Burning Down the House

"It's possible," she said. "In theory, either parent is considered as likely as the other to gain custody. In practice, fathers rarely get custody, especially of female children. How old is she, and is she likely to want to stay with you?"

"She said she did, and she's fifteen," I said.

"That will weigh heavily in the court's decision," she said. "In this state, children over 14 get to choose, and younger children's wishes are always considered. If she was very young, you wouldn't stand a prayer. Having the primary residence and the fact that a fifteen-year-old wants to stay with you should be a major part of the custody arrangement. This shouldn't be a problem."

"Just do your best," I said.

I drove home and wondered what I was going to do. I was going to do something, but it was going to have to be legal. Landing in jail would cost me Tobi, and I wasn't about to risk that. What avenues were open? You have to be careful when burning down houses to make sure your own isn't on fire. This was going to take some thinking and planning.

I suspected his wife was as clueless as I was, so the first step would be letting her know. I needed to make a list. I was certainly going to let her family know. Rachael's mom and dad loved me, and they certainly loved Tobi, so letting them know was at the top of the list, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. Making sure all our friends knew was also on the agenda in a big way, and I thought I could get up enough of a social media storm to make their lives interesting. That was the first thing on my agenda.

She had a Facebook account for our family. I played with it a bit, used Messenger a good bit and I knew my way around. I searched around on the internet and found out that dear old Jerry's wife did the same. I screen-shotted some pictures and posted on Rachael's page that we were getting a divorce, that she had found her "soul-mate" in Jerry, posting a picture of him. I changed the password and logged out.

That felt good. I wondered how long it would be before her friends and family started blowing up her phone and the Facebook page. I hoped the asshole's wife would get the message. I didn't know her, and felt some guilt about the shitstorm that would be descending on her, but if she was like I was, she would rather know than be ignorant.

I called Mom. That conversation went about as badly as I thought it would, but beyond initial disbelief, she just told me she would tell Dad and that anything I needed, they were there for me.

I decided I'd let Rachael tell her parents. We were close, and I didn't want to be the cause of any estrangement. I had no idea what I would say to them, anyway. Somehow, "Your daughter is a cheating slut" didn't seem like the ideal message. They would probably shoot the messenger.

It didn't take long for the shit to hit the fan. About 2PM, Rachael's number showed up on my phone. I answered, and she was pissed!

"You asshole!" Her opening salvo gave me a great deal of personal satisfaction. "You couldn't just let it go, could you? I know you locked me out of Facebook. You take that shit down! Jerry's wife doesn't know! All my friends are calling me, asking me what happened. My parents know! I'm telling you, Oliver, take that shit down."

"No, you aren't the boss of me," I told her.

"What? Are you fucking five years old? Take it down, Oliver, I'm telling you!"

"Why?" I asked. "You should be happy. Everyone can get used to you and your soul-mate this way. Are you ashamed for people to know you're a cheating slut, Rachael?"

"I'm not..." she stopped. Evidently, she realized the absurdity of what she was about to say. "Oliver, please take it down. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"You lost any ability to choose what it was going to be like the second you cheated," I told her. "Any right to consideration, any claim you have to my respect or even politeness went up in smoke. I told you, you're the enemy now, Rachael. Get used to it."

I ended the call. My phone buzzed again, immediately, but I ignored it. It was time to pick up Tobi.

I told her the result of my conversation with Elizabeth Baxter, and while she was happy that she would most likely be with me, she wasn't at all happy, in general. "What is wrong with her, Dad?" she asked. "You know I love her, but she's always been a little wack. I've never really felt like she was an adult. Not like you, anyway. It's always been like you have two kids, her, and me. Have you ever noticed?"

"Not like that," I said. "Now that you mention it, she's always been sort of impulse driven, but she's always been like that. I never thought she'd do something like this."

"Well, we're just going to have to make the best of it," she said. "Dad, I do NOT ever want to be in the same house with that creeper without you being there. I don't care what you have to do, make sure that doesn't happen, okay?"

"I'll do my best," I promised.

We picked up pizza on the way home, and I was just enjoying my second slice when my phone buzzed. It was Bob, Rachael's father. I wasn't looking forward to this. I told Tobi who it was and she told me to put it on speaker.

