Big Decisions

The doorbell rang. I looked out. It was my parents and my in-laws. No Lee. I let them in. I offered drinks, but they all declined, and sat. I stood at the entrance to the living room.

I said, "Well?"

My mom, Lacy, said, "We had a little meeting outside. We decided to see what you were thinking."

"I'm thinking....." I sobbed, small but noticeable. I straightened out. I gave my mom a look. I think that's when she gave up. Later she said that that look was so devastated and forlorn, so hurt, that she couldn't see how any repair was possible.

My dad asked, "Any chance that you'd talk to Lee? She asked when we were over there."

"Why? There is nothing she could say. She fucked away our family. Not just one night. Three nights. She didn't really try to hide it from her co-workers. Now the entire world knows."

Ellen broke in, "I know she made a mistake, Marty. A big mistake. She understands that. But you have the girls, and you have loved each other for many years. There's a lot to save, if you can."

"I do not consider her my wife. I will never again think of her as my wife. She's my kids' mother. That's it.

Ellen said, "You're hurting now. Your ego is badly damaged. You need to get over that. Your marriage isn't over just because of a few days."

"Ellen, I admire and love you guys. Your daughter......has done irreparable damage. Please don't make any further effort at reconciliation. THERE IS NO CHANCE!"

She held up her hands.

I continued, "You should all be thinking about how life will be when the divorce is done. Or when the separation is formalized."

My mom was teary, "Just wait a few days, Marty. Just a few days. Your dad and I can take the kids for the weekend. Take them to the lake."

I agreed, and the girls were dropped off by the bus just then. They came running to the door. But the code was changed, and they had to knock.

They were surprised by the fact that their grandparents were there. They wanted to tell me how school had gone. It had not been too bad. Betsy was good friends with Sharon Davis, and Sharon had asked her about the video. Betsy told her she hadn't seen it, but knew about it. Sharon wanted to know if her parents were going to split.

Betsy didn't know. Linda didn't know. I knew. I told them we would have to decide all that later. They were not overly emotional. Linda asked where her mom was.

Ellen said, "Next door. The grands wanted to talk to your dad. But, I think you girls should pack for the weekend, because you're staying with us. We'll take you to the lake."

They were excited. But they wanted to see Lee. We sent them up to pack. I was against them going over to see Lee. All four of the others thought it was necessary. I told them Lee could see the girls outside on the porch.

When they were packed up, Ellen went to get Lee. Their cases were put into the car. They waited on the porch with the three grandparents.

Lee walked over with Ellen. The girls didn't run to her. They waited. I had the second floor bedroom window open, and I could see and hear.

Lee knelt in front of the girls, and the three hugged.

"Mom," Linda asked, "what did you do? How could you have sex with that guy?" This last was sobbed out.

"I just made a very bad mistake. I have to try to figure out why. But I still love you girls, and your dad, very much."

Betsy was not impressed with this. She was the harder of the two of them. "If you loved dad, you couldn't do that. You put it all out there on video. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?" She was sobbing now.

Lee was crying. "I'm so sorry. So sorry. It was a bad mistake." Lee hugged Linda, but Betsy pushed away. Lee got up and ran to her dad's car.

My parents got the girls into their van. All of them drove off, in different directions. I just sat on my bed, stunned and saddened. Then I got very, very angry. I was aboil with anger. At Lee. At Larry. I paced. I screamed. I went downstairs to the basement and started punching a bag I had down there. Every fucking punch was aimed at Larry, or Lee. When I was exhausted, my hands were red and bleeding.

I decided that both of them had to suffer, no matter what else.

I did what I could to repair the damage to my hands. Then I had a nightcap and went to bed. It took some time for me to sleep. Eventually that happened.

In the morning I had a long run, a very fast, long run. Then I gathered up my financial material. I drove to the lawyer's office.

Joan Ellis was a woman of about forty-five, slim with dark hair and eyes. She was dressed in jeans and a sweat-shirt. We shook hands.

"I'm a little underdressed, sorry. It's Saturday, and I had some yard work."

"No problem, you look great." She smiled at that.

"Let's go into the conference room." She led the way.

I started, "Ms. Ellis, I wanted to get clear what my options are, related to divorcing my wife."

"I can run through that for you. But are you certain that you want a divorce? It's a hard road. You have two children?"

