I'm not sure we can make it.' Nothing prepares you for sharing the house with the one you love when that person is keeping you at arm's length. It was so easy to start my affair with Mark, but it's so much harder to repair the damage it did.

Tonight I tried a new tack. I put my face on, making sure I looked my very best. I let my hair down and brushed it until it shone. Completely naked I applied a little rouge to my areola. At the other end of the passage, Harry was lying in bed, reading. Once everything was perfect, I slipped on my high-heeled shoes and my dressing gown and walked down the passage. I stepped into Harry's room and let the robe fall to the floor. I stood before him totally naked and feeling vulnerable. He looked up from his book and his gaze took in every detail of the sight before him.

'Did you look like that for him?' he asked.

Tears welled in my eyes and I fought the urge to cry as I realised that he would be asking himself questions like that for a long time.

'No Harry, I never paraded naked before him, I never needed to. I'm sorry this was a mistake.'

I bent to pick up the robe.

'No don't do that. If you came here to parade before me then that's what you should do.'

I felt the colour come to my cheeks as I looked into his eyes and realised that he really meant it. Shakily at first but then more confidently I turned and walked away from the bed. I reached the wall turned, dropped my right hip and brought my hand up to rest on my hip. I looked into his eyes and started walking back. At the other end of the room, I stopped, turned to face him, dropped my other hip and adopted the same stance as before.

'Very impressive, no one would ever believe you were the mother of two...So what happens now?'

'I don't know, Harry, I know what I want to happen but what actually happens is up to you.'

'And what do you want to happen?'

'My hope was that you would pull back the covers and invite me to join you. We don't have to make love, just spending time in your arms will be a good start.'

So here I am my shoulder nestling under his arm, my hand resting on his chest feeling it rise and fall as he sleeps. We didn't make love. Harry said he wasn't in the mood but I can see I still excite him. Maybe I'll be able to wake him in my own special way tomorrow. I think it was Joni Mitchell who sang "you don't know what you've got till it's gone." She was right. I know what I had. I found out when I almost lost it. If it takes the rest of my life I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it back.