Blood from a Turnip

"Huh?" Randy looked confused then a light bulb went on in his head "Ah dudeman I get it-Look Lisa told me you were cool with this"

"Well I am not and I would appreciate you leaving now"

"Look dude I am sorry you and Lisa have a disagreement, but that is like between you and her. Me and Lisa got an agreement, you know an arrangement, and I am hanging right here until she tells me different"

"Well Randy my name is the only one on the house title, so unless you want me to call the police..." I grabbed at Randy's arm it was like gripping a tree limb. "It is time to leave"

Randy yanked away his arm. Just then Lisa came down the stairs.

"Vince stop that right now. Randy would you please wait in your car. I will be right out"

Randy waited a second but walked out the door "Later man"

Lisa faced me. "Now Vince I am sorry you are upset and I see this is not going as planned" Lisa took a deep breath "We talked about this and I thought you would be more understanding" Lisa held up a finger and pointed at me. "How is this-if you are still up when I get home I will give you a bedroom session you will not forget. You can even do my ass –I know you like that"

"Sloppy seconds-no thank you" I muttered, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack "Lisa what have I ever done or said that would make you think I would be alright with this? " My voice was tight and Lisa could see I was pissed.

"Fine" Lisa said throwing up her hands "Vince you win. -Let me go out this one time and you will see it changes nothing. But if after I return from this date and tomorrow you are still upset- I won't go out again until we talk about it some more"

I stood up and walked in front of the door trying not to stroke out. "Lisa this is my offer. You stop this BS. Go back upstairs and we will see a doctor and therapist first thing tomorrow morning. But you walk out that door - we will be done. Over. History. Your choice- your children and I" I pointed out the door. "Or that"

"Oh do not be so dramatic" Lisa picked up her purse "You love me and the kids too much. I also know you do not want to live like your brother." Lisa checked herself out in the hall mirror "Besides I do not even know if anything is going happen tonight. Even if it does -Randy is clean –but I will make him wear a condom regardless-there are you happy now?"

"No I am not happy now by any stretch, and you will not be in the future if you leave out the door. But Lisa you are partly right. I do love my kids, and I will not live like my brother. But you walk out that door and my love for you goes out the door too."

Lisa walked past me opened the door and turned back to me. "You know Randy told me he had a cute coed he knows that has "Daddy issues" and I was going to hook you up with her. But if you are going to be this way –forget it." Lisa took a step out the door "The kids are in bed and what is left of dinner is in the microwave. You have my cell if there is an emergency" With that she was gone and the door closed behind her.

I sat down and willed my pulse to stop racing while I tried to think. This was surreal-this could not be happening!

I finally snapped out of it and went thru options in my mind. I was surprised that my love for Lisa had evaporated. It was said you cannot turn off love, or the love would turn to hate. But I felt nothing for her now-not love , nor hate..just nothing. My main feeling was fear. Fear of losing my children. For a brief second I considered letting Lisa's actions slide-that way I could keep my family. Instantly I knew I could not tolerate Lisa going out with another guy or guys.-it just was not in my DNA.

This was not the Lisa I married, I do not know who she was but I did not love that person. Fear of losing my children filled my mind and pushed out all other thought. I kept seeing the future like my brother fighting for every second with my sons. Missing out on key times in their lives. I ran thru a dozen options from violent action to complicated plans. All ended with me in jail or Lisa getting the kids. Everything led to the same conclusion in a divorce I was going to get screwed and lose seeing my boys. Lisa had really boxed me in.

Then a bizarre idea came to mind. It was the path I decided to take –because the action was so out there and so out of character it would blow the circuit fuses in the person's brain that Lisa had become.

First I checked on the boys. They were sound asleep. I climbed down the steps and stood in front of the hallway mirror.

"This is going to hurt" I muttered to myself. Then reminded myself it was for my boys.

Three minutes later I was done. My shirt was ripped and I had scratches on my chest and face. My nose was bloody and the lip was bleeding. One eye was swelling and be soon be black & blue. Best was my forehead, I had smashed my forehead against mirror shattering the mirror with a big spider web. My forehead was bleeding like a stuck pig. I knew from my days as a wrestling gofer years ago the forehead bleeds a lot-but had no real damage. I had been careful not to bruise my knuckles while punching myself.

