Deep Talks (With Anal)

Just me and Xander having a not-date. Just the two of us. Talking, smiling, laughing. Me being cared about in a way I could never imagine getting from anyone else.

The hard part was knowing how much harder this was going to make any attempt at getting over him. It felt like that was never happening at this rate.

****

"That's amazing," Lily said.

"You think?"

"Yeah! It's like... jeez, I don't know. Like your hero came to your rescue or some shit. I don't know. It's all romantic and stuff."

"It's not, really. He was in the middle of... he was with his girlfriend."

"Well see? That's even better. He chose you."

"Nah. He thought I really needed him."

"You did."

"No. I mean, yeah, kinda. But I woulda been fine."

Lily tapped my shoulder with her fist. "Stop being a bummer and just enjoy it."

I smiled cautiously. "It was so super nice," I admitted.

"There, see?"

"Like, I don't know, I just have this feeling like Xan will always be there when I need him. And he was."

"Right? Sweet. Romantic. Etc."

"And, like, having all his attention. Even if it was for something shitty. That's all I want, really. I just want to always feel like that. Or as much as possible. Like I'm all that matters to him."

"You're so far gone for him, you know that?"

"I am aware, thanks. It's been a struggle."

"It's cute though."

"Ha. Just imagine if he actually felt the same about me and... and stuff... happened."

"Sex?"

"Yeah."

"I dunno. It'd be kinda hot, I guess."

"He's my brother!"

"I know. You're the one with a crush on him. Don't be judging me."

"I'm not. But, like... do you actually think it'd be hot?"

"Kinda, yeah. Brother and sister? Yeah."

I blushed. "That kinda does it for me too," I admitted quietly.

"Well no shit. Obviously with you it would."

"Not so obvious. Not much does it for me."

"Dude, out of everyone I know, you'd be the obvious choice to be into that kink just generally. And at least a few people I know gotta be into it. It's big these days."

"Yeah, really though. You, uh, you have any favourite stuff online?"

Lily grinned. "Porn?"

"Yeah. Maybe. Or... stories?"

"Ooh, stories, huh?"

"I like some plot and romance and stuff, ok? Porn doesn't always do it right. Actually it never does."

"Mmhm. Alright. My secret little kinkster, huh? We got a connoisseur here."

"I don't know about that."

"You know exactly what you're looking for, don't ya? You probably think most stuff's trash, and you only go for real quality."

"What's wrong with that? No ones wants trash."

"When it comes to sex and romance and shit? Yeah, sometimes they do, actually. I know sometimes I just want something hot and dirty."

I shook my head. "No way. Gotta be done right. Hot and dirty's a waste if it's not set up well."

"Mmhm. Connoisseur. Or snob, maybe. Incest porn snob. Now there's something I never thought I'd see."

"Oh shush."

Lily just grinned. "Hey, wanna watch some stuff with me sometime? You can show me some of your favs."

"What, together?"

"If you're cool with it. You could just send me links or something if you want."

"I can't... that's..." I screwed up my face. "No one watches porn together. That's not what it's for."

"It's fun. You should try it."

"You've done it?"

"Yep. Well, only with a girlfriend. But I liked it when we did it."

"It'd be weird for us."

"Why? I already know what you're into."

"No but like..." I felt myself blushing red enough that Lily had to notice. "Like... we couldn't... get off together."

Lily laughed. I felt embarrassed for a moment, but it wasn't that kind of laugh. It wasn't teasing. Or at least, it mainly wasn't.

"Oh, Kase. Sure we can if we want. But nah, we don't have to watch it like that. We can just watch it. Just have fun. If you want to."

"Oh. Well... maybe."

"I'll take a maybe."

****

The memory of my rescue stuck with me longer than it did with Xander or Lily, or anyone else who might know, I assumed. I thought about orchestrating another scenario somehow, another occasion where he could come save me and care about me and make me feel special the way I so desperately wanted. It was a bad idea for several reasons, and I gave up on it.

I did other stuff, hoping it would have an effect. I made sure to wear my hair the way Xander liked, and I dressed skimpier around him when I could. Sometimes as daring as a cami and panties, leaving legs, midriff, and cleavage all well on display, as well as my panty-covered butt if he wanted to look.

He did look at times, I thought. Not quite the way I wanted, but at least somewhat appreciatively, perhaps.

Mom and Dad weren't thrilled, but whatever. Mom at least was supportive, seemingly understanding some of what I was going through. I did catch her frowning at times when I was too underdressed, same as Dad did.

