Damned If You Do

Heart on fire - my heart was on fire. Burning pain cutting through me as her tortured confession spilled out on my chest. I felt a surge of anger, unreasonable anger, splinter through my body as I tried my best to stay still. I almost succeeded.

Drew pulled away, fear in her eyes. She backed up three steps, hands out towards me as if to push me away, yet draw me near at the same time. Tortured fear in her eyes as her confession burned through my soul.

"Matt, I'm sorry. It's the truth though. I see it now, so clearly. I was so worked up and turned on I was allowing my self to get closer and closer to that edge. If you had been two hours later you'd have seen me, probably, more likely than not over there with them."

"Why? Drew, why tell me this? Do you want to divorce me? Do you want them that bad? I have to believe that you wouldn't have done that Drew. Please tell me that you really wouldn't have done that?"

"I... I can't Matthew. I don't know what would have happened, but I can't truthfully say I wouldn't have ended up over at Gloria's today..."

"Then - what are you saying Drew? Are we finished?"

"NO... I... I Love you Matthew, so much, yet I did what I did. I thought about what I was doing and about them. Then you found me like that. I don't understand it, but I was about to cheat on you and I have no good reason to do that. None at all."

"Drew we can work through this. We can go to counseling, anything. Please. I love you. You didn't cheat on me, on us. What you did do is bad, but not bad enough to cause me to walk away from you. I still love you Drew."

"How can you love me after seeing me like that? I allowed them to see me like that? How can you stand there and tell me you love me after all this?"

"How can I not?"

"What?"

"Drew, I love you now, I loved you yesterday, I loved you a year ago, I've loved you ever since we first met. How can I not love you now?"

"After what you saw me doing, you can love me?"

"What you were doing wasn't the best thing a husband could see his wife do in front of other men, but it wasn't the worst thing either. I mean I didn't find you over there joining in with them."

"It was just a matter of time though Matt. I know that now."

"But you didn't. I think with some help, we can work through this. Of course, I can't see you and Gloria remaining friends after this. I'd not be comfortable with that at all, but even then, who your friends are is your business. As long as your friends don't put you into situations like Gloria has."

"How can you still love me Matt? I almost cheated on you. Matter of fact the only reason I probably didn't was due to your showing up like you did."

"My mind is too messed up right now to answer that Drew. Just answer me this, do you still love me? Am I still the number one man in your heart? In your head?"

"YES. You are the only man in my heart or my head. I know that for certain."

"Then we just need to work this all out. Maybe see a doctor or counselor for a while. We'll work through this together. You and me."

I felt I had to explain my thoughts to her now.

"Seeing them and their interacting with you like they were doing drew you into their little circle. It wasn't just you, anyone could have been drawn into it at that moment in time. Later, like you, they would have felt really bad, but in the lust of the moment..."

"I'm sorry Matt. I really am."

"Let it go Drew. We need to work through this, but that isn't going to happen tonight or this week for that matter. I love you, you love me. Let's just work on that for now... okay?"

Drew ran to my open arms and I hugged her close. While holding her I felt her shaking as she cried some more.

"What now honey?"

"I came so close Matt. I almost threw it all away for a few moments of gratification. That scares me so much it isn't funny."

"Well, just so you know that you aren't the only one with these feelings. That first time I saw them, Gloria, Hal and Pete, I was tempted for a bit. I had thought a bit one time or another about her that way. That's probably why I'm so upset. I saw in your eyes what I had felt that day and it scared me."

Drew pulled back and searched my eyes. I saw some anger or jealousy for a moment, then recognition of what I said about being scared too. As tears flowed from her eyes, she smiled and pressed her lips to mine.

"I'll only ever be yours Matt... I promise you that."

"I'll only be yours too Drew. Promise."

"I know."

Dragging my little secret out had been necessary. I knew that if Drew felt it had all been her alone, and that I'd been above it all, she'd feel guilty for a long time. She didn't deserve that. I had thought that day if only for a moment, what it'd be like to be in Gloria like those guys had been. I suppose it was a natural thought process in some ways but nonetheless, I had been tempted myself.

We slept that night spooned up to each other. Drew never let go of me the whole night. Always her hand was on my body some how, some way. We didn't have sex we just cuddled and held each other close. Our marriage had been shaken to its foundations, but we slept together and touched each other all night.

I know now that our touching like we were was our inner beings re-inventing our love for each other. We were reassuring each other that we still loved each other through our touch. Our touching also helped us to remember that we were there for each other, still.

The next morning I called into work and took the day off. While they weren't exactly happy about the sudden day off on my part, I was able to let my boss know without saying too much, that a lot depended on my having the time off.

I made breakfast for Drew and myself, and as I was finishing up the eggs, she showed up at the table.

"Morning cupcake."

"Morning. Are you still mad at me?"

"Drew, I thought we went over that last night, no I'm not mad at you. I was scared last night but now I'm just glad that you're here with me."

She ran to me putting her arms around my body tightly. Her head buried in my chest I felt hot wet tears soaking through my Tee shirt.

"Hey, what's this all about anyway?"

"I just love you so much Matt... and I almost lost you."

'You never almost lost me Drew. Upset me, yes, lost me no."

"I need to talk to someone about this. We need to talk to someone about this. This has been a biggie."

"Yeah. A real bit more of a biggie than usual, that's for sure. So, do you have any ideas on who to call?"

"We'll call someone that's for sure. Lets look someone up in the yellow pages after breakfast, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan honey. Lets eat."

This all happened a few years ago now. We've been up and down with it, but we're still together. In fact we're more careful to let each other know our thoughts now. We share pretty much everything with each other. That includes thoughts and fantasies.

Gloria? Jim finally came home one day and caught her. He kicked her out and almost killed the three men with her. The cops came and calmed things down though. Jim never knew that we had known about it. He moved away a little while after their divorce. Gloria found out about what she'd tossed away too. Too late though.