"911 what is your emergency"

" 911" I said into the phone "I need help. My wife and her boyfriend assaulted me. My children are in the house and I am afraid they are coming back"

"Sir I have your address and I will have a patrol car on the way now. Can you secure the location? Do you feel in danger?" the 911 operator asked

"Damn right I feel in danger. Please tell the police to hurry" I texted my brother Tommy on my cell to come ASAP as I spoke on the house phone "I can lock the doors –but I do not know when they are coming back

"Do you need medical attention? Did you lose consciousness?"

"Yes I need an ambulance" Might as well make it good "I must have been knocked out because I do not remember anything except my wife and that guy hitting me and I think I got kicked a few times.

"OK sir, Help is on the way. Try to remain calm and stay on the line"

My brother must have been in the area as Tommy got there first. He was stunned but I said I would answer his questions later –now I needed him to watch the boys and take pictures of my injuries. Tommy was snapping pictures with both his cell phone and my digital camera when the police and ambulance arrived. Candy was not happy about the commotion and Tommy had to put the dog in the boy's room-who were still fast asleep.

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It was around 3:30in the morning as I got out of the cab in front of my once happy home. The doc had patched me up at the hospital and a sympathetic detective had taken my statement. What the hell?" I thought as I looked at the front of my house. There were tire tracks all over the lawn, the bushes were trampled and the front porch railing was hanging askew. A local metro Police car was in the driveway. I opened the front door and Candy welcomed me by trying to give me a series of licks while wagging his stubby tail a mile a minute. As I petted Candy I heard my brother Tommy yell "Vince-we're here in the kitchen" As I entered the kitchen with Candy faithfully following, I saw a small female cop was sitting at the table talking on a cell phone and writing something in a notebook. What shocked me was Tommy.

Tommy was holding an ice pack to his right eye, the corner of his lip was split and Tommy had cotton swabs stuck up one nostril. His clothes were tore in several places and Tommy was missing a shoe. Tommy saw me staring and gave a lopsided grin. "What you looking at Vince? You missed all the fun" Tommy moved his ice pack " You wanna trade bandages? I hope I don't look as bad as you"

I was finally able to stutter out "Tommy what the F did you do?"

Tommy leaned back in the chair "You missed quite a night, It started out with the officer here" Tommy pointed a finger at the female officer still talking on the phone who waved in my direction "Telling me all about your wife and ....err..boy toys assault. We were sitting here drinking coffee awaiting Lisa to come home before all hell broke loose." Tommy petted Candy on his huge head. "The Officer told me in domestic disputes where there is violence –for any reason-one person goes to jail for 24 hours. A cooling down period so to speak"

Tommy took off his ice pack and laid it on the table.

"Well at about 2AM Lisa came home and was met at the door by the Officer and.. well.. Lisa had her boy toy Moose with her-he is a big boy"

"Randy is his name" I muttered

"Ya sure and old Moose had another guy with him" continued Tommy "Anyway after the Officer explained the issues to Lisa, she tried to put the cuffs on Lisa- Then it got crazy. Lisa started to fight back and the boy toys got involved -then I got involved" Tommy pointed at his eye "As you can see not too successfully. As Moose and Squirrel were rearranging my features old Candy came flying thru the open door "Tommy petted Candy sitting by his side "Then it was all about a 110 pound tornado of teeth, fur and fangs. Moose and Squirrel got bit a half dozen times each before Candy latched onto Moose's crotch-he won't be thinking with his dick for a while. " Tommy laughed "The cop had tazed Lisa by now and was giving the old code 999 OFFICER NEEDS URGENT ASSISTANCE on the radio when some of Moose's pals got out of his car and decided to come play too"

"Jesus H Christ!" I exclaimed

"Hold up" Tommy held up his hand "It gets better! You know your next door neighbor Marie Rodriquez's oldest boy Juan"

"Sure, great kid, In the Army now Afghanistan I think. We both coached him on our CYO football team" I said "her youngest son Alberto and my kids have sleepovers all the time."