"Yes, twins. Thirteen. I'd like custody."

"Let's get back to whether you want to end your marriage. Was this Miami thing something that has happened before. Or a one off?"

"I don't think she's strayed before. I don't know for sure."

"So, if that's true, can you possibly get over it?"

"No." I said this quickly, added nothing.

"Okay. Let's discuss finances."

We went over who earned what, and who did what for the children. Joan was pleased to know that I owned the house, and had owned it before the marriage. The children had lived there all their lives. She also thought that our respective work schedules, with me being the parent at home, would cut in my favor in the custody determination. However, she emphasized that nothing was certain.

I earned about as much as Lee, but the income was not as steady. Joan thought that neither of us would owe alimony. The non-custodial parent would owe child-support.

I wondered how quickly we could get the divorce started.

"Maybe a week, to prepare the documents, and file. I think you should wait longer. People do change their minds. And....you'll probably be ordered to do counselling."

"Oh. Can that be avoided? I would like never to have a one-on-one conversation with her."

"You will need to have those conversations. Maybe we can keep them to a minimum. I notice that your hands are bandaged. Why?"

"I was somewhat angry last night. Took it out on the heavy bag. Forgot to glove up."

"Well, at least you didn't visit Mr. Johnson. Or your wife."

"Speaking of that, is there some way I can sue him for doing this? He needs to pay."

"In this state, there is no way, now, to sue for adultery, or alienation of affection. Used to be one. No more. I also looked up the Florida law. No way there either."

"He has to pay." Now my voice went to that flat tone. It seemed to frighten Joan.

"Let me see what I can do. No violence, please."

"No promises. Guy has to pay. I will never be able to sleep if he walks from this with no consequences."

"Mr. Martin, I have to tell you that, although what you say to me as your lawyer is confidential, if I were to have advanced knowledge that you were going to commit a violent crime, I may have to report that. Or not."

"Joan, you will never have such advanced knowledge. Thanks for saying that."

I signed an agreement with her, and paid a retainer. I told her to have the papers ready as soon as possible.

It was noon before I got home. My dad, Leeland, called as I walked in.

"Hi, how're you doing today?"

"Okay. I just came from the lawyer."

"Oh. That's fast. What did he say?"

"She and I discussed what would be involved in the divorce."

"Marty, you need to hold up on that. Don't rush. This is a real big decision and you shouldn't make it in haste."

"Dad, the minute Lee let that motherfucker fuck her, she was toast. The fact that she did it over and over -- that's worse. But once....that's enough."

"Your Mom thinks......that she hurt you so bad that there's no hope. I guess she may be right about that. But still, I want you to slow down. At least once, Lee should get a chance to explain."

"What do you think she could possibly say that would change my mind?"

There was no reply for some time. Then....."Okay. I can't think of anything."

"QED."

We discussed the girls' mood. Moods really. Linda was very sad. She moped. Betsy was angry. She was having a hard time controlling that. Mom was working on both of them. Telling them that they were not losing a parent. They'd always have both parents.

We signed off.

The house phone rang. It didn't have caller ID. I let it go to voice mail. It was Lee.

"Marty, if you're there, please pick up. I need to talk to you. Marty, I need that. Please. I fucked up. I know that. I...I...you're the only person I know that I could talk to about something so serious. And I lost you? No, please. I know how angry you must be...embarrassed. I'm sorry." There was a lot of sobbing, and she hung up.

I was crying while she was saying this. I went back downstairs. This time I put on the gloves. It still hurt. I punched and kicked until I was hardly able to stand. I went upstairs and took a shower. I guess some guys get drunk in situations like this. I use the bag or run.

I decided to think about how to fuck with Larry. I had one thing that kept occurring to me. I had a found gun. I owned two registered handguns -- a .45 revolver, and a .40 S&W pistol. But one day while running I saw a glint in the long grass. It was a Taurus .380, semi-automatic pistol. I took it home. It was loaded, and it worked. I cleaned it up. As I did that, I noticed that the serial number had been filed off. So the gun was illegal. I kept it anyway. I took it to the range once. It shot straight, sort of.

I kept thinking about shooting Larry with it. But, I had the girls, and there was no way I wanted to get locked up. Still.....that asshole.