He got right to the point. "Oliver, I don't know exactly what is going on, but Rachael came here last night and asked if she could stay with us. Care to explain how that happened?"

"Did you ask her?" I said.

"She said you kicked her out."

"Well, I did, but did she tell you why?"

"No, she said she was going to explain, but she wasn't ready."

"Are you sure you don't want to wait for her explanation?" I asked.

"Can't you just tell me?" he asked.

"She has been having an affair with Jerry Garner, a guy where she works. He's planning to divorce his wife, she was planning to divorce me, and they're hooking up," I said.

"What? That's crazy, Oliver. How do you know this?"

"I caught them together yesterday," I said. "Besides, she told me."

"Are you sure you didn't misunderstand?" he asked.

Tobi spoke up. "Hi, Grandpa. I've been listening. Dad has you on speaker. There is no misunderstanding. I was there when she told him. I'm sorry, Grandpa. I love you." She sobbed and he heard it. When he spoke again, his voice was cracking.

"Don't cry, love-bug. Please. Just be strong, okay? I love you, too, and so does Grandma. I'll try and talk some sense into your mom. Oliver, you still there?"

"Yes, I'm sorry, Bob. Don't worry about Tobi. You are her grandparents, and nothing is ever going to change that. I know you love Rachael, and you'll do what you have to do. I respect you more than I have words to tell you. I hope you won't hate me when this is done."

"That's never going to happen," he said. "I'll find out what's going on. Call me if you need anything."

It went better than I feared. Shit happens, you do the best you can.

There is no need to detail what went on in the divorce process. Most people know plenty of people who have been through it. It was long, painful and it never got any better. Rachael was apparently delusional. She had imagined she would get custody of Tobi. That didn't happen. Ms. Baxter was as good as advertised. I got full custody, based on Tobi's desire to live with me, and after hearing Tobi in a private meeting, the judge ruled that Rachael had unrestricted visitation, but not any that would involve Tobi being alone with her and Jerry Garner.

That became a non-issue, in any case. His wife divorced him, but it seemed that the whole "soul-mate" thing had been a little overblown, at least on his part. Two weeks after my discovering their affair, he was on to a new conquest. All those grandiose plans evaporated like fog on a sunny day.

It took seven months for the divorce to become final. Rachael changed her mind. I was surprised at our second court appearance when she asked the judge to order counseling. Nothing I or Ms. Baxter could say seemed to have any bearing, and the judge ordered it. We were supposed to have eight to ten sessions.

We got some weird old hippie dude. We were asked to state our goals in the first session. Rachael's was long and convoluted. It seemed like she thought that I should realize that seeking her happiness was the primary focus of the universe and that I should understand that she had not meant any harm, only happiness. Mine was much simpler.

"What are your goals in these sessions, Mr. Barimen?" he asked.

"My goal is to get them over with," I said.

Our spirit-guide frowned. "Mr. Barimen, do you really have no interest in working on your issues that brought your marriage to this point?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Rodman, but it wasn't my issues that brought my marriage to this point. And I really do have no interest in working on them. I am quite happy with my issues, and fully intend to die with them."

Rachael was quite as horrified as Mr. Guru, and did not hesitate to plunge in boldly. "Oliver, how do you expect to get back to where we were if you aren't willing to at least discuss this?"

"I don't," I said. "Let me make it clear to you both. I give zero fucks about 'getting back to where we were,' or 'working on issues.' I'm here because of a court order. I will do what it takes to satisfy that court order, then we'll go back to court and get divorced. That's my plan."

"Are you aware that if I go back to the judge and report that you refused to cooperate, you could be cited for contempt?" Mr. Path-guide said.

"I'm not aware of that," I said. "Do you mean if you go back to the judge and lie? These sessions are being recorded. I'm sure my attorney would be happy to subpoena the recordings and expose your perjury. I'm here, I'm doing whatever you say to do. You asked me my goals; I told you what they are. See, I'm cooperating."

He flushed. "I'm sure the judge expected you to try to work out the issues between you," he said.

"I'm not responsible for the judge's expectations," I told him. "I'm only responsible for mine."

He tried to make it difficult. He gave me homework that included spending considerable time with Rachael, and she worked diligently to wear me down.