"Yea seems him and Jamal Franklin-also on our old CYO football squad are back on leave. They and some of their buddies were pulling into their driveway after a night out and saw Old Coach Tommy getting the hell beat outta him. That gang came charging across the front lawn like the 1st Armored Division they belong to." Tommy chucked "Lisa's playmates were flying around like ten pins at an All-Star bowling tournament! Plus Candy was ripping into any limb that got within biting range"

I could only sit back open mouthed

Tommy leaned forward with obvious enjoyment telling the story "But Wait –there is more! Finally the Police Calvary arrives - Metro PD, County Sheriffs, even a Highway Patrol car! They came out swinging sticks and it looked a scene outta Braveheart for about 10 minutes! "Tommy touched the back of his head "Heck even I got wacked trying to get Candy outta there before someone shot my puppy." This earned Candy a scratch behind his torn ear

"Finally the clubs, tazers and Candy settled the issue and everyone was cuffed and on the ground. The Officer & I had to walk around sorting out the good boys from the bad boys. All the naughty children and Lisa are in the pokey now going thru the system"

The word "Children" snapped me out of my stupor." Where are the boys!" I exclaimed jumping up.

"Relax" Tommy said pointing back to my chair. "Your little ones slept thru the whole ordeal"At that point the female Officer snapped shut both her cell phone and notebook. "Mr. Fontnii I am glad you are here now. I hope you are feeling better." She put way her phone and notebook "Your spouse and friends will most likely be arraigned late tomorrow if you wish to arrange bail" Tommy snorted. The Officer gave him a look "Your spouse is probably looking at resisting arrest, assault, assault on a law enforcement officer, plus some other charges"

The Officer started toward the door "Did they tell you about the restraining order procedure?"

"Yes" I replied "they explained I needed to be at the courthouse room 564 at 10:00 tomorrow morning"

She turned back toward Tommy but was still talking to me "I guess that will be all then. I am sorry about your situation. Please call me if you need anything." She then walked out of the kitchen toward the front door.

Tommy threw the ice pack into the sink then said "What now Vince-you wanna talk?"

"Nope. Sleep-you can take the guest bedroom. Later in the AM I take the kids to school and head to court. You got an early date at Home Depot"

"For...?"

"Locks. I want new deadbolt locks on every door and secure every opening in this place"

It was a busy morning. Tommy headed out to be at Home Depot to be there when the doors opened. I went online and closed all our bank accounts, paid off, then cancelled the credit cards and Lisa cell phone (Hell of a penalty). Got the kids fed and onto school. Next stopped at the bank to pick up the account amounts then onto another bank for new accounts and credit cards. The hearing for a restraining order was quick and fast once it got to the judge. The order was only good for 30 days before it had to be renewed-but it kept Lisa a 100 yards from me, the kids and the house. Lisa could get her stuff only if I was not present and in the company of a court officer.

Next was a divorce attorney. I used the same guy that Tommy's Ex-wife Brandy had. He was a shark-but now he was MY shark. I wanted the papers served on Lisa before she got out of the clink. He said it was not enough time. I was surprised when my shark started talking about looking into a separation first to cool down, perhaps couples therapy. Was this the same guy who flayed my brother alive? I wanted a scorched earth campaign.

"Look" the shark started "Let me play Devil's Advocate for a minute. We do not even know if your wife cheated on you. Not that that matters anyway. You really have no proof. Do you have any hard evidence? Pictures? Witness statement? , Did you hear anyone claim to see her with another guy in an adulteress position? All you know is she left with a group of young girls and guys. They could have been going to a football game"

"It's not football season –and what football game lasts until 2:00 AM?"

"Okay-I am not saying you do not have a strong case. With the assault charges and restraining order you have a better chance than your wife for custody. But you never know what a judge wants, the judge may see a she said-he said issue and no one wins. You want your kids to grow up without one parent? "

"Yea Yea Yea-but I do not want to end up like my brother, maybe seeing his kid every other month and living like an unemployed undergrad"

My shark leaned across his desk "You still might. This is a no fault state, unless she is incarcerated you still need to split the assets 50-50. I will do as you wish, but the courts are very heavily tilted in favor of the mother. In your case you have a much better chance than most but... Is there even the slightest chance you two can work thru this ...event" he folded his hands