I packed away those thoughts. I felt that now was not the time for Lee and I to talk. I knew that sooner or later we would have to have a face to face discussion. Now, though, the thought of seeing her made me almost ill.

I sat alone in the house. A feeling of deep despair crept over me. It was as if a heavy blanket had been draped over me, pushing me into the couch. It was difficult to breath. Suddenly I was penetrated by fear and I bolted up off the couch. If someone had seen me then, they would likely have concluded that I was completely, wide-eyed crazy. I knew I had to move.               I went for a brisk walk. It took me by Larry's house. I didn't dawdle there, but I noted that there seemed to be very little in the way of security. It was a big, newish house, close to the street. There was a hoop in the driveway. No automobile, but a big garage around back. I passed it by, made a loop and walked by it again, taking some photos on my phone.

My walk next took me by Lee's parents' home, further north. Their cars were out front. Lee's car was still in our -- my -- garage. I hustled on past. I stopped into a convenience store and bought a prepaid cell phone, and a diet Pepsi. I ended up back at my house. It was three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon. I went inside and fixed a sandwich. I ate maybe three bites. As soon as I stopped moving, I was overcome again by feelings of anguish. I got out the .380. I drove out into the countryside, where a friend of mine had some acres, with an outdoor range. No one was there. He and his family were in Florida. I shot up two boxes of ammo from the pistol. It wasn't an expensive gun, but it was functional. It was a bit heavier than a good weapon might have been. On my way back home, I stopped at a drug store and got two of those neoprene wraps for the thigh.              When I got home, I rigged up a body wrap that kept the .380 in the small of my back. I tried running with it there, and it was fine.

My cell phone had been off all day. And I had not picked up emails. I turned it on. There were eleven phone messages, twenty or so texts from family, and from co-workers and friends, and numerous emails.

The phone messages were from Lee, Ellen and my mom. They all had basically the same message -- please get in touch, we have to talk. The texts were quite similar. Some of those were from my dad, and two from Lee's father Milt, one only minutes before. Milt's weren't the same as the rest. The first was an apology from him for Lee's actions, and for failing to raise a responsible daughter. The second asked if I would like to speak to him away from the women. I called him. It went to voice mail. I left no message. But he called back in three minutes.

"Marty, I had to go for a walk to get free. What's going on with you?"

"I saw you wanted to talk, Milt. Can we meet somewhere?"

"How about Raymond Park, by the hoops court?"

"Okay, in thirty?"

"Sure."

I put on a pair of jeans, and I stuck the .380 in my pocket, just in case I saw Larry, who lived about a half mile from that park. I drove around for ten minutes, just cruising, by Larry's house. I was at the park early, and so was Milt. It isn't a big park, and wasn't crowded. We shook and sat on a bench away from the court.

Milt said, "I wanted to see that you were okay. From what Ellen and your mom said, I was worried."

"I'm not okay, Milt. I feel like.....worse than ever before is what I feel like."

"Well, I can recall when my mother died. It took me a year to be somewhere back to normal. I just kept plugging, one day at a time. It's what you gotta do."

"Yeah, well easy to say. Hard as shit to do. And it's only been a day."

"If it makes you feel any better, Lee is almost catatonic. She hasn't eaten since she got to our house, and she maybe said three sentences. We're considering getting her help. You...in fact...you look a lot better than she does. Must be the guilt. She has it and you don't."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Milt. Because the twins will need her -- need a mom. I don't understand why she would be so stricken. I mean she did what she did, openly. Did she think no one would know -- that I wouldn't find out? I cannot believe that. Sooner or later, even without the YouTube, one of her work people -- some are my friends. They would have coughed it up."

"I don't think she was thinking straight at all. I think she was.....maybe she was suddenly in a foreign situation -- away from family, famous guy after her. Just gave in to feelings that she ordinarily would have squelched. That's what I could make of it."

"You're so reasonable, Milt. But, I think she's had a thing for Larry since school, and thought she could have her cake...."

"What're you gonna do?"

"I'm very, very likely to divorce her. Right now I can't even think about her without.....anger and spite. I hope I don't get ill because of all this."

"Look, I know all the others said to wait to decide stuff. Me? I just can't see how you could get back to any semblance of a family life with her."

"Yep. Lost cause. I am going to wait, but not long. You need to prepare her, if she's as bad as you say."

"I'll try."