Xander never minded how little I wore, but it was frustrating not to know for sure if he liked it.

"You know what's weird?" Xander asked while we were hanging out in his room.

"No. Tell me."

"You might actually be the girl who dresses sexy around me the most."

A small, thrilling surge of victory hit me inside. I tried not to smile like a total lunatic. "You think I look sexy?"

"Well obviously. A lack of clothing is, like, a pretty good bet. And you're pulling it off these days."

I looked down at myself. Cami and short shorts today. And Xander fucking liked it!

"Thanks."

"Honestly, Kase, if you ever find the right guy, he's gonna be super lucky."

I nodded and toyed nervously with the braid I'd put in my hair. The one I wore most days now, just for Xander.

"I think... I think it still wouldn't work on 'the right guy'."

"I can't see why not."

"Well... it hasn't yet."

"Oh?" Xander's eyebrows went up. "Are you telling me there's someone you haven't told me about? How long?"

"Long."

"What? Hm. You're gonna have to give me a hint. But, like, why haven't you gone after him instead of these other guys you've been with?"

"Couldn't."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated."

"Oh." Xander shrugged. "Well you don't have to tell me. But you can."

"You wouldn't like it."

"Try me."

"You wouldn't!"

"I said try me."

My heart pounded. He was forcing me. It took discipline to never tell him the truth. If he pushed, how was I supposed to hold it back.

"You can't get mad."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Kase, it's me."

I nodded. That was enough. Xander. My big brother. He wouldn't be mad. But he'd reject me. I knew he would. He didn't know what he was leading me into, but he'd gone and done it now.

"Yeah," I said. "It's you."

"Right. So who is it?"

"You."

"No, who's the guy?"

"You."

"Kase?"

"Dammit, Xan, it's you. It's always been you."

Xander took a long time to process. I could see him working through it. See it in his eyes.

"Me?"

"You."

"That doesn't make any sense."

I laughed weakly. "Sure it does."

"But... it's not 'cause of, like, that stuff you're into, is it? The porn? Because-"

"I'm into the porn because of you," I said softly. "Not vice versa."

"Oh. What? Oh. Oh Kase."

"Yeah." I sighed. "Sad, huh?"

"It's... something."

"So go on."

"Go on what?"

"Tell me what you think."

"I don't know what to think."

I smiled sadly. "Sure you do."

"Kase, I really don't."

"You think it's weird."

"I don't."

"No?"

"No. But it's confusing. I don't understand... really? It's me?"

"Yes. Of course it's you."

"Why me?"

I sighed and hugged my arms around me, regretting my lack of clothing all of a sudden. I needed something for comfort, and didn't have it. "It just is. That's all. It happened. And it's so far back that it's not really obvious when."

"Oh. But... you've never liked guys. Not really."

"None except you."

"Oh Kase..."

"Yeah, I know. Pathetic. But it is what it is."

"Not pathetic. Just... unfortunate."

"Hm, yeah, that too." I fell back on Xander's bed, back to not caring what he did or didn't look at. And maybe hoping just a little that he was looking at something. "Maybe it was that time you pushed a kid for me. That one who kept bugging me when I was... fuck, I don't know. Little. Or maybe it was when Mittens died and I was a wreck and you kind of held me together somehow." I shrugged. "I really don't know what it was. But you've always been there, you know? Always."

"I'm your brother."

"I'm aware."

"Like, brothers are there for sisters. It happens lots."

"Not like you."

"You make me out as something I'm not."

"Just how I see you. You gave up sex for me."

"Not permanently."

"No. But you did. That night."

"Yeah, well, you needed me."

I smile wanly. "Exactly. You've never not been there when I needed you. And... and you always make me feel better. Everything's better when you're there. Good stuff's better. Bad stuff's less bad. You can melt me with a smile. Especially when I know it's just for me."

"Kase, come on."

"I'm just saying. It's not some flighty thing. It's how I feel. I don't want anyone else. I just want you. And I can't have you. I know that. So I steal what I can."

"So... the outfits?"

"To see if I got your attention, yeah. It kinda worked."

"Jeez. It kinda did. I didn't realize..." Xander shook his head. "You tricked me."

"Sorry. It's all I've got. You've been so good to me, and all I've got is... I don't know. Boobs, I guess. You like boobs."

"Are you kidding me?"

I cringed. "You don't like them?"

"No. I mean yes. Kind of. Don't confuse me. I'm saying you're amazing, Kase. You don't need to flash skin at me. You've been there for me just as much as I have for you."