"Just do it" I said and started to write out a check for his retainer

Lisa got out two days later. I do not know who paid her bail. A bail bond company called me -Lisa was requesting the house as collateral for bail. I told them it was not going to happen and I would contest any such document. I had packed Lisa's car with as much of her stuff as would fit in her car and parked it 100 yards down the block. The keys and signed title were in the glove box. After that the phone answering machine and my cell was filled with Lisa's calls. I listened to the first few which were full of stories about how no cheating had been going on, nothing happened, she could explain everything, she was shocked I had been injured somehow, but I had gone too far, it was all a mistake, a misunderstanding. Not surprising there was no tears or sobbing. Lisa was still Lisa and had made up her mind. I knew Lisa thought if she could get me to understand her thinking all would be well. Lisa was correct that she knew me after over 10 years-but I also knew Lisa after over a decade together. She would try to get to me thru the kids.

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I was walking from the school parking lot to the cafeteria for my monitoring duties when Lisa and –surprise to me- Randy aka Moose came hustling toward me from behind a pillar by the school door. Randy aka Moose was walking a bit slowly with a slight limp-no doubt a lasting reminder from Candy my brothers Doberman.

Lisa started first as soon as she got into range "Vince be reasonable, there was no cheating.." then Randy aka Moose interrupted". Dude you gotta drop the charges..I never touched you..me and her ..it was no big deal..this jail thing gonna fuck up my scholarship..." then Lisa was talking over him and it was a jumble of "..no divorce..hot MILF.. not worth this...I only love you..work this out.." each one of them talking louder and louder.

"Halt!" I said holding up my hand showing a small recorder "I need you both to get away from me –now! " I pointed at Randy aka Moose "You are on bail for assault and now causing me to fear for my safety. " I pointed toward Lisa "and you are in violation of a restraining order!"

"Oh stop being so dramatic" Lisa said reaching out to grab my arm "I do not care about anything some useless court said on a piece of paper. You need to come with me so we can get this straightened out"

Randy aka Moose might be majoring in communication-but I do not think he grasped the concept of a recording device because he said "..dudeman if this screws up my ride I am gonna kill you!"

I had to conceal my smile as I turned and ran back toward the family minivan with Lisa and Randy aka Moose in pursuit. I pointed the remote key entry at the minivan and depressed the button that activated the automatic sliding doors (on both sides).

Did you know that you can hire off duty Metro PD officers in full uniform as private security-even bodyguards? The Metro PD is so efficient they have a form on their website for services with rates that can be paid via credit card. It was not cheap-but it was worth every penny when the four bulky Metro PD officers piled out of the family style minivan.

Randy aka Moose was meek and silent as he was handcuffed and read his rights, but I think Lisa finally understood I was not going to listen to her "reason". Lisa was a little less calm –but still firm as she said "Vince is this what you want! Is IT! Your children's mother in handcuffs-A divorce! Fine I will take the house, your 401K, the kids, every dime you make and you better start saving for your children's 21st birthday –because when this is over that is the next time you are ever going to see them! I am going to squeeze you for all you have! You can't get blood out of a Turnip-but I am going to get it out of you!" Lisa went on and on as we awaited a Metro Patrol car to take the pair to booking. I just nodded at Lisa and made sure the recorder was not going to run out of memory.

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You ever hear the old saying "The enemy of my enemy is my friend"? Well I guess it is true. You could have knocked me down with a feather when Lisa was bailed out the next day and the person posting the bail was none other than Tommy's ex-wife Brandy. I think Brandy got a kick that the money I had lent Tommy to make his alimony payments- Brandy had used to bail out Lisa. Lisa was now staying with Brandy in Tommy's house.

Tommy and Candy literally moved into our house. My boys were a bit confused about why Mom was missing. I told them Mommy was gone to visit her Aunt Flow (Best I could come up with on the spot) but the trade of their Mom for Uncle Tommy and his dog Candy seemed to win them over.

Lisa was fighting the divorce and the restraining order -but having problems because without funds Lisa was having difficulty keeping a lawyer. Seems lawyers want to get paid and my shark's legal maneuvers was keeping any money out of Lisa hands. Lisa was living off of Brandy, and that then came to halt.

Tommy came into my office at work. "Vince just want to let you know I am going on disability and won't be at work"