We parted. I was walking back to my car, parked on the street nearby, when Larry dribbled a basketball up the intersecting street toward the court. I saw him and started to reach for the pistol. Milt saw him. Milt was driving toward him and leaned on the horn. Larry was startled and lost the ball in the street. He jumped after it- the idiot -- without looking. It wasn't Milt that hit him. A car going the other direction, maybe a little fast, was blocked by Milt's car. The other car, an SUV of some sort, hit him before the driver could brake at all. Larry flew across the hood and windshield, up into the air, and down onto the street.

Milt kept going. I ran over to Larry. He was, for the moment, alive and conscious. I looked at him. The SUV driver ran up. He shouted that he had called 911. We weren't far from the hospital, about four blocks.

Larry recognized me. He tried to say something, but nothing came out. I watched him slowly fade away. The paramedics arrived in about two minutes. They worked hard, but failed. Big L was gone. I felt cheated.

The police arrived. I was a little nervous because, even though I had a concealed carry permit, the gun wasn't legal. But I gave an interview, and my name and address, without any blowback. The driver of the SUV, an older guy, was distraught. I told him and the police that there was nothing that he could have done. Larry just went for the loose ball -- at the wrong time.              After about an hour I drove home. I ditched the .380, then drove over to Milt's house. I knew that Lee was there, but I needed to discuss with Milt the fatal traffic incident.

I pulled up outside, rang the bell. Ellen answered. She could see that I was in an emotional state. I indeed was in an emotional state -- euphoria. Well, at least great joy. I knew that I had probably escaped a murder beef. Pure luck. But I had to see Milt.

I spoke to Ellen, "Milt here? I have something I need to discuss."

She turned, yelled, "Milt. Don't you want to see Lee?"

"Nope. Too soon. Milt."

Milt came downstairs. I waved him outside and we walked.

"Milt, Big L is dead."

"Fuck, you killed him? I saw you had a gun. Jeez, Marty!" But he didn't really look like he should, if he was for real.

"I didn't kill him. He got hit by a car after you honked at him. He lost his basketball and ran into the street after it like a child. I watched him die." I couldn't help it, I smiled.

Marty said, "Oh. I see. An accident. God works in mysterious ways."

"I'm leaving it to you or Ellen to tell Lee her boyfriend died."

"Not her boyfriend. But we'll let her know. I assume it'll be all over the news."

"For sure. How's she doing?"

"Same. Not great. You, on the other hand, seem uplifted."

"I actually felt cheated when he died. But then I saw it as a saving grace."

"Marty, I want to save my daughter. I think she's headed down the drain. I know she screwed up. But I love her, and I want her to have a life. So, I'm asking that you, if you can see your way, that you at least stay out of the way. Maybe, later on, lend a hand. A hard ask, but I'm asking."

Milt, I have to think about that. If she and I talk too soon, I won't be able to help. You have to keep her away."

"Let me think it over. I'll try to find a way through. Congratulations on escaping the murder beef."

We laughed at that.

We were back at the house. I drove away.

I slept that night. I had a call from the girls, and we had a good talk. Then I just went to sleep.

Sunday I was back in the doldrums. It was a nice day, and I had nothing to do but ponder the state of my marriage. No matter what Milt said, I knew that Lee and I could never be together again. I was sad about that, but it was true. I did another long run, down to the Mall, around by the river, back home. I showered and went to my folks' house for a Sunday cook out. I brought the brats.

The twins were in a better mood. They had a teleconference with Lee, who must have rallied, because she cheered them up. I wondered about that. My mom said there had been no mention of Big L, Lee's infidelity or Larry's death. Just talk about school. Lee told the girls that she would see them as soon as she was well enough.

I had a good time with my folks and the girls. When they were in the pool, I told the parents that I had seen Big L get hit, and die. They were shocked.

My dad said, "You didn't have anything...you know....?

"No, coincidence. I was at that park with Milt, talking. He just drove off, and Larry got hit. He tore into the street after his ball."

"Okay. Well, I can't say I'm sorry. May the Lord have mercy on his soul."

We changed the subject.

Monday I got a call from Joan Ellis. First, she wanted to know how I felt about Larry dying. She didn't know I was there. My name had not been published. I told her the story, and she was amazed, maybe a little suspicious. I know I would be suspicious if I were she.