"Nah."

"Yeah. You have. Every break up, you've been there."

"'Cause it makes me happy some other girl doesn't have you for a while."

Xander snorted. "Well yeah, ok. But you actually really help. Just so you know."

"Oh."

"Or, like, you do actually make some good points about who I'm seeing. In between petty snark. It helps me not be too stupid sometimes."

"Again, self-serving."

"Sure. I guess. Shit, I don't know, now you're in my head. Kase, you're the best sister I could have hoped for, ok? And if it's all because... because you want to have sex and stuff-"

"What? Ew. No. I don't want that." I hesitated. "I mean, I would if you wanted. But that's not what I want."

"You don't?"

"No. I just want... I want to be your girlfriend, ideally. I want you to always look at me the way you sometimes do, when I'm the only one you're thinking about. And you know, if sex would get that for me..."

"We're not having sex, Kase."

"No, I know. Just saying. It's on the table."

"Well take it off."

"Nope."

"Fine. Whatever. Don't act like you don't want it, though. The problem with me knowing the porn you're into is playing coy doesn't work."

"Only because of you! I told you. All I really want is the stories that, like, tell it properly. That aren't all fucking and banging and stuff."

"They're still incest."

"Thought you didn't care about that."

"I don't. But there's context to it now. And... and I don't know if it's healthy."

"Obviously it's not healthy! Are you kidding? Obviously it's not."

"Oh. Well... good, then. As long as we're clear."

"We're very clear. Ask me if it helps any."

"... does it help any?"

"It does not."

"Oh. Damn."

"Yeah."

I lay there on Xander's bed. I longed to bury myself under his covers and cocoon myself in. To take solace and comfort in being surrounded by his scent and lingering presence. It probably wouldn't have gone over particularly well though.

Silence reigned for a time. I was thinking. Xander was thinking. We were both kind of worked up and unsure of ourselves.

"I still love you, you know," he said quietly.

I managed a weak smile. "Thanks."

"You're my sister. Always. That's not changing."

"Yeah. Unfortunately."

"No. Not unfortunate. Whatever you think right now, I wouldn't change us being sibs for anything. And I don't think you would either."

"It's like you know me or something."

"Yeah. Maybe I know you."

I groaned. "No, Xan, I wouldn't give you up for anything either. But... dammit I just wish I had a chance, you know?"

"Kase..."

"No, I get it. I understand. And if I wasn't you sister, I'd have even less of you. Way less. But it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes."

Xander smiled crookedly. "Guess I was wrong. I thought going out with boys would help you see some of the good parts of relationships. Maybe you already knew."

"It's torture!"

"Yeah. That's part of it."

"I don't like it!"

"That's part of it too. But you know, don't you? That you put up with it all because sometimes... sometimes there's nothing in the world that comes close."

Fuck. I did know. The good moments with Xander were the best dang parts of my life. And the bad parts were, as I'd stated, torturous.

"Why'd it have to be you," I whispered.

"That I can't answer."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

"Thanks for trying."

Xander snorted and moved closer. He ran his hand over my head sympathetically, petting me like I was a sad puppy rather than a very sad sister. "You'll be ok."

"Will I?"

"Yes."

"... will you play with my hair some more?"

Xander chuckled softly. "You think that's appropriate?"

"No. Do it anyway?"

"Will it make you feel better?"

"Yes. Probably not long term. But for a little while it will."

Xander weighed his options, then nodded. "Ok. But no getting more attached."

"How would I possibly get more attached than I already am?"

"Just sayin'. Don't."

Laying my head in Xander's lap and letting him tease my hair helped to salvage the day. Between that and our whole conversation, which honestly didn't go as disastrously as it might have, I had mixed and complicated feelings for a long while afterward.

At least I still had my brother.

****

Chapter Four: Kasey at Twenty-One

****

"You can't move out!"

"Kase, I-"

"You can't! Don't even say it!"

"Look, you know things with Beth have gotten pretty serious."

"Yeah, but-"

"This is what people do. They move in together."

"Doesn't mean you have to."

"I want to."

"But-"

"Look, I'm done with university. My job's going ok. I've got a girlfriend, and we're good together. You don't even hate her."

"I do now."

"I know. But really, we can't stay home forever. You know that."

I folded my arms and shook my head in childish petulance. "It's not fair."

"No, it's not fair. I agree with you there. But... maybe some space wouldn't be a bad thing in the long run? Not right away, but eventually. Maybe."