"Oliver, what will it take for you to drop the divorce and work this out?" she asked.

"An act of God," I told her.

She waited for me to explain that, but I said nothing. "What do you mean, 'an act of God'?" she finally asked.

"Well, if you have a way to turn back time and un-fuck dear old Jerry, that would work," I said. "Otherwise, I've never heard of anyone other than God with that power. Have you developed powers you haven't told me about, Rachael? Well, other than the power to attract other men with your feminine charms."

We slogged on, dreary exercise after mindless mantra, and finally they were over. We went back to court and the judge asked if we had made any progress. "Your honor, there is no possibility that my client is going to remain married to his wife," Elizabeth Baxter said. "We would like to see this divorce granted as expeditiously as possible. My client and his daughter have been dragged through this process long enough."

Evidently, the judge agreed, because ten days later, the decree came in the mail. Tobi saw her mother quite a bit, since she loved her grandparents and spent a lot of time with them. Rachael occasionally planned something that Tobi would consent to do with her, but it was never the same. She hung with her friends, and one, in particular, seemed to be at the top of her list. She was a tiny little blonde thing named Sabrina. It seemed like she practically lived with us. She was cute as a month-old kitten, and as sweet as honey. I was happy to have her, and they began to include me in some of their activities.

One of the things they loved was water-skiing. We had a boat, and when summer vacation started, most Saturdays would find us at one of the nearby lakes. On a Monday, they asked me if we could go to the lake for the weekend, take our RV and stay until Sunday evening. Since my social calendar wasn't exactly jammed, I thought it was a great plan. Tobi and Sabrina spent the week planning, and we packed everything they wanted on Thursday.

Friday afternoon, a new red Jeep Cherokee pulled up in our driveway and Sabrina jumped out. A nearly identical female jumped out of the driver's side, and Tobi went and threw herself on this unknown female in a robust hug. She and Sabrina led the unknown and clearly nervous one to me. "Dad," Tobi said, "This is Julie. She's Sabs' mom, and I know you haven't met her yet."

Julie extended her hand. "Hello, Oliver. The girls have told me so much about you. Thank you so much for inviting me to go with you this weekend. To tell you the truth, I've been a little jealous that they spend so much time with you, instead of me." She smiled up at me mischievously, and I instantly realized why her daughter was such a charming little minx.

I looked over at Tobi and she gave me a fierce glare. My knees trembled and I knew when to cave. The trembling intensified when I looked as Sabs and she gave me one raised eyebrow.

"It's going to be a blast," I told Julie, recovering the power of speech. "We always have a great time."

She was no dummy. She looked from me to the girls, then back at me. "Oh, my God," she said. "You didn't know, did you? Girls!"

She didn't have time to say another word. She was buried in an avalanche of hugs, kisses and pleas. "Please, Mom, don't worry about it. We're going to have so much fun," from Sabrina.

"It's okay, Julie, Dad is going to love you as much as I do, and he's a great guy," from Tobi. "Look how he just went along."

She disentangled herself and looked them over. "You two go sit on the porch and I'm going to talk to Oliver," she said. They showed some reluctance and she said, "Now!"

They took her seriously and scurried away. "I'm so sorry, Oliver. I had no idea," she said. "I'm going to take Sabs and leave. She's going to be grounded for a month. God, this is embarrassing."

She looked so little and embarrassed that I stepped forward and hugged her. She stiffened, at first, but then relaxed. "Yes, it is embarrassing," I said. "They are very naughty, but you and I both know there is no harm in them. Let me guess, you aren't married?"

She looked up at me and laughed. God, she was cute! "No, I'm not. Do you think that's what this is about?"

"I'm almost certain," I said. "Here's the deal. You're packed, you've cleared your weekend, it's going to be gorgeous at the lake, I'm not a bad guy, which you know from being around Tobi, let's play along. It will be fun. We might tweak them a little. Whadaya say?"

She stepped back, looked over at the girl's expectant faces and said, "Yeah, let's go."

I gave them the thumbs-up, and they leaped to their feet, rushing over to join us. I heard Tobi come out with an exuberant "Yeet!"

I stopped them and took one under each arm. "Girls, that wasn't very nice," I said.

Sabs looked up at me and cackled in her best Skeletor voice, "I am NOT nice."

That broke us all up and I couldn't go on. They were just too cute and too innocent. "We know what you're trying to do," I told them. "Stop, I mean it. You can't just go around trying to arrange other people's lives."

"Yes, but I love Jules, and I didn't know how to get you to meet her," Tobi protested.

"Well, you could have just told me," I said.

She looked a little sad. "It's okay, Kitten, just don't do it again," I said.

She brightened up immediately. Sabs tugged on my arm. "Let's go. I can't wait. This is going to be sick nasty, Oliver, you'll see."

Julie laughed. "I believe that's supposed to be the ultimate in really cool, Oliver. She's right, though. We're killing daylight."

We grabbed two bags out of her Jeep and climbed in. We had the boat hitched, and after a stop for propane, we were on the way. It was half an hour to the lake, and Julie sat up front with me. The girls got some awful music playing through their blue-tooth connections, and we got acquainted.

Julie had her own insurance company, it turned out, and also did financial planning. I took her in as I glanced over at her in conversation. God, she was cute! I thought Sabs would look just like her when she was Julie's age. She looked quite a bit younger than I was, but it turned out it was just three years. She was probably five feet nothing, had light blonde hair down to her lower back, and a nice tan going. She had huge brown eyes, high cheekbones and a perfect little heart-shaped face, including a widow's peak in a broad forehead. She was wearing jeans and a button-up top, but she was slender and willowy. I didn't want to perv on her, so I really didn't check her out until we got to the lake.

We got a slip to park the boat, then the RV. They shooed me outside while they changed, and I got the water hooked up in the meanwhile. They came out when they were done changing, and I went in, slipped into trunks and a t-shirt, and we were ready.

We took a cooler full of drinks, and we were off. We cruised out of the no-wake zone, and I opened it up. We ran a couple of miles down the lake, and they were ready to ski. Their long t-shirts came off and the girls were their usual awkward beauty. Julie was something else.

There was nothing awkward about her. I said she was slender, but she was tiny. She was all woman. When she turned to watch the girls go over the back, I nearly lost my mind. Her bikini wasn't bleeding edge, but it was straining to cover an ass that was eye-popping. It was small, round, hard, and jutting out like a shelf. She turned and caught me staring. She just smiled and gave me a wink. She had tiny little titties, but anything else on her would have looked weird. They didn't look tiny on her, just like they were perfect. Everything about her was perfection in miniature.

"Done?" she asked. Her smile took away the sting. Her teeth were perfect, too.

I laughed. "For now. You know what you look like, Julie. I'm a man."

She came up and sat where she could talk to me and keep an eye on the girls, too. We spent three hours skiing, and Julie turned out to be very good. She drove the boat while I had my turn, and she was good at that, too. I wasn't as good as either she or the girls, the physics was just against me, but I held my own.

We got back to the park and they put on wraps. The RV had a perfectly good range, but the girls wanted to cook outside. We got out the camp stove, and I built a fire in the grill on the site. I grilled bratwursts while they cut up and fried potatoes and onions and opened cans of pork and beans. We had prepared and packed some meals at home, but this was our first night and camp cooking is always delicious.

We sat at the picnic table the site provided and we were soon like we'd known each other all our lives. Julie became Jules, that's what the girls called her and she liked it, and she called me Ollie.

The girls mentioned several times that Jules wasn't married, and I finally asked her why. "I mean, God, you're gorgeous, funny, smart, you've got your own business, why hasn't some man snapped you up?"

She was quiet for a moment. "Well, the main reason is Sabrina," she finally said. "I was young and dumb, Ollie. I was a senior in college, and I thought I had the love of my life. I found out I was pregnant a week before graduation. I wasn't too unhappy. We had talked about getting married as soon as we graduated."

"I guess that plan didn't work, since you're talking about it in the past tense," I said.

"No, it didn't. Three days after I told Brad, I found out he'd been cheating on me for a month. I dumped him and never looked back. When Sabs was born, I didn't have time for a social life for a while, then I got caught up in building my business. By the time I could catch a breath and even think about dating, I realized I had this precious gift from God in my life, and I couldn't do anything without considering her."