I felt myself tearing up. I wanted to hold it together. To try and pretend like I could handle it. But I couldn't.

"It's... it's not fair," I repeated, not quite crying yet.

"I know. I'm sorry."

I turned around. Xander already knew I was breaking down. It wouldn't do any good to try and hide it. But I tried anyway.

"Ok. Whatever."

"Kase-"

"Whatever! Go, then."

"This has nothing to do with you, you know. I don't love you any less."

"I never should have told you how I felt."

"Ok, obviously this has nothing to do with that."

"It... whatever. Just go."

"I-"

"Go!"

I hated being shitty to Xander, but I didn't know what else to do. I needed to be alone. I needed him out of my room. Most times if things were bad, I wanted him as close as possible. When things were bad because of my feelings for him, sometimes I needed the opposite. This moment in particular, I just couldn't handle having him in my room.

He was going to leave me. Of course he was. I had to have known it would happen eventually. But in my little fantasy world, we'd live together forever. I didn't know how I'd thought that would work.

Finally alone, I cried. I just cried. Nothing else to be done. I couldn't stop him. Couldn't break him and Beth up. Couldn't prevent time from marching on.

If I somehow did something drastic enough that he couldn't leave, it'd only strain our relationship, and I knew it. That didn't stop it being tempting to do... something.

Mom came in after the worst of my emotions had flowed out of me. By then, I was mostly just curled up in a ball, occasionally sobbing.

"He's not going that far, you know," Mom said gently.

"Too far."

"I know. It feels that way, doesn't it?"

"I hate it."

Mom's hand landed on my shoulder, gently rubbing in circles. I tensed against it, then slowly relaxed, and eventually rolled onto my tummy so she could rub my back. Neither of us said anything about it. It was like I was a kid again, and for the moment I didn't care at all. It was comforting, and I needed it.

"It's not easy for me either," Mom said. "My babies getting all grown up. You'll be moving out soon too, I expect."

"Maybe."

"And I've just got to watch you go. I can't hold you back. That would only hurt you."

"Xan hurt me."

"No, sweetie. He's just living his life. He doesn't want to leave you, but you know he has to have his own life, don't you?"

I squirmed. "Does he really have to?"

"Yes."

"Damn."

"I love how close you two have always been. Never fighting like some siblings do. Never had to worry about you when you were together. You'd always look after each other."

"Xan looked after me."

"Mmhm. You were there for him too. Don't think I haven't noticed."

"Not the same."

"Maybe it seems that way. I think you both just do it without thinking. You could help him after breakups in a way I never knew how. Or when he broke his leg that time."

I smiled despite myself. "He thought he was gonna be a skateboarder."

"Mmhm. At first, while he was stuck in bed or on the couch, I couldn't pry you away from him. He would have been miserable if you weren't there looking after him and just... being with him. We had to drag you away at night just to make sure you slept. And I still remember finding you asleep next to him some mornings."

I smiled a little wider, cracks of happiness marring the otherwise smooth surface of my current tragedy. "He tried to learn to use the crutches. And he was sooo bad at it."

"He got there. But yes, he was at first."

"Well what's he gonna do now if he does something stupid again, huh?"

"He'll deal with it. It's not like you won't see each other, but maybe it's good to sometimes grow on your own. Maybe?"

"Ugh. Don't want to."

"I know. It's not going to be easy."

"No. It's not."

****

I sat next to Lily on her bed, staring vacantly at the porn playing on her tablet propped up in front of us. It was an incest scene. It almost always was with us.

It had been weird at first watching this stuff with her, but fun and exciting too. It made me feel less alone. These days it barely even registered as anything abnormal.

Lily was bottomless and casually rubbing herself. I'd taken my jeans off, but just kind of sat there without ever touching my panties, let alone beneath them. I couldn't cum as easily as she could at the best of times. With my heart still heavy at losing Xander, I didn't even feel like bothering.

Lily made herself cum before she finally stopped the video. "Not in the mood, huh?"

"Nah."

"Thought it might help."

"Sometimes it does." I sighed heavily. "I don't think much of anything could help right now."

"He's only been moved out a week. It might get better."

"Yeah. It might." My heart tightened. "I miss him so much."

"I know."

"He still came over on the weekend, but only for a couple hours, and mostly only to grab some more of his stuff."

"Oof."

"I slept in his bed last night."

"Yeah?"

"Still smells like him. I'm dreading the day Mom decides to wash his bedding and put it away. She will, you know."

"Well... yeah, I get that. Can you just ask her not to?"